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I attended my first men's group therapy on Monday, even though I was the only person to show up. The facilitators tell me that lately there have only been about 3-4 attendees, but a few months ago they had about 10.  As I understand it, this is about the only men's only group therapy geared towards domestic abuse and trauma in my city (a rather large city).

So Monday, it was just me and the two facilitators.  Even though it is a group for trauma healing, that's not what the focus was on.  It was more focused on mindfulness and skills to help us remain calm and be of wise mind.  I found that extremely useful. I look forward to next Monday, and am hopeful there are more attendees next week.

I'm glad you are going to this, Max.  What does you wife say about you participating in this group?  :)id she ask questions about it?  

You mentioned that she does not admit to hitting you this last time and claims to not remember assaulting you the time before. 

She does not like that I am going.  She calls it my "victims" group.  But that will not stop me. 

Regarding her behavior - I think she is in severe denial about hitting me.  I think deep down she knows and does remember, but just has herself emotionally blocked from it.  Lately she has been going on about how my pants are too big on me.  Yep, that's true.  Also true is that I have lost about 15 pounds over the past few months due to stress.  I tell her that it's not that my pants are too big, its' that I have lost weight and need to gain  it back (I'm too slender as it is).  She's also noticed my hearing loss, which is also a recent thing, and I believe is partly a result of her screaming and yelling.  I think deep down she knows, but the BPD blocks her off from it. 

My feeling so far is that a men's group therapy like this could be very helpful to any man in a r/s with a pwBPD.  Even a stag alanon meeting is helpful.

I think many of us men are raised with an attitude of being closed off emotionally, and a shame in not being able to handle our own problems.  I find that opening up to other men is helpful an examining where I am at with myself.  These groups really aren't about venting or blaming our current situation, but on self-discovery of why we got to where we are in the first place. 

My own introspection over the past few weeks has taught me that I have many unresolved issues from childhood, from family, and previous relationships.  My tendency over the years has been to close myself off.  I spent considerable time in therapy talking about the way my mom was growing up, feeling guilty for even talking about her in a negative way, and finally concluding that I felt abandoned by my mom growing up.  Not that my mom did not love me or support me or help me, but I see a drastic difference between the way my dad and my mom interacted with me as a child.  When my dad was home on the weekends, he was often busy doing household chores.  But he would still interact with me, show me what he was doing, and I would learn and help him.  With my mom, I would see her much more often (she did not work) but when I came home from school, she would be reading, watching TV, or talking on the phone with friends.  So she would be there, but not interact with me.  I felt I would often have to interrupt her in order to ask for something such as a snack or if a friend could come over.  And when she replied, her response was "I guess so" rather than a definitive "yes" or "no".  I'm remembering now that I grew up to resent the telephone, and for years I hated talking to people on the phone.  And this is likely because I felt that I often wanted my mom's attention, but she was always busy talking to someone on the phone.     

I really think a group therapy session is helpful for gaining these insights.  I don't feel like I am getting to the same place with a 1 on 1 session, because I think I need to listen to and have peers listen to me.

The weight you can gain back, but the hearing loss could be permanent.  The fact that your wife's screaming could be partly to blame to blame for that is really disturbing. 

Has the screaming lessened in the past couple of weeks since you came back home?  What about the verbal/physical abuse? 

There has been zero physical abuse.  Verbal abuse - some, but she's been better about stopping herself before she goes too far.

 |iiii max, you are sounding a lot better than a bit ago--more sure of yourself, and like you are doing a much better job of taking care of yourself.

 

I was around jet engines for a long time... .even with double hearing protection... .I have some hearing loss. 

Wearing hearing aids kinda opens the world up again. 

for me it is childrens voices that are much clearer... .

A very precious thing to be able to hear again.

FF