BPDFamily.com

 https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

i read this and it just made my stomach turn with a reality check. I want to know tho, what about if your partner keeps doing the same thing over and over to cause this... .ie/ starts a family with you and yet is still rarely ever around which enhances the sense of abandonment and so much time passes thinking about needing help with the kids and reconnecting as a couple and i wait patiently but he doesn't acknowledge my sadness because he is never around and then i get angry after i have waited long enough for some family time. how am i the bad person because i have BPD traits when others aren't helping the situation at all?

this article seems to be such an attack on the BPD person and I'm not sure i can find any sources to support both sides not just one side.

side note im not diagnosed BPD rather with anxiety/depression which upon learning more about BPD i realize that i have not been correctly diagnosed or treated hence why my issue with my emotions has not ever improved.

Thank you for the post. I believe that I have often learned a lot about myself through my relationships with others, if I have taken the time to reflect on and evaluate my own thoughts, emotions, and actions in the relationships, and my relationship with my uBPDgf is no exception -- lots of reality checks for me along the way.

On the Staying Board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0), reflecting on and committing to better manage our own contributions to conflict in the relationship is a recommended first step (https://bpdfamily.org/2010/09/video-tools-to-reduce-conflict-with.html). 

*welcome*

Hi canadianmama!

One of the things that I find helpful is to not worry about who is or isn't BPD and who does or doesn't have BPD traits. I think most of the people that post here have something going on. I can see myself in some of the BPD traits but I can also see my husband in some of them as well. I try not to worry about "Who has BPD?" and instead focus on looking at the tools that are available. Even if nobody has BPD traits, the tools are wonderful. I can use some of the validation techniques with my kids and coworkers. I have used some of the surviving disrespect tools in situations that are normal. The stuff that I have read here has been wonderful. The staying board is a nice safe place to talk about the relationship without worrying about somebody coming along and telling you that you are crazy for staying. The moderators are really great about keeping this place safe like that.

If your partner keeps doing the same thing over and over, then at some point, it will be necessary to accept that this is the way he/she is or find better/different ways of communicating. Or, work at setting boundaries if the behavior is something that harms you.

You are not the bad person here. I don't think anybody is bad because they do or don't have BPD traits. I think everybody has a little bit of it in them. The things that you want sound very reasonable.