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I've decided to return from undecided. I have had a really pleasant few weeks with my uBPDw, therapy has really been going well for me and I feel like a different person because of it. My confidence has come flying back, my anxiety has gone. No eggshells, can't feel any 'fog' now and I really truly want to work on my marriage. We have had some really deep talks the last few weeks and she has really been talking about stuff from her past and I haven't passed any judgment, I asked her to see a therapist herself and she agreed, I'm worried she doesn't mean it but I'm going to keep gently encouraging her. If I could describe my marriage over the last couple of months it would have to be these lyrics by u2.

'Through the storm we reach the shore,

You give it all but I want more,

And I'm waiting for you.'

I feel like I'm in a better place to help her now and whatever she chooses, I'm ready.

Welcome back!   

I'm glad to hear you have had a good stretch.  I hope she follows through and gets treatment, please keep us updated.

I will keep updating. I'm glad to be back here and I brought a red star back with me also, I'm proud of that!

Welcome back to staying, cartman  

Have you reached a deeper level of acceptance?  Wishing you many great moments  

|iiii

Welcome back

Yeah. I feel so much better for doing a lot of deep soul searching.

Thanks!

cartman! Good to see you! I've not done a good job of keeping up with you. Knowing you were posting on other boards for a while probably explains it. In any event, I'm really glad to hear that you are doing better these days!

Thanks, I really feel I've made a long journey. I can now see a future of choices rather than of fog. I feel like I'm on the highway once again. I refuse to hand over the steering wheel anymore. For her there's a choice the passenger seat or the door. Boundaries are what I need to work on now.

It's a good feeling, isn't it? I know that in a way there is this little bit of sadness that she can't see her way to be happy and stable on a consistent basis, but, truth is, she WILL be a little more stable. I've thought about this a lot over the past year... .  when people first come here and they still want the pwBPD to change so very badly. The problem I noticed in myself, and in the reports of many others, is that we absolutely have to have given up on the pwBPD changing before they will change. It's ironic, but true. We can't fake our way along the path to healing.

I'm glad you're going to give staying another shot now. I was on Undecided for a while when things were at their peak. I know that I will face more challenges in the future, but as long as I love my wife and the marriage is overall more good than bad, I'm here enjoying every bit of it when the times are good, and coping with the bad times when they come along.

Yeah, I know that I can't fix her. The way I'm looking at it is I would like her to know she's got a choice. I can see that she knows this. I spoke to a good friend about it and I said " I'd like to show her she has a choice but I don't know how." And he gave me some of the best advice I think I've ever had "lead by example!"

A cute and inspirational youtube video, based on Acceptance Commitment Therapy.

www.youtu.be/NdaCEO4WtDU

Summary - we all experience struggles, and if we allow them to take control of our lives we are bound to wind up hurt. It is only when we find our inner strength that we are able to live the full lives we dream about. 

I love those videos!

(I like the one with the neighbor crashing the party!)

Thanks for the link united for now. When I first came here my 'struggle switch' was well and truly on. The funny thing is I would have never noticed my 'passengers' if I had not met my wife. Life for me seems so purposeful now.