BPDFamily.com

I last posted to this forum when I discovered BPD and ticked all the boxes regarding why my wife is like she is - that was about four and a half years ago.

Now we have been separated for just over a month.  I discovered that she was having an affair and I made the decision to leave there and then.  I had suspected other affairs (and had been right) but had never found the proof.

Our relationship had mainly consisted of me being berated, verbal abuse, walking on eggshells, irrational behaviour, violent modd swings, etc. etc. Everything is black and white and people are either good or absolute b&$*#+ds who have a personal vendetta against her (in her opinion). There's a long line of people who started out as good friends who, for some reason or another, she has since wiped from her life.  There's also a history of self harm and I have been physically abused.  I lasted 22 years of marriage!

Stepping away from the marriage has obviously given me the opportunity to analyse.  I am not the person I was before I entered into this relationship.  I think the constant criticism and forever being mindful of saying the wrong thing has made me withdraw and hide my emotions.  This of course componded matters as she needs constant reassurance that she is loved and adored.  The emotional abuse increased and increased and I'd withdrawn further from her.

She diagnosed me with having Aspergers a few years ago as I was, in her opinion, incapable of showing love or emotion.  I ignored it at first, but as with all things, the constant hounding I got about it made me question it myself.  I finally accepted that she was probably right about 2 years ago.  So, the terrible marriage was all my fault after all!

However, even after a month being apart, I have realised that I am not that person.  Every day apart I feel better about myself.  I'm happy again - I had forgotten what that was like. A weight has been lifted and I can breathe again.

Now I get the phone calls and the texts from her about the constant chaos that follows her and how I need to help her, and I can see from a distance how wrapped up in it all I became.  I'm thankful I am no longer living with it 24 x 7!

I do have things I am struggling with.  She has demonised me to our children (they are late teens), but because of their age they are aware that mum has issues.  In recent years they have started to point out to her that some of the things she says to me are unjustified.  This will usually result in them being told that they are 'stabbing her in the back' and that it's 'all his fault'!

She's undiagnosed and I have read numerous reports that it is probably not best to tell a person they have BPD.  I have debated this and concluded that she would not take it well.  It would result in a massive downward spiral and self harm I imagine.

However, should I speak to my children about it?  I would like them to understand why things are like they are and why mum does what she does, but at the same time I don't want to hurt them or their relationship with her.  Would they treat her differently knowing about BPD?  I trust myself not to blurt out about BPD in the heat of the moment, but would they be able to do the same?

This is a tricky situation, and I think you raise the right questions/reservations, especially where kids are involved.

I don't have an answer, but there is good information (for reference) here:

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0)