BPDFamily.com

So another couple of weeks goes by and nothing has changed.

My ex got back in contact with me again a month ago now, with the understanding that I was not interested in friendship but that I would be open to something romantic. She said she wanted to explore that too.

We met up a couple of days after contact had resumed and things got physical,  all was well or so I thought.

Right after that began the push cycle again, nothing overt but she suddenly was "busy" a lot,  texting tapered off quite a bit.

Then just over a weak ago in a moment of realness she admitted to me she is sabotaging the relationship but doesn't know why because it is what she wants.

I've just remained calm and acted unphased and understanding.  But it's getting to me.

We are at the stage now where my texts get responded to several hours later,  but if I don't text her for a day she will still initiate small talk. She wants to meet for lunch but it's impactical due to work schedules.  Any attempt to make an evening date is deflected. We live 5 minutes away from each other but don't see each other.

I have tried to set up weekend or evening stuff because I feel like we need to get back to having fun but as I say it gets blocked outright with various excuses.

I feel like giving up tbh, I mean I was happy when she admitted she was stalling things because I thought it'd lead to honest dialogue but that didn't happen. Since then she has twice texted me to tell me she's feeling very down,  But won't really talk about it and quickly exits the conversation. I do consider this slight progress as she's at least revealing those feelings to me.

Any advice or ideas?

So... I'm thinking this is the answer... .

What strategies can you build around this.?

Excellent job being nonchalant about things... .!   |iiii

What can you do to feel that way more "to yourself".

It will be... what it will be... .   

FF

Do you think i should pull back more, be less invested?

It's a tricky situation because everything i've learned says walk away from this situation and find someone without BPD, and that's certainly an option at this stage. I do have a genuine love for her though so i want to give her a genuine chance but there isn't much you can do in this sort of situation.

I dunno, "playing games" with someone you love like waiting ages to text them back etc just feels redundant to me, surely you should be able to be genuine

I don't visit these boards often but come on dude, really, if it were me in your shoes I would have told her to get her self together a long time ago and left.

Oh cool man, thanks for that, don't know why i didn't think of that before, it's all so simple

What very strange advice;  to say " Get yourself together" to a person with BPD. or to anyone suffering as we all are. Inferno, you know in your heart where this is all going as do all of us who are going through it. You have made a choice to be where you are and fair play to you. Most of us have tried to work through things out of love and compassion and if you want to keep trying then good for you. If in the end you can't deal with it then this is the very best place for help and support (usually) ! Good luck to you   x

I try not to assign it to the "doomed to failure" category.

It requires tremendous effort to achieve tremendous results, i can't say if i'll be succesful or not but i give it my best shot, that's all any of us can do right.

This is important. If you don't change and/or she doesn't change, things will stay the same.

You can only control your part of the equation, though :thought:


Good job for not accepting "let's just be friends"  |iiii

The thing I recall from your other thread is that she pushes away and then she comes back, wants to meet and you go along (you meet on her terms). Is this correct?

If yes, then this dynamic is being reinforced as the cycle repeats.

So what could you change here? 




Of course all was well. That moment there |iiii




She got triggered by something and pushed away.

If it came from you, then you can learn to identify those triggering words, gestures, conversations, etc and control them.

If it's her stuff, then don't take it personally. She has to learn to deal with it, you can't control it.


 

This is very BPD. My BPDgf says it feels like being possessed, very hard to control. When things are great she feels very uncomfortable, so to return to "normal", self sabotaging is the way to go. Chaos feels familiar

 


 

Yes, staying centered is the best you can do for yourself and for the r/s. It's normal if it gets to you, though. We all have moments of weakness. Accept it and be kind to yourself. BPD is a serious mental illness.


I agree with FF. You can implement change here (strategies).


I understand |iiii

But she is not ready for that (yet).


I hear you, it feels like giving up.

Seems like she wants to open up to you but then hides again.


This is the staying board and my advice to you is to lower your expectations, take it sloow and start changing strategies so bad habits don't get reinforced (it's difficult, I know). Last but not least, build yourself with patience and stay centered :)

mw