BPDFamily.com

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot and I’ve realized something that may help others in the same situation... .

I spent a lot of time thinking I had to let go of my ex because she was poison to me. But actually it wasn’t her I needed to let go of. It was who I was when I was with her that I need to let go of.
I need to let go of them both.
They were both unhealthy.
When I was with her I was weak, paranoid, emotional, crazy, insecure, physically weak, addicted... .

That’s not who I am at all and that’s not who I want to be.

And that’s why moving on is really the best thing

This quote by Hemingway sums it all up;

true nobility is being superior to your former self.

Wow.
That is exactly my story and factors:
weak, - letting her tell me about my poor communication skills with my son (she never had children)
paranoid, - believing her anti-social "creep magnet" stories.
 emotional, - in infatuated love with her without logical background between us.
crazy, - love with a woman that keeps garbage in her freezer.
insecure, - the last week after she said I dominated conversation (probably true) constantly asking her if I can work with her on improving
physically weak - I was never working out. Now with a post break up physical labor job I gained arm and leg muscles at. age 57.
, addicted... .- without saying, 4 mos post breakup and I want to go back to the love bombing stage.

Thank you for the insightfull post.

Like what you're sayin', Lostinanother.  Right, recovery involves letting go of the person you were while in the BPD r/s.  It begins with self-love and self-acceptance, in my view.

LuckyJim

My therapist also encouraged me to go through the process of forgiving myself. I wasn't aware of how this was dragging me down until she took me through a guided exercise, and I felt extremely emotional. I've since done it other times on my own when I was in the mud about my mistakes.

I allowed a lot of things that I shouldn't have. I let myself be figuratively  kicked down a hill and left in the ditch too many times.

I'm in the baby steps, but I'm working on seeing myself as a wise, strong individual. I wasn't that way in the last years before separation.

Yes! I agree! It's kind of funny in a way. I had a conversation about this with my BF this morning.

A couple of years ago I started to "wake up" and realize who I am, who my authentic self is. It turns out the person I was twenty years ago when I got married is not my authentic self. She was who others told her to be.

Letting go of that person felt liberating. Learning about and accepting my authentic self was and is wonderful, the good with the bad.

When I realized who I am, it didn't fit with who my uexBPD\NPDh is which lead to a lot of problems and our divorce. Our core belief systems were very different, it turned out. I felt he didn't accept me for who I really am. It seemed he kept trying to change me into who he thought I was or should be even after our marriage counselor explained to him I was on a journey of self discovery. It was probably magical thinking on his part. If I was the person he really thought I was or should be, then he'd be right! He knew me better than I knew myself all this time! That type of thinking drove me crazy often. He swore he knew me better than I knew myself. I felt very insulted about that. I'm getting better at letting that go. It takes time, I think.

My D12 asked me this morning if her dad and I were friends now. That's what prompted this conversation with my BF later. I basically told her no and that if it were going to happen, it may take more time. We've been divorced for a little over a year. I also told her it's a conversation best left for later because I don't like to talk about these things with her first thing in the morning. Plus it gives me more time to think about it.

So it got me to thinking about why I don't think I can be friends with him - he doesn't seem to accept me for who I am and keeps trying to change me. I can't be friends with someone like that. Well that and why would I want to be friends with someone who is emotionally abusive. I know I can't tell her that part though.  I may just leave it at that - it may take more time for us to become friends, if we ever do. Some things just take time. And it may never happen no matter how much you want it to.

Outstanding post Lostinanother-

I was not at all "me" when I was with her. It was insane. She loved me for the funny, laid back person I was initially. But the longer I was with her the more I strayed from being that person. I didn't handle being abused well as I had never been exposed to such toxic and crazy behavior before and was truly walking on eggshells for way too long. It's been slightly over a year for me and I am finally getting myself back. It's been the most traumatic experience of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Great post.

Beezle did you say garbage in the freezer? My BPDw does that. I would have never thought anyone else did that.

So... .who was it that was doing what you were doing?  :)  It was us and how we react to adversity.

I agree that many of us acted badly in these relationships. We had our "metal" tested by a very difficult person and we didn't do so well.

But that was us. We need to own it.

Getting out of the relationship is the first step to recovering.

Taking apart and understanding how/why we reacted to adversity and how we should deal adversity in life going forward is very important. 29% of the population has a DSM disorder and/or addiction. We will face this again.

The world breaks everyone and afterward some are strong at the broken places [and some of us are not] ~ Hemingway

Yes, now that we've been over for a bit, this was one of the things I struggled with as well. Even when I was in it, I knew that the time I was spending with her wasn't making me happy in the slightest. I would try and try again with bigger better things including vacations/etc to bring back the happy feelings. She would flip out, be cruel and hurtful, desperately need help but at the same time I'm helping her tell me how worthless I am.

The first few weeks the hardest thing was figuring out what to do with all my time and energy now that I wasn't managing her emotional state, her life, dealing with the random things that came up that she couldn't handle, and remembering how long its been since she last ate because god forbid she got hangry that was a death spiral.

But honestly you have to let that go and direct that energy towards yourself. Its hard I know. But force yourself to go through the motions. Hit the gym, spend time with friends. Try new things. In a few weeks you'll have developed new patterns. And you'll realize how nice it is to be appreciated.

So very true. It's been 10 weeks now that we've been separated. The fog is truly lifting.

I applied for a better job last week, and it felt good to do that. If I get it, it will be such a confidence-booster. If not, I have an updated resume and other leads to follow.

GOOD LUCK! Let us know how it goes. Remember that your self worth isnt determined by any of that.

I’m not sure about the rest of you but I’ve come to realize that I was a paranoid mess (due to what she put me through) and I was always scared about finding out about another lie and being hurt... .

She literally made me into the paranoid mess that she hated... .

I was so wrapped up into trying to get back to the idealization stage that I forgot what the relationship was like 60% of the rest of the time... .

I really hated what I had come to be with her and that’s what I’m remembering now... .

I’d become like Gollum from the Lord of The Rings Lol

I am in the phase which you felt couple years ago... it really bad... I woke up at 3 am and missing him badly trying to call or msg him n same time control to myself not doing this... sometimes fail something not...
He told me in last month you are in pain bez of you n see I'm true about you... as always... u don't listen me... I knw very well you...

letting go of my former self, for me, was about taking responsibility for my self and my life. the relationship and its messy dynamics were on me as i chose to stay and participate.

taking responsibility helped me to see that i was the problem, and i was the solution.