BPDFamily.com

My pwBPD has recently admitted that none of the reasons she's given for splitting me black--that I am delusional, a parasitic loser, insane(in bad way... . she says that she knows that she, too, is insane, but in a good way), an abuser who she fears will break into her house and kill her, etc.--have any objective truth or can be justified by evidence/facts... . this is just how she feels/experiences me. She seems to think this is perfectly normal and healthy. I'm not sure how to respond to this. I always try to validate her feelings by telling her that there are no "wrong" feelings--feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are--but if she already realizes they are not based on facts and are just feelings, and the some of the statements she's making are delusional, how do I handle this situation?

There's a very clear pattern to this behavior that I would like for her to see, but i don't know how to point it out without making her feel judged... . because this will only make her more defensive. She has told me several times that she can't hide from me because I know how her mind works and I understand her. I asked her how that made her feel and she said "good, scared, shaky, sad, relieved". She knows that I love her very much and accept her-all of her(i think this scares her more than anything). But every time she starts to open to me and engage in a real way, the wall goes up (she admits this is true) and then I'm the devil. Her latest excuse for this is that God told her to stay away from me when we first met last year(because I am a destructive, negative influence and I will harm her) but she didn't listen and God is telling her the same thing now.

Do any of you have any insight or advice for me?

Yes. When she starts the name calling, insults... immediately end the conversation and go do something else. This is a personal boundry for you.

A healthy response to her attacks is to leave when she does them.

"Ok, I am going to go do something else ( whatever you want) and will talk to you later."

I might be a little hardline today due to my own situation, but I wouldn't even bother validating her on this, particularly since she already said she knows she is spouting BS.

Spacedog, my UBPDso has told me that same thing. He KNOWS the nonsense he rages at me is just that ... . nonsense. So I asked him, "Then why do that? Why waste our time together fighting over something which isn't true or hasn't even happened". He has also admitted to me that he is unnecessarily harsh (harsh being an understatement). He can't explain why.

Now when he does this, I don't listen. I actually let him know I'm not listening. He'll scream at me, "You don't listen. You interrupt". That's true. And my response will be "That's correct. I'm not going to listen to you rage at me over nonsense and shout at me things which are only designed to hurt me." And I leave the room. This seems to be having an effect.

Having said this, there are times when, darn it, his criticism of me is spot on. Sometimes he has a point and these are clues for me to learn. I will listen to that type of criticism (as harsh as it may be) and I will later acknowledge that he had a point and I will show him my willingness to improve on that particular issue.

It is a very slippery slope trying to navigate what a BPD actually really truly feels, but one thing I do know ... . despite it all, mine loves me and we are making progress utilizing the tools, lessons and support I've gotten here in this forum.

Hi Spacedog,


sadly the pwBPD has no control when dysregulated so what comes out of their mouth is not always rational. An understanding of the problem will not help them avoiding it. The solution is learning how not to get dysregulated and the clinically proven best path towards that goal is DBT therapy. Insight in the delusional thinking may at one point in time play a small role when the pwBPD will understand twisted thinking. But until that can be tackled without the pwBPD feeling judged and dysregulating from that discussion is a long way. Actually one of the reason a T is better at dealing with this is that the T is not as close and is able to communicate these points at the right time in the right form.

From our vantage point the LESSONS offer the best path forward to handle our side and support the pwBPD handling themselves. The key levers are:

  - avoid invalidation. That accounts for most of the triggers we can and should avoid.

  - validate. In a healthy relationship there is a ratio of 5:1 of validating to invalidating exchanges. Apply validation liberally. Especially be not afraid to validate negative emotions.

  - boundaries. Protect yourself from abuse and restore respect in the relationship.

  - self care. This is a long distance race and a lot here on the board start with a heat stroke and dehydrated. We need to be strong and have to come first.

I have had many conversations with my husband about his made up beliefs of me cheating on him. In the moment that I am talking to him he can realize that he has mental problems and that he has no basis for his accusations. He truly trusts me in that moment and is very sorry for what he does. He knows in that moment that he is just insecure because of problems from his past. However that doesn't stop him from having the same upsetting thoughts the next day and doing the same dance all over again. I literally have to Validate every day that I love him and I am not going to hurt him, does he know that this is madness, well yes but he still needs it to feel ok. In the heat of the moment I have said this is a fight that we have had over and over again. I understand you don't trust me but this fight is worthless because the issue does not exist. It never helps because his feelings are already telling him something is wrong and to him it is me, never him. So basically while they can have moments of logical clarity it's not going to stop their emotions from taking things over moments later when they are triggered.