BPDFamily.com

 Hey everyone,

Something up and struggling with lately is feeling guilty for wanting to distance myself from my undiagnosed BPD mom. The things she says to me via text, email, voicemail, when she is in one of her rages, are horrific (I’m sure some of you know what I’m talking about). So why do I find myself feeling bad? I guess I keep thinking that since she has this mental illness, that it isn’t her fault? At what point is it her choice to call me a bitch, say f you, I’m dead to her, etc. and at what point is it the illness? Am I making excuses for her? Ugh been caught thinking in circles and would love some other eyes on this. Thanks. Hope you are at peace .

Hi.

Guilt makes sense as taking care of our parent and meeting their needs is something we ahve always done and have been taught that we have to do it for survival or that if we don't we are 'bad' people.  Does that fit?

It is not her fault that she has a mental illness.  she is, however, still responsible for her actions - which includes her words.  People with BPD are not insane and therefore, are IMO, responsible for what they say and do.  That said, we can still have compassion and understanding for them while still protecting our self and holding them responsible thereby not enabling them or making excuses for them.

I see responsibility differently than i do blame though.

How do you see it?

BPD is pervasive and as such it affects all aspects of a person.  Your mom is more than her disorder though.

Does any of that help?

I struggle with this constantly. It would be one thing if those vile reactions were because there was actual conflict, or if I did or said something hurtful. I would be more likely to write it off as "well, she has difficulty regulating her emotions."  But her reactions towards me for just *being* is what makes me spiral into anger and resentment. I am just living my life, trying to take care of my priorities, starting with ME. I have to self-care in order to be my best self to everyone else. This includes living my truth and living the life I want.  All while being the best partner/daughter/friend/neighbor/employee/human possible.

Also, she's more than her disorder yes. But, if she refuses to accept that something may be off, that something needs to be looked at and nurtured/loved/taken care of because this isn't how a healthy relationship should be, then at what point do you just throw your hands up and walk? When does it become less exhausting?  Holding up the boundaries and enforcing all the strategies and tactics we're supposed to learn and practice is the most draining part of my life.

Thanks so much for your advice and thoughts on this.

@harri - what you said about having compassion while holding her responsible is so right, and so hard. I’m working on finding that balance because I tend to jump from complete apathy and anger at her to guilt and pity.

@kylie - I’m with you. Setting boundaries has been completely exhausting and honestly feels pointless because she doesn’t respect them. Which is why I’m now considering just walking away. I don’t know what the answer is but appreciate you posting.

It takes time.  This is not a one and done sort of thing where you think about it, find an answer and everything is all set.  It takes practice, dealing with our feelings, time to understand the dynamics of the disorder and how that plays into how we respond, etc.  Even then, these relationships are very trying at best.

Boundaries can take a lot of time and energy and once you get comfortable with them and better with them it gets easier and less exhausting... most of the time.   If however, you are waiting for her to respect them or follow them or even to hear you and recognize your needs, the exhaustion and frustration will continue.  So lets talk about this some more.

Boundaries require no action on the part of the other person for them to work when implemented properly.  Boundaries govern us, are a reflection of our personal values and how we choose to protect them and determine how we respond. 

Expecting someone who has an emotional dysregulation disorder with poor impulse control and emotional immaturity to respect our boundaries is not going to be successful.   As the healthy/healthier person it is up to us to take set and enforce our boundaries.

If you don't want to do the above, that is okay too.  Recognize though that it is not necessarily the boundaries that did not work but that it was a choice you made, a choice that is valid given your needs and circumstances. 

it is okay to say no if that is what you choose.