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I'd like to draw attention, once again, to this post by 2010, which has given me confidence and insight into my thoughts of what happened to me:


2010

   

Re: BPD women who lead men on

« Reply #34 on: September 08, 2010, 05:58:43 PM »

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=127464.msg1256608#msg1256608


According to James F. Masterson, parental scapegoating adds on to the Borderline’s failure to detach and learn the necessary *adaptive skills* to free themselves from “me-but not me” bondage. Their frustration at not being able to free themselves turns inwardly directed and results in “generally some form of sado-masochistic sexual adaptation, which reflects the earlier level of aggression and conflict.”  (Pg. 135 The Narcissistic and Borderline Disorders. Masterson author)

If you’ve ever wondered why sex is so incredible with a Borderline- it’s because they use it to serve you while fulfilling their internal splitting.

Borderlines are people in psychological bondage.  Their earliest source of human interaction (the Mother, i.e; parental object) may have also been in psychological bondage- and clung to the child.  (The easiest person to cling to- is a person who cannot say no.)

Maybe Mother was a Narcissist, and expected the child to reflect Mother’s World, maybe Mother was jealous or envious when the child started to show signs of self-responsibility or was passive aggressive about it, maybe Mother didn’t feel good about herself and turned her back on her child and withdrew.  Any of these combination's can make a child question their own autonomy and return to the parent for consolation and approval, abruptly ending all self-adventure.

Instead of raising her child to be authentic and with a solid concept of self, Mother subsumed and objectified the baby as a permanent part of herself. Mother may have adored the baby as a reflection of herself, causing the baby to mirror her moods or maybe Mother was never home causing the child anxiety and to cling to her - in response to Mother’s absence. Or Mother was anxious and then began to suspect and fear the child’s separateness which triggered her own separation anxiety and she began to scapegoat the child for having its own mind.  The child then stops developing and discovering (on their own) and returns to cling and console the Mother. The Mother, and perhaps Father in turn, said, “Who do you think you are? You are helpless and worthless!” scapegoating the child for its efforts to detach from them.

This taught the infant to hide the true self and provide a false self instead, one that was the perfect mirror to prove worthiness and to survive the whims of the hypercritical Parent. The child learned that to become something other than an “object,” a mirror for the parent… was wrong.  Any attempt to become self directed (something outside of the parent) triggered the Mother’s separation anxiety. 

Does the borderline love?  Yes. Does that love equate with freedom to be and live the way they want? No. Love has been taught to be a choreographed pattern of response to their own objectification (the nullification of their emerging self)-caused by the early caregivers and addressed by servitude, mirroring, and clinging behaviors to ensure that the Borderline is valued (to ensure that they survive.) 

To a Borderline: “Love is Bondage.” Borderlines are eager to please and be rewarded for their efforts. A "moral defense" is the tendency to take all the bad upon themselves, each believing he is morally bad so his partner (de facto caretaker) can be regarded as good. This is a use of splitting as a defense to maintain an attachment relationship in an unsafe world.(~ Fairbairn)

And because it's bondage, BPD is all about masochism and thoughts of persecution- and the expectations of being persecuted. If you had to narrow it down to a working hypothesis- it would be: child becomes victimized by a clinging and hypersensitive mother who shows separation anxiety whenever the child tries to detach. The child realizes that there is no other choice but to cling and formulates many acting out behaviors to this intrapsychic dilemma of “me- not me.”  The Behaviors become masochistically self-serving to the psychological construct that the Mother supplanted into the child’s mind- that the child is a kept person and has no ability to make her own decisions.  (In the child's mind, Mother is a sadist- and the only way to please a sadist is to self-sacrifice.)

The child’s anxiety arises in the teen-age years when she thinks of ways to step outside of Bondage and into adult life. Cutting, thrill seeking, impulsive sex (especially alternating between submissive and dominant sex) spending money, etc. are all ways to temper her masochistic anger and have it sadistically released (impulsively) to help offset the learned helplessness.  Often the result is a borderline who rails against abandonment (but clings for dear life) while harboring sadistic/masochistic fantasies which lead to self harm *to get back at the Master* (parents) for spite…

When the Borderline begins dating- it is the same outcome. Seductive mirroring, attaching, then clinging- then anxiety to offset the masochistic anger felt at being controlled. Her inability to self-soothe at her core and subsequently, release of tension with acting out behaviors - get attention at first, but now they are compulsive- and it’s no longer good. Et Voila’ you have the romantic partner turned into a de facto hypercritical, clinging parent who persecutes her. She is back in Bondage again.

You will be admired, adored and then clung to and when you attempt to peel them off and expect them to be self sufficient- they will use the only thing they were taught - sadistic SCAPEGOATING.  It's a hard pill to swallow- but you replaced the Parent. You will never *not* be scapegoated. The good news is: you actually got in there close enough to replicate the parent bond. The bad news is... .The scapegoating helps protect them. It's what they know. It's what they've been taught. There's nothing you can do to escape it- and every conversation you have after you've been split will only appear to them as sadistically motivated. To persuade them that you don't deserve the enemy behavior is pointless. They just dont understand it. In their minds, the conflict is with your behavior- not theirs. They may be confused- and admit they are confused- but they wont hear a word you are saying.

The Behaviors become self-serving to the psychological construct that the romantic partner (formerly Mother object in her mind) supplanted into the BPD’s mind- that the BPD is a kept person and has no ability to make her own decisions, is a masochist and is being sadistically persecuted.

The Borderline Self was not allowed to become “whole,” the outcome of a failure to separate and individuate from Mother during that pre-oedipal time- the curious, crawling, walking, discovering infant.  Masterson felt that the genesis of Borderline disorder is the infant getting stuck between two outcomes of separation and individuation.  The result being transfixed on Mothers reward (the on switch) and withdrawal (the off switch.)

The Borderline sees a withdrawing maternal part-image who enjoys the Borderlines helplessness and dependency. (Borderline Women and Men consistently replace this part-self image in marriage with Men and Women who foster dependency and infantilize them.)  The outcome of this withdrawing maternal image part is the idea that this person exploits- and is deliberately cruel. This triggers the fear of engulfment, but also activates abandonment depression. (The Borderline says: where will I go? Who will I cling to now?)

The rewarding maternal part-image is a strong, wonderful, idealized (all good) Mother who would save the Borderline from certain death. The outcome of the rewarding part is the *feeling good that never stays*that is, never forms the ability to self soothe without Mother- and a subsequent depression arises because that part of the self image that allows the self to feel protected is also being a helpless, clinging, needy child.

This is the failure to separate/individuate.

It took me awhile to realize this. Nothing would change. I would be and will be a scapegoat for the rest of my life. Reason enough to stop arguing about it- although I still get the urge... .It's been my greatest struggle- to let go of the outcome of something that never made sense. Now, it does. Hopefully you understand it too.   

References:

James F. Masterson

Melanie Klein

DW Winnicott

John Bowlby

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Object_relations_theory

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_F._Masterson

Thank you.

Great reminder!

We didn't cause it, and we can't fix it anymore than we can go back in time and give them different parents!

that was some good reading. It just made sense why my exBPDgf would always tell me Im just like her daddy. Not in age but in my demeanor. Which she never could explain why or how come. But she woudl always through that up.

In bold.

Mine too referred to me as daddy as well... .

In the devaluation phase.

She would launch that phrase at me... .

In a nasty sarcastic way.

yep It only came out in the devauling stage. Right before she would push me away and she would use it to start arguments with. very early in our relationship, no that i think about it was about the time she lied to me and went to meet her ex behind my back. I was questioning some of her odd behaviors, she threw that up in my face that I acted like her daddy. when she was a teenage and she said he always thought she was lying. I didnt hear it again for a long time. BUt it came back around this alst beak up. and it was once again over some of her very suspcious behaviors. I aksed one question and she exploded and immediatly started saying we just need to break up and not to be togther. I said over me asking one question. of course she said you act just like my daddy. Hmmm.

Mine would say I acted just like her mother and I am a man. I am very nurturing and do have motherly instincts, however, I am very independent and encourage independence in my mates. That aspect of my personality must have scared her half to death - probably why she said that I was the most frustrating out of all her exes (I was everything she needed and hated at the same time).

Ditto