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Well,

       decided to accept to break NC to see ex-wife wBPD again for one 30mins coffee discussion, if she accepts to not come for my pension and my retirements funds. Agreed to do so only and only when the divorce is settled and complete. Not too happy about this to be honest but it will save me approx $20,000.

She has leverage and she knows about it. Hopefully she wont try to use it to much.

Anyobdy else here did something similar ? made some concession to save money ? Or for the sake of their children ?

Do not have any alcohol. I've heard of people getting convinced to meet with the x and then having wine with dinner. After dinner the x calls the cops and says there is a drunk driver and they get pulled over for a dui.

What I've found with our pwBPD is that anything agreed to changes per her current mood state, so I wouldn't put too much stock in anything "agreed to" until it is signed, sealed, and delivered.

Exactly what I witnessed too with my ex. She came back on her decision of not going for my pension a few times. This is why I am a bit wary.

However, she is in a good mood now because her and my replacement are buying a new house. I want to get it done while her good mood lasts.

Keep in mind if you don't come to an agreement at this meeting she will most likely use this tactic again to rope you back into contact with her.

Be aware of her using your desire for resolution of your retirement as leverage for some emotional blackmail.

I know this could save you a lot of money but do you think she is capable of agreeing to something and sticking to it?  Everyone is different but my SO went to mediation with his uBPDxw and they came to some agreements and the very next day she was back peddling.

Good luck,

Panda39

Yeah I am wary of what will happen if her mood changes. She is buying a new house with my replacement, he's a doctor apparently and he is everything she ever wanted. I will pray to all the gods out there (and I'm an Atheist) that they stay together long enough for the divorce to go through. She has being doing lots of therapy too apparently and her therapist (from what she told me) as been telling her to move on and let me live my life.

Anyway we will see... .I'll update you guys on what happens !

Do you know what she wants to get out of the discussion?

Something I learned to do over the course of my divorce was to say, "I want to think this over before I agree to anything." There are some good phrases that work as brakes. With my ex, I had to repeat specific phrases over and over and over and over again. A couple of other favorites: "No" and "Stop."  :)

What leverage does she have?

To make this quick, we both have a pension and investements funds. If we were to split things up, I would owe her about $16,000 (the delta between half of my stuff minus half of her stuff)

my initial intention was to file for divorce via my lawyer with conditions as we are discussing right now (no reclamations). This was gonna cost me a good $3000 at least in lawyers fee if she did'nt fight back.

Then recently she sent me an e-mail saying that she didnt want anything to do with my money. That she was happy with her new guy (he seems loaded as they are buying a big new expansive $800k house) and wanted the same for me. We had a quick chat and agreed  that we would file the paperwork ourselves. (she is more detail oriented than me so she will file the paperwork and I will have it checked by my lawyer before I sign anything)

So yeah she has about $16-20K leverage on me. Which seems not much but I am already $40K in debt (out of which $20k is for our wedding HAHAHAHHA! )

Only thing she asked for was for a 30 mins chat. To which I agreed once and only once all the paperwork is signed and the divorce is settled. I am hoping (... .) that all she wants is closure. Which I"ll give her. Then walk away. And go find another job in the Arctic or Antartica where I hope she will leave me the F! alone.