BPDFamily.com

Hello all.
How do you break/ grow away from that pesky trauma bond?
It's been over 1 year of no contact aside from a small email exchange after I finally, after a number of months and the support of my therapist, got up the courage to respond to his 10 pages of serious untrue  allegations. ( i used the BIFF approach but he still responded with 6 pages of further abuse)
However I still find myself missing him,  feeling sorry for him and longing for "the good old days".. Seriously I despair in myself at the moment.
We were together for 5 years. I ended up with diagnosed PTSD it was that traumatic.
Anyone any thoughts?

I've had EMDR and that massively helped the PTSD.

Thank you xx

Welcome PeaceandHealing,  :hi:

Trauma bonds are hard. We are meant to love and hold someone close to us. We have needs within us, and we yearn for someone to meet those needs. Like you, I have bonded with my husband (for a bit longer than your relationship, but it was a trauma bond nonetheless) for a long time, and it is excruciating to slowly detach and heal from that. On my home board, PSI, we have a discussion going about Detaching (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338932.0[b) that I think you might find helpful in answering your question. There is also a lot of very helpful information here on this board since the focus is detaching. Look near the top of the list of threads and you will see one titled "Lessons: Detaching/Learning."

My husband sounds similar in that when I attempt to answer his repeated questions, he comes back with more lists and pages and arguments to counter what I've responded with, and it leaves me feeling so confused. Now I am beginning to detach and trying to not wade into answering his lists anymore. Like you, I'm trying to focus on healing the trauma.

I'm so glad you have a T to help you through this!

 :hug:
Wools

Dear Wools,
thank you for directing me towards those resources. Most helpful! I especially appreciate the list that details what detachment actually really looks like. It feels hugely validating to read that detachment is removing yourself from an enmeshed relationship where you have already experienced traumatic abuse and wounding from hanging on too long hoping to somehow be able to fix and rescue (words to that effect!)
I know that I couldn't stay with my ex as he was becoming increasingly (very)  verbally abuse, angry, raging, abandoning and dangerous not to mention paranoid, jealous and was actually slipping into psychosis. I'm still waiting for my heart to catch up I think! A good friend of mine describes how you don't feel like yourself initially  after a long journey as you are "waiting for your soul camel to catch up"! This feels similar to that. Having positive, healthy discussion/resources centred on detachment gives me something to focus on, a destination, a target to head for. Most helpful.
Thank you.
Much love and courage to you xx