BPDFamily.com

Hi Guys,

I do not consider myself fully healed from my relationship & breakup, I still wonder what the hell I was thinking and feel sad that I've lost the dream (for now) of having a wife and children. I'm alone, and whilst I date a little, I'm very self conscious of the fact I participated in such a messed up relationship. I've self isolated to an extreme (moved countries) and am reading lots and looking into my past as these caretaker themes run right from early childhood. The relationship from beginning to end was hugely painful and I'm keen never to repeat. I'm pretty obsessed with this theme right now in my personal life and over*thinking it can cause me more pain. BUT... .

I never consider how my ex may be, I don't check her facebook, I don't enquire with her friends, I have no desire to know if she is OK and I never ponder on what or who she may be seeing or if she is well, happy or sad. And almost from day 1 of the breakup... .I never have! So why am I still here?

I ask this question to try to see how many of us remain here but actually don't think about our exes welfare at all. I hope I'm not the only one! Lets see!

Personally, I do.  I wish my ex was still a part of my life.  I wonder what's she's up to and how she's doing.  I think I'm at the point I've accepted that it's over between us for good.  I guess I'm OK with that, even though if a miracle would happen and she would recover I'd be with her in a second.  I've accepted reality, though.  I still love her.  I want her to be happy and well.  I want her to beat her disorder.  I just can't be a part of that.

I have absolutely no contact with her at all.  She doesn't do social media in any way, we live on opposite ends of a large city, and we have no common friends anymore.  So, we are now living two completely separate lives.  I do wish she was in my life.  I miss her.

Maybe others can give you some feedback on those who prefer to have nothing to do with their ex.  I think it is an intensely personal decision and one without any wrong or right answer.  Interested in what others feel.

My attitude is similar to Cosmonaut's. I don't care what my ex is doing - nor who she's doing. But I do care how she's doing as I love her and want the best for her. Heard this week that she wasn't well physically - and I felt an overwhelming compulsion to look after her.   Back on an even keel now though.  This is so much tougher than it ought to be, but they do burrow their way in deep! 

I made up my mind while in the relationship that if she kicked me out again ( she kicked me out twice before ) that I was done.  I do not care what shes doing or who she is with.  I have not had a problem with no contact and havnet checked up on her on FB.  My 3 year live in relationship turned so abusive and bizarre that I probably have PTSD... .which is why it so helpfull to post and read on these boards.  I still think about it everyday close to 60 days out and miss her kids but I dont care what shes doing and would never think for a second about going back to that hell.

I do unfortunately think about him DAILY and wonder what he is doing and if he is happy with the "thing" he is with... .

Their life is SO 180 from what he had with me.  She is very low class, nude pictures of her all over the internet, she makes fetish videos for sale on EBay.  She tweets her "wish list" of gifts she would like to receive to her fan base and then posts pictures of the stuff strangers buy and send to her.  I cannot process how the person I thought was Soo boy-next-door conservative and the perfect mate for me can be proud and so happy to live this lifestyle he is doing SO publicly.

I feel no love or desire to have him back. Especially now.  I am in the resentment stage.

I don't care how she's doing and won't pretend to wish her the best. I will be delighted by any bad news and bad luck that comes her way and i've got my popcorn ready waiting for the next disaster she's due for.

Last I heard from my ex, she was depressed and on medication for depression. That sounds like a sad thing, as I read it, I know and understand its a sad thing, but I just don't care. However, I am still here. Maybe holding onto anger and too angry to care. Caring for her brought me to the lowest point in my life where I even contemplated suicide, at this point, I have just lost the capacity to feel anything in terms of empathy towards her. I don't wish her ill, I shouldn't like to hear she is unhappy, but knowing nothing suits perfectly and I have 0 desire to know how she is. I haven't inquired into her health despite knowing this. I know the old me would care.

Trog

I think our feelings may be in direct proportion to where our ex is on the BPD spectrum. Mine was quiet and lovely for the most part, but frustratingly would sabotage all of her relationships in time. She hurt and confused me - but there was none of the bats**'t crazy stuff that others on these boards have experienced. If there was I'm pretty sure I wouldn't give a damn about her now either. 

I still don't think I know who I am.  I know who I was, but who I am eludes me.  Today I had a great feeling with my son. We talked business and it all made sense.  When I was with the ex, she never believed in me.  I was a businessman for at least the prior 17 years before our relationship began, and no one that was involved with me and my ex in her state, believed that I could go into business for myself.  MAN!  Not one of them believed in me.  I was attempting to start my business online (previously had a copy center/sign shop) for the betterment of my new family.  I used to ask her how she would like to spend the rest of her days raising her child with plenty of personal time, and taking care of her flower bed (she always wanted a garden).  I wanted to give her exactly the wonderful things she wanted and dreamed of (choking up thinking about this).  At one point I think she gestured positively to the thought. Never again did she even think about our future together.  So today, one of the best inspirations I have it the "I TOLD YOU SO" inspiration. When I become successful as I had intended too, well, I'll probably have found that woman that wants to be with me and loves me for exactly who and what I am.

Yes I think about what she's doing,  I am sad for her sometimes because she threw so much away by killing our relationship. We had such potential. Sagittarius and Aries are the perfect match.

And by the way, the time I wanted to spend working on my online business was curtailed with aggravation from the BPD issues, problems with her child, problems with her dysfuntional family, disbelief in me, her inability to stand aside me and help me make our dreams come true, problems with her ex, even problems stemming from her job. I was always there for her, at times I drove her to work and waited in the car or area for her to get off work. There were problems everywhere. If I had a good day, it was needed to REST because I was mentally exhausted from her.  Even in the "half dead" state I'm still in now, I've gotten so much done working towards my goal of working online.  It's still in production, but what I did in several months I couldn't do in four years with her. Shame on her for being so selfish. It was all about her. BPD or not.  I feel I'm getting better, somewhat over things a little- but when the rollercoaster comes, and it does, it takes my breath away worse than ever.

Good point! If you've seen my posts you'll know my ex was psychotic and abusive... .perhaps its then totally healthy not to give a monkeys how she is after the crazy I've been through. Thanks, shows how ingrained the caretaker in me is that I'm confused to not care!

I'm indifferent to how they are doing.

Curious but indifferent.

But curious in a way I'm curious of all the people I have known. There are many ex classmates and friends I have lost touch with who I'd be curious to know what happened to them.

Same way I'm curious what's happening to my exes.

As far as why I'm here, I have dated many BPD's and will probably date more so I'm here to learn more about the disorder that I have been around for so long and to give support to others who are going through what I have went through.

Not really. She may be with the replacement, she may be with someone else. She may be happy (as far as is possible for someone with her condition) or she may be utterly miserable. Regardless of what, I know her demise is around the corner. It may be happening as I type, it may happen in ten years but it's coming. Do I care? Well since I'm writing about it, to an extent yes I care. Does the idea of her living, breathing, evolving, loving, crashing and burning and the rest bother me? Not really.

My life is ultimately my life and it's OK. It has nothing to do with her. What she's up to is her problem.

trog, you may care less or even be indifferent as to what shes doing. you may be feeling an increasing need to work on yourself, and im hard pressed to name a better board to do so  |iiii

I generally don't wonder what he is doing throughout the day.  Occasionally, I have noticed my thoughts wander there and as I do I question myself and what my point is for thinking that way.  Usually I can not come up with any helpful reason to indulge in that thinking, therefore I switch thoughts.

My ex is high functioning, only shows N/BPD traits within home environment.  I'm certain had he been more acting out BPD behaviors, I'd think even less about his daily actions.

The reason I'm here is because the b/u of the r/s has caused me to need to talk about my experience in order to heal.  Many folks after a regular b/u like to chat with friends about things, to help themselves process what happened and learn from there. Because of the unique nature of the r/s dynamic... .  I find it uncomfortable talking to anyone who has not been in this type of r/s.  The average person could think I'm crazy or lying as they either misunderstand my account, or think I'm crazy for being with him.  I want to connect here with people I can be honest with, chatting online offers anonymity.  bpdfamily offers people who understand immediately what it is I'm dealing with, we have a mutual language such as "love bombing," "split black," etc. I was sent to this site from another r/s support site, from a gal who recognized that I was dealing with a pwBPD-like traits.  Back at that site, the feedback I was getting was a bit off the mark.  They rarely could relate to my experience and I was becoming frustrated and feeling odd, wondering again: "Is it me? Maybe I'm a bit crazy?" Because I found myself needing to over explain things... .which made me question myself.

Having others not understand what I am going through really sucks! It especially sucks because that is what it often felt like being in that r/s.  I often felt unseen.

According to fb (i don't look anymore) she is doing great friends , holidays , new replacment .

it makes me sick to think of her dating other guys tbh all those lies she told me

i realise now she was never my.partner or her friend i was her supply

but yes i miss and still love her ( i think)

DITTO!

in the early days yeah i did... .but with the help of this board and RA i've learned that it matters to think of yourself and accept that all that was was indeed a sham but i enjoyed it drama and all and life is a tapestry and precious and who knows whats round that there corner

big hugs to all of ya enjoy the journey as we aint getting out alive 

I do not know and I do not care.

Honestly, I think it would set me back 100 miles in 'recovery' if I did know.

I go OUT of my way to make sure I do not "run into him" in public.

I do not look on line for anything to do with him; he is blocked from ALL social media.

I do NOT think he would try to contact me (for any reason), and that is FINE with me! Makes my job easier to avoid him like the Plague until I move out of state.

I don't care what he does, where he does it or who he does it with.

He is a monster, and he is in my past.

I view him in the 'rear view mirror of life"... .small and behind me... .and the more forward progress I make the smaller and further behind me he is... .until he is GONE! :-)

Even though I commented earlier there's still a bunch of things I would like to comment on.

I never gave it much thought, but after speaking to a friend I realized that my ex was very high functioning. Most of what she had revealed itself behind closed doors with me, and obviously she did things from me also until they just outright exploded. Maybe that's what makes moving on and cutting the strings so difficult. Because in many ways she mimicked somebody who was wonderful, and for lack of a better way of putting it, normal. In other ways the red flags popped up which in the very beginning I never saw. Sometimes while you're driving down the highway you need somebody to bring things to your attention several times before you see them. Driving down the BPD highway I don't think is much different.

I think that I am curious and I do wonder what's going on with her because I can't move on. Don't get me wrong I am moving on but I haven't got to the point where everything behind me is nearly meaningless. It seems to be very very difficult to get to that point. I think back on an ex-wife and the thought of her does not upset me at all. Okay well some of the things that she did to me does upset me but thinking back on the loss in the time involved doesn't make me feel angry with myself.

Reading the post from sunflower made me get in the mood to write this. A lot of things that she said, hit the nail on the head. Not wondering what he is doing but observing the fact that we are thinking about it is kind of what I do also. Usually when I get to that realization I become very emotional. I think some of my emotional reaction is because I am so pent up with things and not letting them out like I should. When I cry it really is a river. I also agree with her as far as the audience that we speak to. You could see it in someone's eyes that if they haven't experienced a mental illness or a personality disorder they really can't understand where were coming from. Then once you find somebody who does understand, their eyes get wide open and they listen and actually here what you've gone through. There is much value in this website, or better yet the people that are here on this website. You can't put a price on that value.

Facebook is really a useful tool, but it's a double-edged sword. It's a horrible place to be when you're thinking about what has transpired in your life and who has been with you, because let's face it most of us who had exes have been on Facebook one way or another together or even separate. Facebook seems to be the place to go when there's nothing else to do, maybe just like a babysitter. But there's so much to go wrong in so many bad feelings to rekindle, at least in my life.

trog

My ex is the mother of my children I do try to keep up with her parenting skills which leave alot to be desired.  As for how she is doing I resigned myself awhile back that if she does not seriously change her ways her story is going to have a tragic ending.  She is either going to take her life, or her unhealthy life style is going catch up with her, or she is going to end up in jail with one of her hair brained schemes.  When we were together I gave my all to help her, now I have no emotions left for her.

I remember when I first came here, the 'gift of BPD' (the idea that the BPD is holding a mirror to you and the pain in the learning/suffering about yourself that is forced by being in the relationship forces you to become a better/authentic/whole/happy person) made me want to puke.

All I felt was ripped off. I felt I could have gone a thousand lifetimes and not been unlucky enough to meet such a cruel person. But I really see now, she was the straw that broke the back of my fabricated world. Where I was strong enough to take all problems, where I parented my parents, where it shielded my unwell wife from the worlds troubles, I was great person! And I didn't get anything back but scraps of affection. I didn't even realise anything was wrong!

Well it was dead wrong, I've cheated myself out of so many things and made myself far poorer into the bargain. It's created resentment, it's sacrificed my sense of sense and it's made the lives of those around me no better off because... .


"When you give to others to the degree that you sacrifice yourself, you make the other person a thief." —Iyanla Vanzant, paraphrasing A Course in Miracles.

It's right, this board is the only place where other people can truly understand. None of my friends or family really get it. They just roll their eyes and say 'why didn't you leave' or 'everyone could see it - why couldn't you' but I don't think they truly knew the level of my dysfunction or just how cruel and twisted my relationship was. There isn't much empathy out there, no one believes it, they think you're being dramatic, and I can understand. Who would want to believe there is an illness out there that causes people to hurt their nearest in this way.

I really don't care about her, she's probably "in love" with an another guy. The only things I can think of she's doing now is harming herself and baiting a new guy by playing her games on him. I don't have any feelings for her I don't love her anymore. I have started to date an another girl, she's an angel compared to my ex. She made me realize what kind of loser/evil my ex is. I can't even believe I loved her in fact I don't like and love her. I know it sounds harsh but this is what I think and feel about her.

I decided to move on and I'm very happy she's not a part of my life anymore, I'm really enjoying life now. I really gave up on her and decided to improve my life. She really isn't worth it, if you still think about your ex that means she still controls you. So I'm pretty over her, even if I would meet her someday I would ignore her.


Amen to that  lol

I don't really miss mine. I reminisce, and occasionally think "what if." But knowing that the end was likely inevitable helps me be okay with her being gone.

I don't think of what she's doing. Its better that way. I don't want to know even the smallest detail. It serves no purpose. Sure I love her but its a long dead avenue.

It simply is what it is. In your life one moment, gone the next.

Good way of putting it.  I think my train of thought is:  If you love the person, they remain in your life somehow (which obviously is true), but in this case, I don't want them to remain. Like a conflict of interest?

DL

That's exactly it. Like many by-products of the disorder it defies the way we think 'things should be'. It's almost like we are de-programming ourselves after escaping from a cult! 

I dont know if I care so much as lately I cant stop wondering what she is doing.

So what you are saying is... .you may not care... .BUT you are still ruminating on what she is doing?   Do I understand this correctly?

I feel that:  It's a beautiful day, I'm wasting my time and spinning my wheels thinking about what she may be doing.  Almost like being hooked on a new tv show and you can't wait for the next episode. Only difference is that this show makes you cry and feel crappy, and guilty, and shamed, and lost, and lonely... .etc.

I am having a tremendously IMPOSSIBLE time cutting all the little strings and webs that keep me MENTALLY connected to her. I'm almost afraid to let it all go, but yet I know that is what I really need to do.  Maybe like the fear of trying a new food, or stepping out of a plane skydiving, maybe getting up in front of a group to speak.  I know that once you get past the initial fear, its like: Oh, that wasn't so bad.  But this is different, we are disconnecting from a human being that we love/loved.  I feel like I keep talking myself out of it.  What's wrong with me!

The quote about being addicted to an upsetting TV show is hilarious!

However I think it's actually very apt. Many people are hooked on hote and violence in films and TV and they believe they love this stuff. They don't.

Up until recently I believed I truly loved my wife. However on reflection i didnt. You can't truly love a person who hurts and abuses you. You can be addicted, you can be bringing in your pathology and you may even believe that this is what love looks like. But it really doesn't. This is the good news. Somewhere along the way we learnt that love is hard, love hurts, love... .Punches you in the face even. Love is suffering. No. It really is not. This is our own construct. So for everyone reminiscing about the lost love (and its this feeling of failure and loss that is actually hurting us) maybe it's worth considering whether this was really love at all. Does he BPD truly love? I do not think so. Even married I wasn't special to my wife, I was just one of the few who would tolerate her so she clung into me for reasons of her own pathology.

Consider if you really think it was love, then you won't feel this loss that is the real thing that is stinging us

It was/is Love Trog.  I've gone over this thousands of times in my mind.  I try to trick myself into believing it wasn't ... .but real love floats up to the surface.

In my teens and early 20's, I smoked cigarettes.  I tried MANY TIME to quit.  I was hooked.  I hated smoking, I didn't like it one bit, but was addicted.  Some people I knew LIKED smoking.  I didn't.

Well, I do love my ex. But like losing a parent to death, I also know that I'm going to have to move on.  I know I will keep my love, and that scares me too.  Some of us really loved versus the illusion of love and addiction and mirroring.  I think us real lovers suffer terribly because of it.  There is no control except what we do to ourselves, and just like the death of a loved one, we can't get that back.

Well, I have no right to deny your reality, all I know is my truth. I believed I knew what love was, obviously or I wouldn't have married, but I also know I deserve someone well, who appreciates and values me, who doesn't abuse and manipulate me. I believe she can't do any better and for her, the crazy way she acted was her 'love', but it wasn't good enough for me. My ex was particularly unwell, so it's a story very personal to me as yours is to you.

You're right in that it's easier, especially a year out, for me, (others) who feels it was never 'love' as I understand it to me. If it was, yes, I'd be in turmoil. And while I believed that suffering=love I was in great turmoil.

Well, I have no right to deny your reality, all I know is my truth. I believed I knew what love was, obviously or I wouldn't have married, but I also know I deserve someone well, who appreciates and values me, who doesn't abuse and manipulate me. I believe she can't do any better and for her, the crazy way she acted was her 'love', but it wasn't good enough for me. My ex was particularly unwell, so it's a story very personal to me as yours is to you.

You're right in that it's easier, especially a year out, for me, (others) who feels it was never 'love' as I understand it to me. If it was, yes, I'd be in turmoil. And while I believed that suffering=love I was in great turmoil.

Trog, I guess it boils down to PAIN IS PAIN. We all suffer, we all suffered.  I agree about what you deserve.  I deserve the same and I'll be bold enuff to say WE ALL DO.  I know that when I find that person, my past grief will be lifted.  I can't wait, but I know I'm still gonna be lovin' her.  It's all making us stronger for sure.  I enjoyed being in love with her.  Not only did I love her, I WAS IN LOVE with her.  I cannot say the same for her, but I was excited to see her when she got home and felt that "in love" feeling whenever I was around her.  Even when we were shopping, eg in Walmart, if I walked away and then saw her standing in the isle looking at something, I got that butterfly feeling in my gut, I would always walk over and do a PDA (nothing harsh), and she never resisted unless she was in "her moods".  So I know it hurts that much more. We've all got our stories and if we didn't there would be only one post on this site!  :-)

I hope she is suffering I doubt she is but she deserves it

She knows right from wrong she needs to pay for her nastiness not just to me but to all the guys she has used and the gfs she hurt by cheating with guys with gfs

I hope her father dies soon it will crush her and be the best thing for her the man is an evil influence and is just evil in general . plus her breakdown will cause her to get the treatment she needs and stop wrecking peoples lives .

Wow Dobie.  I gotta say: Do others feel this way but just don't wanna say anything? I know that I get angry, being a human, I can must up some pretty nasty stuff.  Maybe you just have the guts to say it.  I was brought up not to say "certain" things, because it would come back on me.  I mean not that I want anyone to be deceased.  I want my ex to feel how I suffer, yes, but only to know What she has put me thru.  Boy, emotions can make us or break us.  Letting go of all this is so tough.

":)o you care about what your ex is doing day to day?"

No.

Caring about or even knowing what she is up to I don't feel is a healthy thing for me to be doing. No news is the best news.

Dying I'm being geneorous in that wish believe me ... .I gave her every chance time and again to act like a decent human being ... .she just took it as an excuse to behave even worse .

I was not raised to just "forgive and forget" I was raised to act with the dictum of an eye for eye   so by  doing nothing  I have extended her a huge favour .

I am a forgiving person much more than the people who In my family , siblings , coisins , uncles father etc  but to do so  to really forgive requires the other to be contrite she cost me so much so so much .  I don't believe in my xs case she does not have the capacity for remorse she just chooses the darkness like I said in another post

Some c%%%py three line apology and further devaluation  via email after I reached out and tried a hundered times while being a  gentleman in all this is not remorse or an example of being "contrite ."

Her father is just as culpable in how she went out believe me , the man is a cancer .

I've been where You are Dobie and it's just a process, there's not much anyone can say or do to speed it up. There's members of my exes family I really do not like but I don't go so far as to wish them ill but I get the sentiment. The pain you feel will get lighter and god does not pay debts in money. If there's a lesson for her to learn, life will present it to her. Her treatment of you was unkind.

I feel the same as well honestly, it is sad but... .I must tell the truth and shame the devil. When I hear bad news about my ex it makes me smile a litttle. I do care about what he does with my son though.

Honestly I couldn't give a Ratz Butt. I already spent waay too much time waiting for her to get home drunk or from sneaking off somewhere to cheat on me or off getting high somewhere. Whatever she's doing I'm sure it's self serving and destructive. I dont even care who she does the horizontal bop with as i worried about that while we were living together. I'm soo done.

I sometimes think trog she will never learn and  is an avatar of Gods punishment. I was an a%%%e when I was younger to some of my gfs I was never unkind on purpose though esp when I ended things .

I was still a douche though . I also think if it were not for my own anger issues which in this r/s served as a defence against her devaluation , complaining and critisicms . I think  if I had been the really "nice guy" we see on these forums the abuses from that harpy would have been even worse .

Over six years as I matured became less selfish , more giving , less angry , less self centred , more attentive, more thoughtful , kinder , more invested in us  she got worse and worse .

Her father is an abuse pos that is what to her = love and a "real man" when I had a gf when I did not care if she dated other guys , when I was a bully, when I was selfish , depressed and distancing emotionally  and demanding all the things I'm not anymore she was eating out of my hand .

In fact in my r/s before her if u asked my x if I had BPD based on my behaviours I would probably be the diagnosed via the web . I'm not BPD

In fact I was such an assclown I sent her an email six years after we broke up to apologise for my behaviours and to tell her she was the best woman I ever met and that I was glad she got away from me

She replied "you are a psychopath and an ahole"

I was just  an immature , raging , selfish ,angry , anxious , depressed  a%%%e

Its why I'm still 50\50 with my x being pd or just like I was an a@@@e

Thankfully no. Thinking about her would just hold me back. Full focus on myself for now.

Hey Dobie

I'm ashamed, especially after being on the other end of it, how I treated one of my ex girlfriends. Certainly it wasn't anywhere near as bad or painful as I got from my ex but I know I really hurt this woman and she went to therapy because of me. So, I got taught a lesson in love myself. If I met that same girl now I would know far better how to treat her, because of how much my ex hurt me. No one likes to be taught a painful lesson, but the BPD relationship does mean I will treat other women far better and be with her for the right reasons as well as putting myself first instead of last.

This ex went NC on me and she never broke it. I've apologised to her, but I don't know she got it and she does right to steer clear of me after how I treated her. I have truly changed, ive been forced to look at myself, but she can't take that chance which is sad, she was very kind to me, and not disordered! I cheated on her with my exBPD, what a mistakatomaka.

She may well learn Dobie. People (as per me above), get the circumstances where they have the chances to learn the lessons they need to learn. I don't mean that in a karma/god way as much as you will naturally attract opportunities to learn because you haven't been able to handle it/learn the lesson. An example, I attracted this extreme BPD person because I was very unbalanced, an extreme caretaker and she gravitated toward me and me to her, if I hadn't been lacking she would not have been attracted and I'd not have tolerated it. We were perfect for each other, in that we filled one another's dysfunction perfectly. Now I am putting myself first, I'd never date the ex and different women will be attracted to me.

Your ex, unless they learn the lessons to deal with their pathologies will keep repeating the class/lesson until she gets it. BpDs rarely get it thou

"I remember when I first came here, the 'gift of BPD' (the idea that the BPD is holding a mirror to you and the pain in the learning/suffering about yourself that is forced by being in the relationship forces you to become a better/authentic/whole/happy person) made me want to puke."

well look, be kind to yourself. i read a member describe the idea of coming here and hearing the concept of "work on yourself" as similar to having had your baby die and someone telling you to identify your own role in that. i understand that. if one is new to this board, its likely a bad idea to tell them, can be painful for them to hear, can push them away from the board, its not necessarily conducive to healing. its generally a slow process, one that one gets around to as they are ready and comfortable, and thats how it should be. some members show up and paint their ex black, which prompts many members to try to hold up the mirror. sometimes it works, most of the time it doesnt.

like i said, its a process one should perhaps be led to, but ideally ought to reach on their own, when theyre ready.

"Well it was dead wrong, I've cheated myself out of so many things and made myself far poorer into the bargain."

it sounds like a cliche, but "the only one you can change is yourself" is a fact. its a proactive, empowering fact, if you let it be. for any member that arrives here, there are a multitude of reasons that working on yourself, realizing your role, whatever it was, is proactive. do we want to repeat the same mistakes? i assume not.

"It's right, this board is the only place where other people can truly understand. None of my friends or family really get it. They just roll their eyes and say 'why didn't you leave' or 'everyone could see it - why couldn't you' but I don't think they truly knew the level of my dysfunction or just how cruel and twisted my relationship was."

i count myself lucky in the sense that i feel like most of those close to me were understanding, and almost limitless in their patience. that said i dont think any of them have been through a BPD relationship and can understand and empathize on the level of those on this board. you know trog, even now, when i read about say, physically abusive relationships, i cannot relate, but i definitely feel that through my experience (which did not include physical abuse) that i can empathize. so much of it boils down to a: not knowing, not having any idea what youre getting into. long before my BPD relationship i loved psychology. absolutely zero of that prepared me. b: conditioning. these relationships can more or less train you to lose your sense of self. i just hope by this point you understand that these people cant necessarily understand. it can feel invalidating; theyre likely giving the best advice and help that they can. my process also taught me not to expect more than i could out of a person, especially a person i knew i couldnt expect more of. im hardly asking you not to share your experience with your loved ones, just to lower your expectations, and to count yourself lucky that you have the greatest support group in the world 

"Well, I have no right to deny your reality, all I know is my truth. I believed I knew what love was,"

if it helps, this is my reality too. i decided my ex was my first love, that i was in love with her, and vice versa. i feel differently now, and im detached to the point that i think i can see it accurately. the relationship, on both ends didnt and doesnt meet my definition of love. thats okay. for me its not psychological comfort or way of dismissing her, it just is what it is. none of that means members here didnt love their exes or vice versa, or that it wasnt the most loving relationship theyve ever experienced. i also dont dismiss what i experienced or what others experienced as "not real" or "an illusion"; on the contrary, it was very real, it was just not sustainable. and ultimately, to me, real love is sustainable.

There's also the issue for me, not sure of this applies to others, but people around me are generally used to seeing me as strong or the provider. I have been so sane and reasonable and calm with everyone around me that it doesn't fit their model of me that I would fill to see my ex for what she was. However, my parents can see that I treat others far better than myself and this certainly led to my putting up with the relationship for so long

One of the first things my parents told me after I told them how everything had went down, and they saw what it had done to me was: "How can you be this devastated? You're always so positive and good to other people, and you do everything you can to help them... .". They also saw me as a person full of strength, full of boundaries that could not be crossed, and through that be able to provide help and support for my closest. I think I have declared my own issues enough to them now, and they know that I am not as strong as they took me for. One thing that hit me, was when one of my close friends told me: "You always put yourself last to make sure other people are happy and you never ask for anything in return. That's what makes you so wonderful". It took me a while to process that comment, and I realised that this is truly where my problem lies. This is why I am who I am. My mom told me: "I am proud of the son I've raised and that you always care so much for others before yourself". Now I realise, that these two things are very much related, and they have led me to the pain I've experienced in the aftermath of my breakup. Therefore, it is something I will have to deal with, and work on, so I will never be put in this same situation again. This shift of focus on what my ex-BPD has done to me, how much it has hurt, and how much I feel betrayed, has helped me immensely in gaining more insight into my own part in the relationship. There's no justification for the pain that is inflicted by BPD partners, but I must also move forward for me to have a chance to ever be able to love again. That gives me hope, the hope and thought of loving again.

WE GOTTA PUT OURSELVES FIRST FROM NOW ON!  AMEN PEOPLE!

Being on the back burner made us just "leftovers" that could be tossed out with the garbage when we begin to spoil.  I'm thinking of her today, but I finally figured out what the NUMB feeling is.  I thought about her and I do not give a DOO DOO!

(can't speak for tomorrow, you all know that, but I'm trying!)

Well just before this weekend I was doing a lot better, and not always thinking about her at least not as much as I used to. Then I ran onto some music that triggered me a lot. Up to now, the b/u, r/s and the whole BPD interaction was starting to fade away in intensity (nevertheless there were episodes of extreme, excruciating pain almost everyday) but the answer would be yes, I do. I miss her every minute.

i have mixed feelings about putting others first vs putting ourselves first.

putting others first is a religious teaching as well as a value for me. in general, its a quality i dont wish to ever lose.

you have two ends of the spectrum. one is being subservient and a door mat. the other is being a narcissist. theres a whole lot there in the middle. sharing is an example. giving your time. compromising or changing your position all together. psychologically speaking, it benefits us to help others. it doesnt benefit us when it defines our self worth, or when we see others as greater than ourselves, or when we do it out of expectation of something in return.

i think the answer, and the difference, is healthy boundaries.

I agree in part and had also struggled with this concept until I read around a bit and came to a few conclusions.

Basically, I am learning to put myself first and it feels weird and it pushes my boundaries but what this 'putting you first' really means is that, if you are not coming with your cup full, your cup can NOT runneth over in order to serve others. If you are giving and giving and giving, you become bitter and resentful and if you are not full, of self esteem, of love for yourself, the quality of what you have to give is not as great if you were 'full'. Keeping myself in lack to give for others has not worked in 35 years. I don't mean with that, give nothing to charity, keep all for yourself, but I'm talking about treating your body right, being healthy, keeping your soul fed.

For anyone who has ever played the sims, it's a real interesting example for life. If you go to work, or try to get a promotion, or try to get a partner and all your bars are in the red, not looking after yourself, not caring for your body, nutrition, sleep, having hobbies and friends etc you can not go further in the game. For those who don't like to get their life lessons from computer games (ha!) then I guess it equates to Maslows hierarchy of needs.

You gotta come with your cup full, or the quality of what you give is poorer, or the outcome of what you want to exceed - is less likely to happen

i would agree with that completely. i also love the sims  *)

I care from the stand point that I hope he's healthy and happy.  However, what he's doing day to day doesn't interest me. His lifestyle is so very different from mine. We haven't much in common.

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