BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone! I am Mark and for the last three years I have been in an intense relationship with a girl. Two months ago she jump off a bridge at 3 am after a small fight. She has been taken to a hospital and was diagnosed with BPD. I broke off the relationship. Now two months has passed and I thought I would be better. I just feel so lost. Any help is appreciated.

I think if your girlfriend had BPD then it must have been an intense relationship indeed. Perhaps you've read a lot about BPD or not. But what I do encourage you to do is grieve. With a person like this it's natural to try and figure it out and see where you might have gone wrong or right. But it's also okay to cry about it and even talk about the good times you've had with her with others, for example using this forum.

I think it's normal to feel bad after only two months. Give yourself more time. Keep doing things for yourself. Some people take longer than others to feel better about something like that.

Also, do you feel responsible for what happened? I know I might,  because the jumping was after an argument. That is also something to work out.

Dear Mark-

Welcome to our community.

I am deeply sorry for what you have been through.  Without your saying this, I take it that your exBPDgf has fully recovered her physical health from the bridge jump... but that you feel “responsible” for her actions.

My friend.  Please hear me.  You are NOT to blame.  And you never were. You were not responsible for her actions before you met, while you were IN the relationship or now that you’re out. 

You did NOT cause her BPD - her illness, and nothing you do or don’t do will ever cure her.  She is responsible for herself, handling her emotions and her own actions.  And no matter what she may say to you or against you; no matter how she may try to *indict* you, her actions - bad and good - are hers.  Full stop.

I understand the hurt and confusion you feel.  I experienced that for years, both during and when I initially left my relationship.  It’s okay to feel lost for a while.  And Mark, the only way to heal from this is allow yourself to go “through” these feelings.

When we exit these relationships, or when we somehow are finally given an explanation of sorts (i. e. a diagnosis) for what we experienced, it doesn’t make it any easier.  There are many people here who’ve “known” their partner's diagnoses for years, yet the extremes of this illness govern their daily lives and interactions.  Govern their moments.

This no longer governs you.  You no longer have to live your days in extremes.  If you’ve been isolated from friends and family, this is no longer required.  Perhaps it’s time to reach out to an old friend.

It’s time to talk about what YOU need.

And my friend... you’re in a very safe place here with people who understand.

Please share more about where you’re feeling lost.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes