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My SO and I bought a house and today is moving day.  His kids do not like me.  His daughter tolerates me.  I've never met his son.  His son has two small children.  We left to get a load to move, and when I got back, both of his kids, and his two grandkids were camped out in my new house on moving day.  Brought toys for the kids to play with all day.  Brought food and drinks.  Put them in my fridge.  The youngest one is two, and we are trying to move.  I know this is a blatant move to mark their territory. But it is MY territory.  My house too.  And moving day is not the day to bring young children over to play.  I am livid and I don't know what to do.  I texted my SO and told him moving day is not the place for children to play.  You need to kindly ask them to take the kids home.  No response yet.  I need some guidance.  I want to be one big happy family, and this is a step towards that.  But why cant' I have my moving day to myself?  Why did they need to bring kids for crying out loud?  He's out there trying to carry boxes in one hand, carrying the baby in another.  I"m just livid right now. 

 

Own you feelings, you are livid.  They are your feelings. 

I think most people would feel this way.  I believe I would.   

You did a great job to text and ask them to leave, vice making a demand.  If you did make a demand, please correct that.

Next, think about boundaries.  It's not your house, it's not his house, the house belongs to both.  Compromise is in order.

He showed disrespect by not asking or informing you ahead of time.  Remember to show respect as you try to solve the problem.

Don't make it bigger than it is.  Perhaps, with moving, he had tons on his mind.  I be you do.  Perhaps he doesn't know about this.

This is a problem to be solved, but don't make it bigger than it is.

Hang in there, moving sucks.

I'll be checking in for most of the day, so post follow up questions.

FF

You are NOT responsible for others feelings, especially if YOU are making emotionally healthy decisions.

Please don't allocate any further brain space and/or power to worrying or thinking about who does and doesn't like you. 

Do you like you?  Does your SO?  (my guess is that he does, since you have a house together)

Let the rest of the world go!

Forget thinking about others motivations.  They may NOT be marking territory.  It may not be about you at all.  They may be part of a clueless effort to support and love you. 

Be clear about your needs and wants.  Communicate that to you SO.  Be ready for him to say NO to some of them.  Focus on finding compromise.  He has needs and wants as well.

This is hard stuff, it may not seem fair, but YOU have the power to make healthy r/s decisions.  Make them.

FF

HEY DAPH:

I read your earlier post.  I'm sorry you didn't come back to pursue further dialog about your post there.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=294730.msg12770630#msg12770630

A couple of members gave you some advice about boundaries in your prior post.  Here are a couple of links to check out, so you can read about boundaries:

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

This link leads to discussion thread on boundaries (there are approx. 7 pages of discussion)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

Are both you and your SO on title to the new home (Tenancy in Common/you own 50%)?

Boundaries are important to us all.  The situation with an SO can be a little different from a situation with a spouse. 

In the distant past, I invested in a house with a friend.  We had lots of boundary issues.  Some people fail to acknowledge that they should confer with the co-owner before taking actions that have some effect on the other co-owner.

I learned the hard way that it is best to talk through boundary issues before you enter into a co-ownership situation.  I encountered several unacceptable situations and learned my lesson the hard way.

You sound very angry.  Do you have any coping skills that you have used in the past to help calm you down. 

HI all.  I had moved and had no service to read posts, or respond.  I just saw them all this morning.  I have to do some reading up on how to handle this relationship.  I haven't been able to do that since the two issues I've had.  I was actively seeking help so I would not make the matter worse. 

I did vocalize that I didn't appreciate everyone being in my home without anyone's consent.  They just walked right in and made themselves at home.  One, they are his kids, and as such will be welcome any time.  He has the type of walk in whenever family.  I do not.  I like to be notified if people are in my home.  I don't like walk ins, as this is a fairly new relationship, and they could very well find us in various states.   I was appalled there were people in my home without anyone being there.  This is my issue.  Not his.  And he shut me right down letting me know, people are welcome anytime.  Home or not.  There is no compromising in this area. 

Do you have to accept this?  Can he "shut you down"?

What if you say no?

FF

When I say there is no compromising, I mean it.  I did attempt to talk out the previous days events saying I like my personal space and have boundaries.  He simply said I'm glad they came it brightened my day.  IT was a big thing for me, having them finally show interest in my new life.  He would not entertain my issue of personal boundaries at all.  Just spoke how he felt, and expected me to agree.  I just said I can't talk to  you about this, and dropped it.  Its how I feel.  I can't talk to him.  He shuts down any opposition immediately. 

 

Well, that's who he is. 

He has given you the clear choice and clear communication that this is how life is with him.  You can accept that, or you can take action to protect your boundaries and self worth.

You have time to consider this and you have time to try other tools to help make the r/s more tolerable. 

But, do you see any other possible course of action?

FF

I made an appointment for therapy, but after another round of righteous indignation, I'm not sure I'll even make it to the five days until the appointment.  I am sullen, unhappy, and defeated.  Today we played another round of "how dare you" 

So turns out, there is no internet service where we live.  It's important to me and my children.  Last night, my SO said you and my daughter killed the data on the plan this month. She used 7,500 mb and you used 5, 500.  So once we realized there was no internet, I tried to find a dial up provider.  He countered with his plan, which was to use a booster for our cell phones, do everything we need on the phones.  Also part of his plan - to replace the router where I work to wireless.  I said I don't understand how the booster works, and two, you cannot just replace equipment where I work to suit our needs.  (so I don't use his data at work)  He said its not suiting my needs at all. It's to suit yours.  And he added I don't appreciate the insinuation it was to help me personally.  I said it does benefit you.  He said no it doesn't.  I said it will keep your data low.  He said it will be low with the new plan I have anyway.  I said if it goes over, it affects you with a higher bill.  No it won't with my new plan. So he kept insisting his new plan only benefits me.  Over and over. 

Secondly I said me and your daughter can cut back our data usage.  Then all hell broke loose.  Cause why state the obvious?  Then it went from I won't ask my daughter to use less because she shouldn't be punished for me moving in with you, to - You seem to think I need to choose you over my kids.  wth?  Overly dramamtic conversation ensued.  I kept talking calmly, rationally, and factually.  He read into every little statement I made.  With gusto.  I honestly don't know much about technology. He knows that.  But somehow I was supposed to figure out his plan is to use ONLY cell phones for internet usage, on his hot spot on his data plan.  That my children would have to use it too for homework.  And that would take away from what his daughter gets to use.  I had no idea his plan entailed my kids using his data plan.  But he thought not only that I did, but that i was maliciously trying to take something away from his daughter in the process.  I finally convinced him that was not the case.  He apologized for not conveying the message properly.  But the shrapnel from his words will stay with me. 

He also wanted to talk about saturday with his kids showing up again.  I told him that truth.  I told him I came home, and they were there, in my home, unannounced, and IGNORED ME AND MY CHILDREN the entire time.  I said they didn't speak one word to me.  I introduced them to my children.  Again, not one word.  I said I tried to open conversation.  Not one word.  I said I was carrying in boxes and your son stood there and watched us do it.  Your kids were disrespectful to me in my home.  He just said I'm sorry that happened.  I told him I don't expect you to choose me over your children, but I do expect to be respected in my own household. 

After that chat, he feels we cleared everything up.  No, we didn't really.  You never assured me you would expect your children to respect me in my home.  You may be working on the internet problem, with me not using your data until you do.  (I'm getting slighted by thats ok, not to mention isolated from the world)  We didn't resolve anything.  Two hours worth of back and forth over things that were not issues with me.  But he saw an issue that he himself created.  I even said please don't make an issue out of something when there isn't one there.  He continued on his path of righteous indignation of how he was wronged.  I did literally nothing for him to see it that way.  I'm at a complete loss right now.  He doesn't understand why I'm still sullen and moody.  I just have no reason to smile after all that.  None. 

Also I don't know what r/s is?  LOL 

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