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ok... well took a 6 week break from wife and we decided to try once more... kids were happy about it and things went great for 2 weeks.  There was the occasional disagreement.  Mainly it would be 17 year old does something hurtful and she shuts down and maybe vents at me some...

I do not expect everything to change overnight, but this was a boundary pusher this past weekend

So wife is upset at our 17 year old again for not doing as he said he would and having his phone charged at his friends house.  She then goes off for about 1.5 hours crying and upset about how kids do not appreciate her etc.  I try to assure her that it is horrible feeling that way and kids at this age can be so cruel, but they will appreciate the discipline she requires vs his real dad who basically is just his buddy.  Anyways, it keeps going and going with long pauses of silence.  about 10:20 i start to dose off.  This sets her off and a whole screaming match and I was trying to pinch myself and do different things to stay awake.  I just could not.  I went to defending myself which was a mistake... anyways... after a day and a half things calm back down.

We go out to dinner and take our 17 year old.  Wife decides to let him to try some alcohol.  I am not really for it, and wife is also drinking.  Anyways, we take him home and go back out.  She is upset that first place we go to is dead and we go to a second place.  She has had a beer and 3 mixed drinks that I know of so far in past 3 hours and only eaten a sushi role so not much... I know she is a bit inebriated.  Well, we walk into next spot and we go outside cause its cold inside, but outside is even cooler so we walk back inside.  Wife is on 6" heels and I saw nothing, but bartender refuses to serve her alcohol which she then tries to explain she is sober and 6" heels are hard to walk on.  We leave... .she then goes ballistic for me not saying something to bartender and manager and letting her make a fool of herself...

Should I have spoken up and defended her? I know I am quite passive.  If roles were reversed, I would have just wanted to leave and go elsewhere rather than try and fight it, which was my take with her and she had spoken up some.  Or if i cared should I have spoken up and explained it was her heels and its not right what they are doing? 

If it just ended there, I would say sleep it off and it was bump in the road, but outside the house she started shoving me some and getting bit physical.  17 year old who had a drink with us at dinner saw and came out yelling and confronting her over her behavior.  I had to hold him back.  She claims she jammed her finger cause of him and she could call cops on him.  She threatened him with that. 

Personally, I look at it as, he handled the situation how she wanted to be defended at the bar which ended in a bad situation.  The next day its pretty much I am a jerk and she was the victim and son was victim for being drug in.  Personally, I agree son was victim, but I do not see her as a victim in this.  I try calming her and telling her that it was wrong how he reacted, but alcohol was involved with them both and that never helps.  Does not excuse behavior, but I am still the bad guy

Let's leave what is right or wrong out of this and look at what is beneath it.

What was she trying to convey to you when she told you that she was upset that you didn't defend her?