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- wife took over $10K in savings.

- left paying all of the bills

- left me payign all of the debts

- she's working, and netting around $3K/month

I was going to cash out my 401K and use it retain a lawyer. But that just got shot down.  How can I afford a lawyer and custody evaluator?

?

Lawyer told me not to use the credit cards anymore. Nice thought... . even if I didn't buy a damn thing. I'll still be in the red.



Just so angry... . 5 years of horrendous increasing abuse and neglect. And I have to be !@#$% over more.

I don't have any good advice for you. My husband's ex filed a bunch of fraudulent domestic violence claims and was able to secure a lawyer that way, which infuriates me to this day. He took a second job and borrowed from his parents to pay his legal bills, and still ended up makibg payments forever. We're gearing up for a new court battle, which will involve freelance work, selling some of my jewelry, and another payment plan.

Are there any father's rights agencies where you live? They might be able to offer some recommendations.

I maxed out credit cards.  Why did your lawyer say not to? 

If she is making all that money and you are broke, you could try to file something for her to pay alimony or child support, but I guess not if she is making false claims about you.

This is tough.  Maybe you can post anonymously on avvo.com and get other opinions.

Your lawyer means not to use jointly held credit cards I'm sure. I'm paying for my divorce with MasterCard and Discover. Keep track of all monies you spend on joint debt. If your lawyer hasn't sent the wife a letter requesting half of payment I would fire him and find another. You need someone assertive.

It sucks being taken advantage of like that. BPDs are little different then a common thief at times because its ALL about them ALL the time. Even when they are not robbing you (emotionally or otherwise) they are grooming and growing you to rob you again.

Tha being said, look at the bright side, it will stink going through all of this but now the finacial bleeding can at least be assesed and evaluated and stopped. Consider it good that it was only five years. Mine was 13 and there are many here who had a lot more years.

Best thing you can do is take inventory and shore up everything you can and document , document and document. As of the day she left, on that day everything should be split 50/50 IF you have a decent lawyer. So even if she took money from a joint account, she is liable to give you half when its all said and done. But again only if you have a good lawyer on your side.

Most lawyers will work with you on the retainer and fees afterward. Call a few and sit down with them and get some advice. Least you can do is pay them 50-100 for a half hour interview and the initial advice will help you jump start your case.

It will be money well spent if you can come up with that much.

Are there kids involved?

Couple of idea

1) If you cannot cash out the 401k see if it has a provision to take a loan against it.

2) Like I forget said, don't run up joint cards but see if you can open up a new card in just your name.

3) Can you borrow from family / friends?

4) Do you have any assets you can part with (guns, tools, etc.)

I hear you Slim - took me 25 years to figure it out, as near as I can figure what I call the BPD tax was about $1,500 per month at the end.  Meaning she would just spend and spend no matter what I asked, knowing that I would cover the overdrafts and pay the bills to keep my credit from being trashed.  Yes it is indeed good to at least be able to stop the bleeding.

2) Like I forget said, don't run up joint cards but see if you can open up a new card in just your name.

[Well, they're in my name. She was just an authorized user. But debt is debt. Not seeing how that makes much difference? If I open up a new credit card in just my name. I'll be solely liable for those expenses. Where as now, I feel I can at least make the argument that the expenses are for family. And should be considered common since she is currently not contributing any $$$ to the household finances.

3) Can you borrow from family / friends?

Not much... .

4) Do you have any assets you can part with (guns, tools, etc.)

I have a few such items, that I could part with on a 1/10th the dollar. And then she'd demand half of said dime.

*sighs*

Most of our spouses are entitled and make unreasonable demands.  Doesn't mean you have to comply.  A lot is done at the beginning of a divorce that's unfair and some even downright sleezy.  And usually not done by us of course.  While you won't sink to the same low level of dysfunction and brass hardware as your stbEx does, do consider ignoring the emotional/guilting demands, at least to start with.  Odds are, much of the demands will never be addressed by the court, prompting this observation not to worry overmuch about going out of your way to look good and hoping to be rewarded for doing good:

The misbehaving person is seldom given consequences and the properly behaving person is seldom given credit.

So true... .

I'm in a similar situation.  Cant afford an attorney.  Her dad is paying for her attorney.  I pay an attorney $200 for an hours consult and she tells me how to fill out forms and what to do.  Not as good as an attorney, but better than nothing.  The worst part of this plan is that is takes a great deal of time to do the paperwork and prepare for hearings.

it is good that you all are willing to pay, max out credit cards, borrow from family, etc. for lawyers.    it has been a year for me, and i think i could have accomplished a lot more if i never had a lawyer on retainer.   instead i should have hired some as advisors for paperwork,etc.     having a BPD ex means she will sue, file motions, complain, etc. about negligible things that my attorney gets involved with.     if those stupid complaints did not go through my attorney, i'd have less in credit card debt.    this is my experience, but glad some people here see some value out of their lawyers, as i don't.