BPDFamily.com

I know there have been a million posts on re-engagement, but I have my own question.  My ex, who is very much BPD, and during the course of our relationship we did the push/pull, break up and make up thing constantly (before I knew about BPD). The longest we went NC during a break up was 10 days.  I began to think it was normal for this to occur in our r/s. She would always, like clockwork, call me promising change, apologizing profusely for her wrongs, etc.  After reading hundreds of these posts, she is definitely a BPD.

I have caught her in numerous lies in just about everything we discussed while I was with her.  I remember saying to her many times, "you can't be honest about anything, can you?". We were never able to "work out" an issue in the r/s, it always got deflected if she was in the wrong, me on the other hand, accepted my part if I was wrong about something.  We always ended up in an argument, with one of us walking out, only to return a few days later, honeymooning again.  I became addicted to the dysfunction and I knew we would always end up in bed. This is how she showed remorse, instead of saying sorry, and admittedly, I overlooked it and loved the power it gave me over her, no matter how temporary.  I have also learned that I was co-dependant in the r/s.

For the second time in 2 years (with her 7 yrs total), I have caught her with someone else after we had our last serious fight (end of June) and subsequent break up.  It was during this time, I told her not to come to my home unexpectedly or call my job looking for me (she has done both during prior separations) which I suspect heavily triggered her abandonment issues.

During this recent period of NC, I have played in my mind how many other men she has been with over the yrs while with me.  Everything she did was a secret, shrouded in deception. She suffered terrible child sexual abuse at the hands of her step father and her natural father is not in her life to this day.  She has expressed in the past how painful both are for her. She definitely acts like a little child emotionally at times and I have felt nothing but pity for her, which is why I spent so much time dealing with her.  I am over 40, she is over 50.  I shake my head thinking about how lost she is so late in her life.  I am a Police Officer so naturally I thought I could rescue and protect her.  I was wrong, nothing worked. 

My question is this... I am wanting her to re-engage me so I can measure what she now says up against what I NOW KNOW about BPD.  I have been almost 3.5 months NC and I am trying to get over her, but at the same time fearful that I will never get the chance to talk to her again.  She has made no attempt to contact me, as I suspect she is feeling shameful for getting caught, or maybe not, from what I have read about BPD's feeling no empathy.

BTW, a few days before I caught her cheating, she left an email saying I did nothing for her or her children during the r/s and I need to change and become a "better person".  This of course is not true and her painting me black.  She has two girls 12 and 16, and I treated them like they were my own, I have no children.

Am I wrong for feeling this way?  I think wanting contact is more of wanting to hurt her with my words the way she has hurt me with her actions. I tell myself (my sibling tells me also) she will be true to form and eventually contact me after some time has passed and she thinks I will forget about her infidelity and let it go.  I have changed my phone number telling myself if/when she shows up it will be because she went out of her way to find me and I will have the power to let her "have it", thus achieving some "get back".  Thoughts please...

"An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind." (Gandhi)

She's already gone. The main thing now is your intent today. If it's to shame someone who has deep problems with shame, to show someone the truth who usually runs from it, to force her to apologize, your actions most likely won't find positive results. If you're looking to blow off steam and frustrations, are there better ways to do so? What could she say or do now that she hasn't already said and done? Would you even be able to believe her?

You probably already have enough facts to make up your mind whether she's good for you to be with or not. If NC's working, keep with it. If it hasn't, keep with it. It will. It's bad that pwBPD have been abused, and that they abuse.

@Myself... I appreciate your response.  I guess I'm just wanting to hurt her the way she has hurt me.  I know two wrongs don't make a right, but I can't help how I feel right now.  If her past behavior indicates her present, she will re-engage.  Thank you again...