BPDFamily.com

Last night BPDw came in the bedroom and started crying. Said she knows we are getting a divorce, knows she has hurt me, and it is all her fault. Said she wants to be the woman she used to be, but the woman she is now will not allow it. I held her and calmed her down.

She then perked up and started talking about when the kids were little and how that was the happiest time of her life. She was a stay at home mom with a toddler and a baby. She made dinner and had it on the table for her hard working husband and was so content.

Like someone had thrown a light switch, she suddenly started talking about how mad she was because of something that happened Christmas day (unbelievably insignificant, will not get into details). Became furious and stormed out in an absolute rage.

Five minutes later she came back in to ask me a question and acted like nothing had happened.

This morning, she could not go to work. Crying, depressed, cannot understand what is wrong with her.

Admitted she puts on an act for her P and does not tell her what is truly going on. She cannot wait to call her P when the office opens. Is going to tell P everything and ask for help finding a T or referral to a partial in-patient program. Asked me to listen in so she cannot back out, which I am going to do.

Hated to watch my wife go through this, but glad it is enough to make her realize she needs much more help than she thinks.         

Hi cole,

The insight from your wife is great, it will be even better for her if she is able to follow this through and access increased treatment options. How likely is this ?

What's sad though is the rapid cycling moods, for me it is awful to watch and for our SO's it is definitely so much worse.

Sometimes I find it heart breaking, when my h was really unwell last year I found it almost unbearable to be around him, I could feel his pain coming off him in waves  :'(

My h reminisces also  about our lives when our s6 was little, I am sure he, as your wife does recognises when they were coping better with life, and they must want that again.

My h doesn't very often have moments of real insight into his illness but when he does I try and use them as an opportunity to talk about the issues he is raising and how we can improve things together.   

Think about the lessons... .what do you think you avoided doing here... .that probably had a big effect on letting her calm down.  Hint... .if you had of done this... it would be like pouring gas on a fire.


What do you think you could have done here to "keep the momentum going"?


Again... back to theory questions.  It sounds like you did well with this.  I'm very interested in making sure tha tyou understand the theory of what you accomplished... .and how you accomplished it. 

Once you make that link... .I believe you will feel more in control of your r/s.


I'll be interested to hear how this went.  What is your plan if she tries to back out?

I let her vent, but did not dispute what she was saying. I set a date I plan to file if she does not take the necessary steps to improve her mental health and our r/s, so divorce is definitely not being ruled out.




Not much, she switched in a matter of seconds.


Let her vent and storm off. No use trying to rationalize with the irrational.


I asked her earlier if she still planned to call the P. She got pretty snippy and said, "No, I plan to continue to screw up my life." She did call and left a message with the office to schedule an appointment.

If she does not follow through? Simply remind her that getting more professional help is one of the things I expect if she wants me to hold off filing for divorce June 1st...

 

Cole,

Read up on validation and invalidation.

In fact... look over the lessons again... .

Then see if you can give more "theory based" answers here.

Very important to get a good foundational knowledge of the "order to the disorder"... .it will really help you and your r/s

FF, I get what you are saying. I used validation all along the way, something I learned on this site.

Also, I did not justify, argue, defend or explain my position on setting a divorce filing date if she does not follow through with getting help.

Did not have a chance to validate her feelings when she went off, she stomped out before I could get a word in. I think she recognized she was raging over something insignificant and decided to remove herself. She has told me in the past how embarrassed she is almost immediately after acting like this.  

Her recent acceptance of the problems she is causing has a lot to do with her understanding the boundaries I set as terms of remaining married and the knowledge that I am quite serious about it.    

It is hard on us, but hell for them. Definitely something that is difficult to remember when they are raging at us and pushing every button they can. But still, we must remember that. 

 


The theory I was trying to get you to answer... .was that you avoided "invalidating" her feelings. 

It's good that you also tried to validate.

For you and everyone reading... .more important to avoid invalidation.  If you can also find ways to validate... .that will do wonders.

One "invalidation" can undo the good of multiple "validations"... .so if time and energy don't allow both.  Avoid invalidation and move along.

Yep, get what you are saying. Even if you cannot validate, at least do no harm.

 

We have a winner... you get it.  Keep up the good work!   |iiii