BPDFamily.com

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344462.30
Some other observations and epiphanies...

Thinking through everything for the last several months, I think the vacation episodes have started to “make sense”.

It used to be that we would take vacation and as the end neared, he would get bummed and his mood would go down. I thought this was pretty typical behavior and didn’t think much of it.

Over the years he wanted more vacations (some cheap, short getaways, others longer and more expensive), BUT the mood shift would start midweek and he’d start with “the vacation is over”. (And, if we ever had a disagreement, he ALWAYS said “we’ll talk about this when we get home”. Very ominously and an attempt to scare me into backing down. Lately I started calling him out that he always makes this threat...probably not the right thing...I didn’t understand what I was dealing with).

The last couple of years we were taking 3-4 vacations a year. Again, some were cheap, but it felt excessive and I also felt that it took away some of the fun specialness of it.  But during these recent years, the “vacation’s over” started at the beginning and even a couple before we even left!

I resented spending money on this when he was starting with it is over. Why are we going then?

But, I recognize now that the vacation was so much more to him. It was the time he thought he would get relief from his feelings. And for a while I think he did, but over the years, for whatever reason, it didn’t have the same impact so he got less relief. I have always seen vacation as looking forward to fun with family and was able to enjoy whatever. He wanted a break from his feelings.

Not sure what I do with this, but it makes sense to me now. And, while I understand it, I have a hard time reconciling what to do with it or even if there is anything to do.

Do you think I’m on the right path here?

The same applies to why the big house, new car, etc., etc., only make him happy for a little while. Why it’s never enough. I have a 5 yo car that I LOVE. I take good care of it (mostly), it doesn’t get a ton of miles.  But I still love it after 5 years. It’s nothing special, just what I wanted.

Anyway, just putting pieces of my puzzle together to see if I like the final result.

oh sure.

I always sorta cringe when posters say "it will get better" because that is such a nebulous phrase and means vastly different things to different people.   it runs the gamut from 'it gets better - goes back to the nirvana like idealization stage from the beginning'   to it gets better - suddenly we have a perfectly normal workable relationship'.

FF said personality disorders don't get fixed.   True.    they can be managed by the person with the disorder.    with a lot of hard work and effort.   years of therapy.   with deep and brave self awareness.   sometimes with medication.   they don't go away.   and there is no tool, skill or communications technique you can use that will make him not think, act or feel from within his world view.    


No.    

Why is this hard for you to understand?

that's not a rhetorical question.      it goes to what do I think might get better.

what gets better is you.   your level of upset.   your amount of exhaustion.   your ability to accept him for what he is, and his limitations.   you find ways to get your emotional needs met... and your individuality respected probably outside the martial relationship.   you form friendships, and attachments.   you find ways to contribute and be recognized for those contributions, perhaps in your community, perhaps in a work environment.    this way all your eggs are not in one basket, you have a full and active life in addition to or outside the home.

the relationship has less conflict.    when conflict arises it does not drag on into days long events.   the relationship has less unhealthy enmeshment.   the relationship has less fear.  the practical realities of living with mental illness have been addressed and planned for as much as possible.     divorce threats have lost their sting because you have a plan... if X happens I know I can do Y.     physical violence has a safety plan in place.     financial instability has been addressed...   as far as it can.    a lot of the insecurity of the relationship has been calmly looked at...   it's no longer a reactive relationship... it's a active relationship.

Him...mmmmeeehhh... he is going to do what he is going to do.   there is no way to predict.     from what you describe he doesn't appear to have a great deal of self awareness.   or an interest in bettering himself or the relationship.    his behavior might improve slightly if there is less stress in his environment.   but under stress,  in times of emotional difficulty he will likely return to the behaviors he has now unless he works to address them.

my two cents
'ducks    

This is tough. I didn’t know about BPD, or much about NPD, so have been struggling to fully comprehend. Face value I understand, mind bending me how deep and accepting that only improvement is on me and how far I’m willing and able to go. I haven’t figured that out yet.


For a lot of reasons I suppose. Years of flickering red flags, but predominantly functioning in a quasi “normal” state. Successful professional life (earn a good living vs professional dysregulation I wasn’t a party to).  Behaving fairly typical personally with few and far between flairs chalked up to “Latin emotion.”

Denial.  Denial. Confused believing that when he helped me many times that all times were for my benefit and not correctly distinguishing the difference.

Example —get a job that pays what I deserve. Help negotiate a higher pay rate, time off, etc. Good for me. When my job becomes more stable and more money, it becomes too intensive, can’t help with family stuff, they’re taking advantage of me. I believed his interpretation. And, yes I see what a fool I’ve been, but I continued to believe his slick bs was for my best interest. I see now it has set me back a million years and I’m at the age where it is just too hard to start over and recapture. Add pandemic and financial independence is difficult.

And probably more denial because I was getting things I needed even if it wasn’t exactly what I wanted.

Fear of unknown, of full responsibility (theme is financial responsibility is all I’m afraid of).  Fear that he is masterfully charming and that he will take me down in a divorce.  

So, pandemic has made denial impossible. I don’t want to understand.

Working on this, too.


Strangely I think I’ve very messily gotten here. I don’t want to be divorced, per se. But this is not what I signed up for. I don’t want this anymore.

This has changed. I have tried to make him see what we were (which unbeknownst to me was never real so that’s why he could never get back there).  The threats still sting, but less so. Having a plan definitely helps. I think I can overcome every obstacle. The not having a job to support myself is the scariest. Don’t think the irony of recognizing this as the most valuable hurdle during what is turning into the highest unemployment rate has escaped me. It hasn’t. But I will bag groceries or sweep floors. I really don’t care if we have a roof, food and access to medical care. I need nothing else. Not one thing if my kids and I are out of this emotional hell.

But right now I can’t get there. I’m trying to not let this upset me, it does.  I apply to any job I can find but it’s limited. Almost got one but they felt I was over qualified...I was a bit, but I didn’t care. I understand they don’t want to risk bringing someone on who might leave. They don’t know I’m desperate and would do anything to have financial stability. Can you tell a prospective employer you won’t quit because you’re trying to escape BPD hell?  I joke, but...

So, yes, I have messily come to realize the only thing holding me back is financial insecurity.

I wonder if I can get through a Christmas or a kids birthday I think so, but also know I’ll probably crumble and have to get back up. But I can.


And that’s what I suspect. Is it unfair because he’s devastated by pandemic. Would things be this bad if times were normal?  But ultimately it will be something else. I can’t do the cycle again.

He’s only interested in bettering the relationship by me doing something different.

Do you know when my father passed away he never told me he was sorry?  Not once. Didn’t even think I should need time to grieve.

Never asks me how I’m doing. Then, before, now.

I can’t ask how his day was...I don’t get this, but I don’t do it anymore.

Can’t say goodbye or have a nice day.

Sorry this is f’ed up. But it also means I get none of these in return. I don’t know if he has ever asked me how my day was. Ever.  Maybe 25 years ago, but I’m speculating.

Why am I so messed up that I accepted this?  But for him, I don’t think I’m any more messed up than anyone else.

I ask my friends, they ask me. I get these things, just not from him.

the bedrock traits of BPD/NPD were probably always there.   they might have been less noticeable, if you were appeasing him, or not paying careful attention.

people who are organized to process information/life at this level, see their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions.    also they believe  that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change
 
people with NPD can be outwardly charming.   usually charming in ways that are manipulative.     no one arrives in this world with a PhD in psychology and BPD/NPD can be very hard for professionals to identify.   that's why they are often mentioned together...    professionals will tell you that a diagnosis often only comes when the pwBPD/NPD reaches some sort of crisis or mental collapse.


it is upsetting.   it is scary.     and for good reason.    this is a tough nut to crack.  this is a one day at a time thing.     it will take time to see progress,.. especially now in the midst of the pandemic and the changing world we live in.    do what you can but please, please remember to take breaks and be kind to yourself.    self care.     cultivate good moments for yourself and your children...

'ducks

Thanks BabyDucks.

I feel like it’s all becoming clearer.  I’m getting where I am seeing your point about why the heck I believe certain things and why I don’t understand others. Bitter pill but promise of getting better.

Quick question, open to all input...

My H has made a few comments about when this is over____, when this is over and we separate/divorce. I’ve just ignored and left, not adding any fuel to it.

But, he’s also started commenting again about time of year. He has attributed my first time to a season.  He’s wrong, idk why he thinks it, etc. But he’s alluding to it going to be bad when that season comes, which is also my birthday (sometimes he thinks it was my birthday, it wasn’t, ugh, ugh, ugh). So, he’s basically bracing me (and himself?) that he will be dysregulated during this season. He’s made a side comment one or two times in the last couple of weeks.

I’ve also ignored the comment and left.

Any thoughts on how to handle?  It’s like he’s forecasting but not actually fully dysregulated but knows he will be. I don’t want to add any fuel to it and if he does lose it, I will hold my boundary, but this may tip us over. And pandemic may still be going on. Any help is appreciated.

Thanks !

can you say more about this?    how do you feel about his forecasting?    what do you think is going on here?    what do you think should be  your first priority response?    what's your goal in your response?   

One of the reasons we give analogies is so that when you reach a point where you ask "what in the world do I do with xyz?"  you can at least have a "frame of reference".

So...I want you to imagine that this is a "Bpd fire" that is burning.  (and let's remember you didn't start the fire)

In the past have we suggested that you "add fuel to the fire" or ?

Work on getting the principle right and then come up with some possibilities for a practical response that supports the principle.

Best,

FF

I don’t know. Usually he is in the moment dysregulating. Now he’s telling me this season will be bad.

It’s really pushing up on that boundary of not discussing, and technically may be. I simply will not discuss any further.

So, my thought is to treat it the same and not acknowledge and remove myself.

But I can’t say I won’t discuss because not really discussing and I’m definitely not discussing what he may do to dysregulate in the future.

Maybe he’s preparing himself just as much as he’s warning me?

Do you think my assessment is close?

Thanks FF,

I’m inclined to hold my not discussing my past anymore boundary with this forecasted dysregulation.

I don’t think I want to state “I won’t discuss” because technically he’s just saying it is coming. I do not want to add any fuel or validity to HIS problem.  

So, ignore and if needed, walk away.

Let him deal with it.

Am I close?

Just a bit thrown by advance warning and whether there is something I could/should do to stop it in its tracks before. Guessing not...but new twist (maybe just to my untrained eye?).

I think you have "generally the right idea".

I think it's important for you to understand the reasons for having this idea so that you will be more confident in your path...going forward.

Your confidence will help you decide what to say and to "hold the course" when he or others try to "get you back in line".

Please trust me...he will try to "get you back in line".  I tell you this not to scare you but so that you can be prepared and not surprised.  

It's critical that you hold firm to your new course

Here is the thing, you have discussed your past he has all the information.  Going back around that circle is going to help your relationship...how?    (it's a serious question to ask and I hope you conclude it won't help)

So..."hand it back to him".  

you:  "Oh..babe...help me understand what new information about this you want to discuss."  

him:  Lots of words but nothing new

you:  "I'll consider reopening this issue if you have new information to discuss"

Then discuss the fish for dinner or the flowers you are planting.  If he keeps trying to discuss "the past"

"I'm open to discussing new information about this.  I'm not going to repeat a hurtful conversation.  I'm going to take a walk and clear my head."

It's important that you own this...own your value.  Make it about you and not him.  Let him deal with the consequences in a good or bad way (that's up to him)

It's important that you are clear about your role.  That's the best chance for him to gain clarity and/or do something new.

Best,

FF

Be careful about any times when you "not acknowledge" or "ignore".  There may be times when this is needed.

There are ways to respond so he feels heard, yet you don't give him the information that will "feed the fire".

Can you give some he said she said of what this looks like?  I don't want anything to get lost in translation or assumptions.

Perhaps add in what you used to say (or what pattern he is likely expecting) and lay that next to what you are saying now. 

Best,

FF

Hello UBPDhelp,
While reading your posts I see many parallels to your situation. I have Been married, with kids, to a highly successful person, who always ran our household like his own kingdom. He managed to ruin every birthday celebration I had in the past “...teen” years, control and exercise financial, verbal and on a few occasions physical abuse against me and my children. He has no boundaries, common sense or control over his “urges” to punish. The reason why I am telling you this, is after many years of believing that bpd is the enemy, I learnt that my husband most likely  has a comorbid diagnoses. Which means that the “triggers” and “tools” that I have been so obsessed over, may not always be effective. I encourage you to keep diary and speak to a clinicalpsychologist who can then tell you what criteria applies to your husband. I’m also going through a period of grieve and fear. As information slowly sinks in, there are bounds of hopeless and pain. I’m working on it alone and with the help of the clinician. I’m turning to my friends for emotional support and validation. For some people like NotWendy and Ff their significant others are manageable enough to have fulfilling relationships. They did not get there in one jump. I encourage you to read their stories. For others, especially when unpredictable violent outbursts transpired the exit strategy was there only route out of the chaos. Regardless of the direction you take, please take time and invest in yourself. Support and prioritize your needs and those of your dependent. If, or more accurately when he turns the corner, from your messages he reminds me a lot of my husband who is npd, once you don’t respond to the silent treatments and punishments, he will no longer be able to manipulate you. So a few things will happen- he will look for another supply, or try and play nice so he can be in your good graces. Don’t take it personally, it’s not about you. Very little is about us- it is mostly internal processes of the distorted thinking. Bpd won’t go away, npd doesn’t go away, you knee jerk reactions do. I’m currently sleeping alone in my bed for the past 5 days. Before I came here, these lonely nights and sense of abandonment would eat away my soul. Not anymore.

I want to add that one of the reasons I've been able to "manage" my relationship as well as I have is a long term relationship with a PhD level clinical psychologist. 

She is in her 60s so has had lots of experience. 

"Dealing with" personality disorders is not an area for "newbies".

I've had a relationship with this P for over 4 years now.

We obviously can't know what my life would be like if I didn't have this relationship.  I will say she is a critical part of the team and I can't imagine doing this without her.

My wife used to regularly try to get me to stop seeing the P.  She realizes the source of many changes comes from there.

Now she kinda acts like she doesn't care or is surprised "that I still" see her.

I say that to assure you that if you wait to do something like this when your pwBPD agrees, it's unlikely to ever happen.

To relate this back to your current situation, I would first spend your time finishing up your journey/evaluation of lawyers and your legal situation and then be deliberate about finding a therapist that is a good fit for you.

This may take a couple of tries to find a "good fit".

I promise you it is well worth it.

Best,

FF

This stood out to me. If he is planning or aware that he is going to be 'dysregulated' during that time and warning you about it, he is using these episodes to get something. The question is does he have a plan to address the forcasted episode?

This is true. I, without knowing, have told him for years that I was tired of talking about it and simply could not. I had told him everything from the beginning. The thing is, sometimes I would give a little so he would stop and sometimes he would have invented some new caveat that I would get caught up telling him he was wrong. I had no idea these little things were giving him his fix.

But, since we’ve discussed here and I set that boundary, I just won’t discuss. Recently he’s been making sideways comments under his breath or just as he walks out of the room half mumbling.

This is where he says about it coming. Am I supposed to validate his feelings when he’s not fully directing it to me?  I’ve been choosing to ignore.


This sounds great. And I’d like to believe this would work. But honest to goodness he’s created new things. Like 5-10 years ago he started telling me that I once told him that the bf and I had done it multiple times in one day. That never happened. Not me telling him or that we did. But he believes it. He tells me I don’t remember things and I wracked my brain to try to remember saying this. I couldn’t, but he made me believe I must have. I never did. I don’t know if he stayed up late watching movies and then woke up believing it was me or some crazy thing. He’s done that with movies on occasion, not necessarily believing I did something, but that something was real. Doesn’t happen often and I don’t watch half this stuff with him, so hard to tell.

Today he told a story about a conversation he said he had with my friend’s husband. The thing is, I’ve never even met my friend’s husband (this is years ago and they have since moved). I had relayed a conversation I had with my friend about her husband, not a big deal, but my H thought it was annoying and told me so at the time. But, today, the story was he told the guy off. Idk what that is.  Does he not remember?  Does he believe it happened?  Or is he just making it up for effect?  I don’t know.

He’s told a lot of stories over the years and I always took them as truth. Maybe because I tell the truth and he holds the truth in such high regard, I thought he was.

Went off on a tangent to say that I think he would just create something new to discuss, so I feel like not discussing anymore is better.



I agree. He needs to see that I value myself.

I need to see he doesn’t value me.

Oh, FF, the conversations are nuts.

Today it went like this:

Me:  Hey, you look nice in your shorts; it got hot, huh?

H: The stupid electrician f’ed up the heat and it won’t turn off so I had to wear shorts.

Me: Oh, no, I’ll call them in the morning to have them fix (again). (This is not me rescuing, we knew there was a problem and had already discussed I would call them after the w/e)

H: No, they’re such idiots. (Grumbling as he walks out of the room). Not gonna matter when we get divorced.

Or, there’s this.

H:  so many people are out and about.

Me:  I saw, what do you think?

H: I think they’re putting us all at risk and setting us back weeks if not months.

Me: I agree that’s possible. Do you think we might learn something by seeing how it goes?

H: You just want to see people die. You love that, you’re all about death

He says this because I’ve lost both my parents and have grieved. By grieving and having moments here or there where I get choked up, he thinks I’m enjoying it?  My son has a friend who will likely not make it out of his teenage years. My daughter has a friend with an inoperable brain tumor. She shouldn’t have made it a year, it’s been four (her mom is a warrior!). These things move me and I fundraise and help when I can. He HATES this. I can’t not help. How do you not?  But this makes me a lover of death and tragedy.

Happy to have you join the circus and I can share more conversations.

I know I’m probably invalidating, but I honestly don’t know if I am able to function if I have to try this hard.

Sorry I forgot the before...

What did you do/say after "you're an idiot"?


Best,

FF

Well, in this context it was the electricians and he said it walking out of the room. For that I just let him go.

In the imagined scenario, which has played out before, I would now tell him that it is hard for me to hear insulting words and that I need time to go think about it and will come back in an hour to finish discussing the issue.

Before I might get mad or just ignore it.

He is just constantly difficult.

Today as we discussed and both expressed frustration that the electrician had to come back out, I said “I hope the fact that we’re doing no contact service is not causing electrician to make the choice rather than presenting options.” (LMK if that doesn’t make sense).

His response?

What do you want to do? Hold his dic§ in your hand while he tells you what repair we need?

Sad to say I was so shocked, probably shouldn’t have been, that I just walked out. I’m sorry but who talks to another human being like that, let alone their wife?

Then later he had on some of the shows I like, which admittedly he’s run out of things to watch so he’s been sharing some. Nice. Then he looks at one of my favorite stars and says (forgive me...these things make me hate him, I’m so sorry) “Is she a dike?”

I sat for a minute because it is so painful to hear him say hateful things. I really didn’t know how to respond. Usually I would tell him he was being a bigoted a$$ and I won’t tolerate such talk.

But today, I tried the tactic to not let him see it bothered me and just answered, no, she’s married to a man and they have a sweet little girl.

Him — lots of lesbians are married to men. No straight woman would wear their hair like that, she has to be a lesbian.

Excuse me, but WTF?  Literally, WTF?  Is he just trying to pi$$ me off because all his other button pushing is not getting a reaction?

Is he really just trying to make me hate him so I don’t care when he leaves?

Literally, I just continue to be hurt by him. Looking for anything redeeming at this point.

My apologies to anyone who is offended by this post.  I know I am. I’m sorry I’m going to go cry in my room for a bit.

He's good at knowing what buttons to push. Good for you to not react the way he expected!

Thanks Cat...I’m enjoying not reacting to any of his bs.

But, I also can’t wrap my head around the ability to function, let alone sustain, a relationship with someone who speaks like this.

The thing is, I’ve noticed in recent years that he will say over the top, outrageous things when trying to make a point. If there’s discussion and he thinks I (or anyone) am not getting his point, he will say the most offensive things.

It’s like shock me into submission. It’s so bizarre. So bizarre.

But I have said many times that I search and search but don’t seem to know what’s normal anymore. Do other people actually just say these things?  I mean no matter how far off the rocker I am, I simply cannot believe this is normal.

Do you think it’s shock to submission, or just frustration?  Or he’s just an a$$?

Going forward, my hope is that it will "shock you" into disengagement or non-compliance.

The key is that his "shock" doesn't pay off for him.  Then if you also "leave the door open" for a nice conversation, perhaps it will pay off. 

Expect this to take a long time.

Also, if his "goal" is to get you to "stop something" that can be the toughest, because you may have to keep going in the face of a bunch of nasty stuff.

Best,

FF

Hi FF, some of what he says doesn’t shock me anymore, because I’ve heard it before. Others are new and I realize he’s doing because he’s not getting a reaction.

The thing is, I don’t even think he realizes half of what he says is as horrible as it is. It’s not even that he believes it, it’s almost like he thinks he’s saying “please pass the cheese”.

A few months ago the in-laws were over. My SIL is younger but has been around for a while. My H was talking about their uncle, I was in another room listening to his animated story telling, and he gets annoyed by something his mom said about the uncle and I hear him say “I’ll cut his head off and roll it down the hill if he ever does that again”. SIL kind of came running with this horrified look on her face. I realized how desensitized I’d become to his language.

He’s flipped out (usually I think feeling misunderstood or that not enough reverence is being given to his point) and said terrible things about body parts.

He rough houses with our son, which is normal.  But they chase each other and give a swat to the back of their legs. Today my son ran up and kind of accidentally got him in the stomach.  H flinched and then went to grab his arm to tell him to stop. I stepped in between very casually (split second I saw this) and diffused it but honestly the look on his face was pure anger. This has never happened before and nothing actually happened but maybe if I hadn’t stepped between. Idk. Maybe I’m overreacting, but it bothers me that he riled him up and then gets mad when he acts this way. More so, was the look on H’s face as if for a moment he didn’t know where he was. He just seemed somewhere else.

That I haven’t seen, but we have all noticed that he’s forgetting things (bonus, he accuses me of forgetting, but it’s him forgetting). This is new.

Idk what to make of it, but definitely keeping an eye on it.

I still have bags packed and ways out and my phone.

And, bonus tonight that he got mad about giving the kids something, fairly innocent and he just started with divorce again. Then just moves along like I should be good with the comment. I left.

One thing I’m noticing is that he’s now making these comments as he’s leaving the room. Before it would be right to me so I would try SET and no JADEing. But now it feels like he’s saying it about me but not really to me, or as he’s removing himself.  So I don’t chase him or say anything, but maybe I should. Any thoughts?

I want pandemic over, I want a job. I got some questions answered by lawyers. Think I’ve narrowed to two to meet with. Will try virtual.

As noted on the Divorce board, the second L to reply to my question recommended my H’s associate as a great L. This was a big fear.
He will come unglued if it gets out. I did anonymously but still unnerving.

Small steps. One day at a time.

Thank you all for sticking by me especially with some horrible content. This is not what I want for my life.

You actually can consult with your H's lawyer associate, after which your H can not then use him as representation. The lawyer associate would have to recuse. It might be worth the few hundred dollar consultation fee.

Hi GaGrl,

Thank you for the viewpoint.  In an ideal world I would conflict out several lawyers he knows, but this is BPD world and I’m more afraid of my H getting wind of the consult. This lawyer is in H’s office building and they are friends. Even though it’s confidential, I don’t know that a trusted associate wouldn’t give him a heads up. I’m not ready to start down this path, he would see it as an all on assault and there would be no turning back.

I’m close to a decision, which may be wait and see, although I think unlikely.

And, I’m trying to decide whether I should start the process or if it would be better to just let him serve me. Legally I don’t know that it matters. Emotionally for him, it may be better if he does. That said, if I get a job and get my plans in order, and he’s still all threats, I may start if I have secured somewhere to go. He has said several times we will separate when the pandemic is over.

As we all know, this is all more difficult still being stuck home. We have not reopened yet, although soon it will start to stagger. Sometimes I worry I’m just tired of being inside with him nonstop that my thoughts are cloudy. I use as many tools as I can and almost never react to his baiting. He’s switched things up with new language and delivery. I don’t know how much is adapting to my new boundaries or adjusting to pandemic.

But it shows he has some control over his behavior and reactions. But, he has so much disdain for me and I don’t have the energy to try to fix that. For my part, I am not perfect and sometimes do stupid things or say something wrong. I have zero malicious intent or any interest in making anyone feel less than. Quite the opposite mostly, but there is no leeway on minor missteps.

To check whether my perception is cloudy and tired from pandemic, I went back and read some of the online journaling I’ve done the last six months or so. It’s not. The absolute vile, disgust he has spewed at me is not imagined. I have the messages he sent me. I have said many times that I no longer know what “normal” looks like. These messages fall nowhere on that spectrum as far as I can tell. I don’t even know who would be left standing after what he’s said. It’s disgusting.

I’m prepared that I am just flawed and unlovable and that I will spend the rest of my life alone. I’m okay with that. I don’t even know if I could ever have a relationship that appeared anything normal. I don’t know if I would ever be brave enough to try. But accepting that makes settling for what I have easier. This is not okay.

I’m sad. I’m sad for him that he lives in such an awful dark place. I worry where his focus will turn if I’m not there to absorb his feelings. Maybe he can project and gaslight from a distance. I hope so because I don’t want my kiddos to bear the brunt of his problems.

I’m still scared to do this alone and I have a lot of anger growing for him that no longer subsides. How dare he do this to me?  He has told me hundreds of times he will leave and never look back. He did it with his hs gf, his dad, his best friend. Never looked back. I’d rather he moved on, but still hurts to hear how easily I can be discarded after thirty years together. I have less time left on this planet, I can’t spend it on this nonsense.

Sorry GaGrl, this wasn’t all for you...just kept going. :(. I appreciate your insight. Thank you.

UBPDHelp,

we are here for you and we are listening.     we care.

I'm going to suggest you take a few minutes to try and turn your thinking.    you have a lot going on.   what you are going through is very hard.    you are NOT doing anything wrong.   you are not flawed and you are not unlovable.     it may feel that way but that is an indication of the stress you are going through... not of reality. 

take a couple of deep breaths.   and turn your focus away from him.    he is going to create havoc and disharmony.    look away from it.     watch the robin in the yard.     deliberately and consciously look away and watch something in the here and now.   bring yourself and your environment in the here and now into focus.

you have heard of validation.    you have tried to validate him where you could.    do you think you could start to validate yourself?    Yes.  We all could and should validate ourselves.   it's not easy.   Your perceptions are just fine.    They aren't wrong.   some of them, may be in the process of growing and learning but that is completely okay.  you are doing fine.   you are conquering your problems, steadily day by day.

self care UBPDHelp.     self care.

'ducks

Boat loads of tears. Just boat loads.


Everyone should be loved. My kiddos do, my family does despite my H convincing me for years they don’t. I’m so close to calling my sister, but there’s no turning back so trying to time it closer to return to normal, aka H being out of the house for a while.

But, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to function in another relationship. I think I am too damaged. Accepting this is giving me the chance to put it away. If I am alone, I’m okay with that.

But, I will worry about that another time. It was coming to terms with what my future might look like that is allowing me to take some baby steps forward.


I’ve mentioned that I sometimes see signs of things. I’m not a tarot card or psychic person. I don’t dictate my life because of a “sign”, but I do take note. Birds are a love of mine. You mentioning that as a place to turn my focus (I know you were just tossing it out) feels like a sign that I’m on the right path, regardless of how difficult it is. A reminder to stay in the present. It is hard with the disorder around and yet the peace of being in the moment is something I strive for. I think it is only attainable in the long term if H is removed.


A little, a lot, it’s never enough. But I still try every chance I get.

 
I’m not sure I do. I guess if I do it, it’s validation.

I did read through my online journal including copies of messages he sent me. I’m not wrong in my perception of the horrendous behavior/content.

I’d love to hear some examples of how you validate yourself...that may be very helpful.

Thank you BabyDucks, you are solid as a rock and as gentle and kind as a fluffy puppy. Your support and guidance is invaluable to me. Thank you.

I just wanted to share this. I guess just to share.

There is a Sam Smith song I heard years ago as I was driving alone on a few hour drive. It brought me to absolute tears. Good, bad, ugly tears. It doesn’t help that he has the most beautiful, heartfelt voice, imho.   My H does not like him, interestingly. I don’t think he’s actually ever listened to him.

The whole song is haunting. I would suggest anyone interested google it. But, basically it says...

SO must think I’m a fool or that I don’t understand what’s happening. But, no, I do understand, but you can’t hurt me anymore.

And then...

Every time you treat me this way, the less I get upset anymore
When you leave me for the hundredth time, I recover more quickly
Each time you just leave, the less I care about you
Realization that there’s no hope for the relationship, disappointing, but the fact


I paraphrased the message as I wasn’t sure I could put the actual lyrics here. The lyrics are actually way better and imo absolutely spot on, at least to my feelings.

Depressing, but another example of not being alone. Read the lyrics and if you listen to the song, brace yourself. It always brings me to tears.  :hug:

UBPDHelp,

you are loved and you are lovable.   you are enough just the way you are.   

try and slow down and live only in today for a while.    have you ever seen the just for today meditation used in many 12 step groups?     let me see if I can find it:


my self talk is often negative.   my thinking is often dark.   I have a vicious inner critic.    I work in a business where the job is basically think of the worst possible thing that could happen and make a plan to fix or respond to that.    I have to work to include positive thinking in my day.    I have to exercise those muscles deliberately.   

I use all sorts of tricks and reminders.    Post it notes up on the bedroom mirror.    favorite or inspiring quotes on the refrigerator.    this will sound silly but one of the biggest things I did was hang a flag in my condo's hallway.   the flag was from the human rights commission.   the yellow equal sign on the blue background.    every time I walked by it, I touched it and said to myself I am equal to anyone, and I deserve good things.      I did that for months after my relationship ended.

self care.    self care.   self care.    do something good for yourself today.    just for yourself.

This is amazing. You are amazing. I am so proud to “know” you.

Thank goodness for you.

Sadly, it also just highlights how disruptive my H and my relationship is to all our lives.

Regardless, I will work on today. Thank you.

*mod* This thread has reached its maximum length and is now locked. The conversation continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=344645.0