BPDFamily.com

Recently, I posted about a fight we had a year ago, when my wife got upset that I was reading an "inappropriate" Simpsons comic book to our then-6-year-old daughter because it mentioned Barney's 12-step program.  While I stopped immediately and apologized several times, she kept getting angrier and angrier.

More recently, our 13-year-old son has been bugging us about Dead Pool.  My wife and I agree the movie is out.  He was bugging us about taking out Dead Pool comics from the library.  Earlier this summer, we agreed that I would review some at the library before making a decision.  I leafed through one and found a scene where he shoots a woman in both kneecaps, cuts off her fingers with a sword, and tortures her for information.  I told my wife and we agreed--off limits.

Yesterday, I come home and find out that she has checked out FOUR Dead Pool graphic novels for him!  All she can say is that she "got distracted."

Keep in mind that our son has had problems such as posting threatening messages and images online that have lead to calls to the police and suspension from school.  I have had to leave work to get him at school and take him to his therapist to get a mental health clearance before he could return.

Another case of what is a major crime when I do it to being a minor oversight when she does it.

I've found the many double standards that my W has to be very damaging to the marriage.  The only solutions I've found is to call her out on the more serious or clear cut examples and ignore the minor ones.  It has not completely solved the issue, but has made some progress because she knows I'll challenge her and it wont be pleasant for her.  There is an implusivity, though, that I don't think she ever entirely overcome so I can't do zero tolerance.

In your current example calling her out might not be the best first choice.  If she was "distracted", fair enough, one of your can simply return the videos and establish parental consistency without a big hooha.  Then you can validate that teamwork.   If this doesn't work, though, it does sound serious enough to warrant further discussion with her or just take back yourself.

It sounds like she has trouble setting limits.

Together you agreed that the graphics novels were off limits, and she caved. Now S13 has them.

Is there a plan to talk to S13 and tell him the novels have to go back? I'm not saying this would be easy, though it's probably the only way to communicate that the limit really is the limit. Otherwise, from her perspective, the limit must not be meaningful because neither of you will assert it.