BPDFamily.com

This is probably going to be a lot to unload and I'm not exactly sure what I want — maybe just sympathy.

A few weeks ago, my wife (who suffers from BPD) said she didn't think she could get everything she needed in a relationship from me and wanted to open it up to seeing other women (I'm a man — he/him/his). She's not comfortable with me seeing other people and also feels guilty for not being comfortable with it, but she's working on getting over this with a very good therapist that she seems to mesh really well with. In the meantime (or indefinitely into the future), I'm fine with the relationship only being open for her to see other women. Literally zero problem with it, emotionally or otherwise, and, in fact, it's exciting for me because it's improved her mood a lot and had a really positive effect on our sex life. And I like the idea of her getting to explore her bisexuality.

But then a kind of weird thing happened. She told me that actually she might want to see other men, too. This makes me uncomfortable and I can't give a good reason why, but sometimes emotions don't have good reasons. At any rate, I told her it made me uncomfortable and she told me to get over it.

On top of that, a guy just started living with us to get away from an abusive situation that he was dealing with. I like the guy a lot.

I've seen my wife and him getting very touchy around the house and they're spending a lot of time together behind a closed door.

I don't know for sure that anything is happening, but I strongly suspect that it is.

And I really want to be okay with it because I like seeing my wife happy. But it's brought out feelings of jealousy in me that I didn't realize I had and making me feel really bad about myself. When she asks about it, I tell her it's work that's stressing me out (which is also true) because if I tell her the full truth, I'm pretty sure she'll take it the wrong way.

And I can't emphasize enough that I want to be okay with this. She isn't my property and I want her to be happy and I don't want to be telling her not to do something that she's enjoying (and also I don't know for sure what's going on — I could just be overreacting). Also, separate issue, since he's been around, my wife and I haven't been intimate at all. This is how it usually goes when we have a houseguest — because of the way our house is set up, it's very difficult for us to get privacy.

And I'm feeling very crazy. Part of me wishes she would just say that I can see other people, too, but (a) I don't have the time, (b) we don't have the money, (c) I'm not interested in anybody else, and (d) I'm very bad at dating (VERY bad). She has said that she's fine with me seeing other men, but I'm completely straight and don't have any interest in experimenting.

I know that most other husbands would not be okay with this kind of situation. She knows this, too, and I think that's part of what she loves about me — I want her to be free to do whatever she wants.

I don't want to be jealous. I want her to be happy. And I want to feel loved. And I don't want to hold her back from doing things that she wants to do.

I'm sure there's even more to unpack here than I realize, but any thoughts, suggestions, or sympathies would be appreciated.

Thank you!  :)

I think it's clear that you're not okay with her seeing other men and that's fine. It's not something you can just get over. You seem like someone with a lot of empathy. But, that cannot really override everything else and succumbing to only your wife's needs will make you resentful and unhappy. So, I suggest you be honest with yourself about your gut feeling about what you're okay with and what you're not, and set those boundaries.