BPDFamily.com

Hi. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend that has broken me emotionally.

For the last 3 1/2 years I have felt like I have been on a roller coaster and can't seem to calm it down.

In the first 4 months it was wonderful and I thought I had found the love of my life. From that time on though things changed. Before I knew what was happening He started:

punishing me for nothing with Silent Treatment

He disappeared unexpectedly often

He was extremely passive aggressive and I never knew if he was angry or what because he would say everything was ok but then would take off.

I feel like when he comes back and acts like nothings wrong and tells me that I am overreacting to nothing it makes me crazy.

I have become insecure, anxious and dependent on what is gonna happen next.

He has become like a walking empty shell of a person. Very secretive, and elusive with no response to anything I try to discuss. When I ask him if he just wants to end things, he says no and that he loves me.

I feel like I am now a prisoner because I am scared that maybe I am not understading what is really happening.

Please Anyone have any in-site?

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Do you believe he has BPD?  What makes you think this?

Hi ReadytoRun,  

Welcome.  I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation.    Feeling like you are on a roller coaster ride is certainly not fun.  I understand how confusing the behavior is and how it can give you anxiety.  

The behaviors you described are some common characteristics of BPD. People with BPD tend to socially isolate themselves, withdrawl, and avoid things.  It is a coping mechanism used as a reaction to emotional situations and emotional states. Essentially, a pwBPD has a very hard time regulating their emotions. The majority of their emotions are internalized feelings of sadness, shame, and anger. This type of learned behavior stems from their childhood. It becomes learned and then repetitive maladaptive behavior.

Here is an article that provides more information about BPD.  BPD: What is it? How can I tell? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63511.0)


Learning how to effectively communicate with a pwBPD can make a world of difference.  We have many tools on this site to help you communicate with your SO.  Take a look at the lessons on the right hand side of this page.

Although understanding the behavior of BPD is important, it is also important to take care of yourself. Have you had the chance to focus on yourself?  I found having a "support team" of family members, friends, and my therapist really helps me cope with the erratic behaviors of my pwBPD.  :)o you have support outside of your relationship?

Thank you for your responses. I will read the article you recommended. He has not been diagnosed so I don't know if I am wrong about this but the behaviors sounded like it. Also I believe that he has split me black  before.

I am not trying to talk bad about him I just am hurting very badly and I don't understand the behaviors that he is displaying with me. Sometimes I wonder if I am just clueless and I feel ashamed that I can't just leave him and move on.

:'(

It is understandable to inquire about behavior that seems different and confusing.  Perhaps you can share more  of your story? Posting here really helps.

The kind of things that have been happening are:

He cheated on me for a few months and then came back telling me he made a huge mistake and that he loved me so much. We had a short good period after that and he said that he actually asked me to marry him. Then he disappeared 2 weeks after that for about a week. He was using drugs (he is now newly in recovery) and when he did come home a week later, he didn't understand why I was so upset and never wants to discuss any issues (insecurities or trust) that I have from his past behavior. Its like he does things and then erases it by making me feel uncomfortable to even bring it up. If I do I will get the silent treatment or he will tell me I live in the past and leave.

Now he is saying that he needs space to figure stuff out. I asked if it is about us and he said no that he loved me. I gave him space but when he calls or we see eachother, he is so disconnected. He then sends me texts professing his love etc.  I feel like I can't win and that I am sometimes going nuts because of the contradiction between the words and actions.

I would welcome some time apart and read up on BPD thoroughly.  There are so many articles, forums, YouTube videos, and books.  I've found just about all of it useful in understanding what has happened to me and how I need to proceed.   

I am sorry that you are enduring all of this.   


Coping with this behavior is really difficult. Trying to discern the contradiction between actions and words can really drive you bananas.    Learning about the disorder and practicing how to depersonalize it really helps with the feeling of confusion and frustration. 

Perhaps you can try giving him more space?  I found that giving my pwBPD space when he is distant or dysregulating makes a difference. When a pwBPD feels enmeshed or overwhelmed, there is a tendency to become distant or avoid. Having a bit of space for yourself can help you heal.