BPDFamily.com

Hi, let's get started.. me and my partner have been dating for a couple years now. It was wonderful in the beginning, we met over the internet and shared an interest of text based roleplay, creating fantastical worlds of self insert and such. I'm aware our relationship is quite... far from the normal kind so please bare with me. I'll try to explain the best I can. So, when we first met, both of our lives were.. awful. We were both depressed and unmedicated. I'm medicated now but she still isn't, she can't afford it. It's been a long distance relationship for a while, but we did manage to live a year together sharing a room in my parents house. That was a wonderful year, but it still had its bad times.. bad times being I couldn't be left alone, she always wanted to hang off my arm or be near me or roleplay, or just anything for that happy chemical. Which I can understand, I want to be happy too but I was actually just satisfied being with her, I didn't feel the need to roleplay anymore because it was my escape. Now I didn't have a need to escape because she was here. But she still wanted to, wanted to create worlds, play out messy and sad conflict, and especially kidnapping fantasies that I just wasn't comfortable with. I'm not going to blame her of manipulating me, I've known her for long enough that if she thinks she's being manipulative she'll self destruct and isolate. I tend to do the same. So whenever I told her I didn't really want to roleplay anymore it made her upset. I don't want to make her upset, I love her, still do, I'm just scared of what's happen if I make her too upset.. she's already attempted suicide twice before we started living together and that was a nightmare. Not to mention the self harm she's done, that I just wish I could prevent in any possible way. Now- she's living with her own parents and im living at home with mine. She got kicked out of my place for not paying rent because she can't manage her money well. (Niether can I). I guess we're kind of a perfect match in the worst of ways, huh... We're planning to get an apartment together in a couple of months and it's all banking on me landing this new job. That's a lot of pressure. And she knows that, but I know she didn't put me in this intentionally. It's situational. Though I guess I do defend her a lot. Anyways, she's.. she's been stressed out a lot recently because every day we're kind of just waiting to hear back from the job because we don't have any other options. And she... has said she doesn't think she'll last if I can't secure us this apartment. I feel like my life would be easier without her but a breakup would mean that she'd probably kill herself and that would be on my shoulders. I can't lose anyone else. I'm scared of mentioning how i feel to her or she'll lose it and I'll have to spend another two weeks hanging on every phone call hoping it's her from the psych ward. We communicate.. sometimes. Though I tend to withhold the more heavy stuff. Just mentioning things that bother me rather than severely distress me. Neither of us have any friends besides eachother. Maybe we're destined to be messes together I don't know. I kind of just hope I can find some sort of solace on this board. Sympathy maybe. Everything just looks so hopeless if I screw up which I've had a history of doing. I'm so tired of being her only support. I haven't had friends in years. She takes a lot of my time and exhausts me. Maybe I should mention how much I love her so folks don't tell me just to break it off already. This is a low moment. In a high moment I'd be boasting about how her laugh sends me skyrocketing into the heavens, how we know exactly what the other is thinking and how we fall asleep on the phone together every night. How we hype eachother up to do things depression might stop us from doing. I love her, so much. And i hate to see her hurting. But I hate hurting too, and I don't know how to tell her it hurts without shattering her world like glass.

You are obviously under a lot of pressure and stress. I’m in the middle of some similar things as you, but with more support. How can you find more support for yourself? How do you manage your stress? Does she have a safety plan for suicide? Are there other new activities you are interested in that you could offer to try with her? I’m not checking in here all the time, but I’ll be checking back for you.