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I'm one week no contact and I feel like screaming! Especially because I'm surprised she hasn't tried to contact me. My only thought is that she knows I'm out in San Diego and all her efforts of trying to bring me down have failed. Still hurts either way. I miss her. Even if she isn't very nice. I can't help but feel I'd be enjoying the beach more with her by my side.

Oh Zen I almost have to laugh.  I get it.  I wish I was the one who had decided "no contact" instead of him.  More power in that I guess.  But then of course I'd be wishing he would try to contact me anyway.  I don't want the relationship (or at least know I can't have the relationship) but I want him to want it.  How f'ed up and immature is that? 

Please try to enjoy the beach.  Please don't let your entire experience be dictated by her.  Remember all her efforts to bring you down have failed.  You're still up.  You're still standing.  Try to "let go" enough that you can find some joy in the moment. 

zen -- I'm sorry you're struggling, and I hope you understand this is normal.  In detaching, I've thought of it in various ways:

1. "Withdrawal"  -- I missed the connection.  The emotional and physical connection.  Even though I knew, intellectually, we rode a roller coaster.   But, when things were good, I was as connected to her more than I connected to any other human being [Footnote:  I no longer think this was healthy on my part and I've been working through it to recognize the importance of a differentiated self].

2. "Software glitch" -- Sometimes I think that I re-coded my brain in the relationship.  Like I got stuck on a loop where everything came back to her.   I know I ruminated for months and months trying to "figure" out what happened.  I have been turning my mind in new directions lately -- re-coding.

3. "Self-imposed Prison" -- I have cited this before, but I saw a zen cartoon once where a monk is clinging to bars of a jail cell, while the door is wide open behind him.   I think of that often, and picture myself leaving the cell.

Enjoy southern CA as much as you can.  You're doing the hard work.

I'm trying to. It's just so difficult. Every moment i experience I think it will be better with her. Or that if I think of something I want to text her. And the worst thing is that whenever I meet a new girl I'm just reminded that its not her. And it makes me miss my ex even more.

We are all winging it, my friend.   We are all writing new scripts. 

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

What we need is within us, not outside.

It just sucks because I haven't heard from her at all. And last Mother's Day was one of our last times together as an actual couple.