BPDFamily.com

So, when I first joined here I was still so full of anger and it was clouding my thinking.
I haven't been on in a few weeks as I don't want to be negative and angry... .that isn't me.
I thought it might benefit me if I talked about some of the progress we have been making and some of the positive things.

So, my husband who does have a BPD diognosis had to have another surgery 3 days ago for kidney stone removal. He mentioned that he might possibly need some strong painkillers 3 days before surgery as last time he had this surgery a year ago he was in a fair amount of pain. I could feel my anxiety levels rising rapidly but managed to not comment. For those who do not know he kicked an oxycodone addiction exactly 1 year ago.
Then to my suprice he asked me how I felt about that. I said I felt very cautious but would agree to 24 hours of pain relief ( 3-4 tablets) and that I would keep them and give them if he needed. I braced myself for an onslaught... .it never happened! He even agreed with my suggestion... .anxiety levels rapidly declining.

In the time prior to his surgery he had been focusing on putting a huge greenhouse up for me... .I helped but I was the ' donkey' and can take no credit for it.  He mentioned a few times that he was going to get the whole frame up by the Thursday night. I think this was for 2 reasons... .he had mentioned that doing quite a big project was confidence building for him and I think a part of it is almost a recognition for what he has put me through... .and that it was important he did this for me.

So, surgery day went well... .I turned up in the evening to collect him and he comes waltzing out a very happy crappy. He was pain free and didn't bring pain meds with him. I was pretty proud of him... .I always thought he is going to bring home a few just because ... .

His therapy has been going well and he will be moving into the therapy community soon... .he has to do a talk apparently on what he wants to work on whilst in the TC. He has told me he has prioritised finding work and his relationship with me as the 2 issues he wants to work on.

And we were having a conversation a few days ago. I think we were talking about our weight gain/loss. We both put on a couple of stone over the last 2 years and we have lost 4 stone between us over 5 months with walking. I think I said I couldn't believe how much weight I had put on ( my heaviest ever) and he replied that he could see how that happened to us. Then his next sentence felt like the apology I have been waiting for for 5 years. He said " I ( he) was doped up on meds, staying in bed all day and comfort eating dealing with pain issues) and you (I) had a huge burden of stress put on yourself and didn't know what was happening and having to cope with all that crap"
It just felt like that was complete acknowledgement which he hasn't been able to do before.

He is being more mindful with his driving too.

I'm sure there will be bumps along the way but at the moment I am happy to take this period and say... .yes we are doing ok.

Thank you for listening and I hope it gives some hope to others out there.

Thanks for writing.  I know it's good to see some positive stories out there, and how life CAN get better and be less dramatic.  The BPD is always there, but it's not supposed to be in charge. 

This is great to read, as it's definitely easier to jump on and post about negative experiences.

I'll piggyback on your post to say that things lately with my BPDw (we have been separated and I have been undecided for 6 months now) have been going rather well and, like you, I'm hearing her say and do things that historically haven't been the norm.

One example - Mother's Day has been an unnavigable minefield for my family for as long as I can remember. The kids aren't as mindful and insightful about her needs (predictably so), so inevitably Mother's Days in the past have resulted in some sort of ugly blowup. This year one of our sons was on vacation out of state, the other (our college student) was home. He isn't great at making her feel special on a day like that - he wouldn't naturally think to get a card or make her breakfast or get her a gift or flowers, and I think maybe he didn't do any of those things. In fact, I think she has a rain check to go out to dinner with him. And, miraculously, she didn't pout or blow up or go into victim mode. She didn't question his love for her, or our love for her. I took her out to breakfast and we spent most of the day together and she seemed content. That was really really different.

There are more examples - things have been really pretty good. I still worry about if / when it will go wrong again, but I'm planning on setting some boundaries regarding that, letting her know that if that starts to happen, that I'm going to disengage - and that if that results in other even worse behaviors that I will not tolerate, that she will lose contact with me for a more significant period of time (or maybe that should be when I decide to move forward with the divorce).