BPDFamily.com

I just began reading eggshells. I see a strong similarity in my life issues w my wife. she has depression and anxiety. I am constantly wrong, isensitive and inhumane bc i do not validate her.  i can never argue or respond bc i am told i am her trigger. and i know nothing. so my excuses only add to her upset.
i wonder can someone develop BPD over time bc their issues have never been dealt with prior.
i am confused bc she was not always this way. it has gotten worse as days go on. And the worst part is that i  asked for a divorce before it got bad. now i feel like i make everything worse
i am babbling a bit bc i am confused and i dont know how to proceed.

Hi dolphin99  - Welcome:

I don't know what the experts say on this, but I tend to agree that people who have untreated or undertreated mental health issues, can evolve into BPD (have enough traits to qualify - 5 or more).  Most people with a BPD diagnosis have other mental health issues.  Depression and anxiety are frequently in the mix. 

Stressful life events can serve to escalate dysfunctional behaviors, and perhaps cause someone to qualify for a BPD diagnosis.  A person doesn't need to have a BPD diagnosis to be difficult to live with, just a couple of the more disturbing traits can make life miserable.

When they say someone is cured of BPD, all that generally means is that they went from between 5-9 of the traits to under 5 of the traits. 

Only you can make that decision.  It might be a good time to get some individual counseling for you.  If you have children, then they need to be considered in your decision.  If you hope to have children, then you need to think that over.

If she can't accept responsibility for her behaviors and agree to get some therapy and possibly meds, the behaviors will probably continue, or perhaps cycle.  Without treatment and cooperation, you would have to radically accept that the behaviors will likely continue. You can't fix someone else, all you can do is learn strategies and communication skills that can make things better for you.

It could help you to read info. at the link above for "Don't Invalidate" (Go to the large green band towards the top of the page & find the "Tools" menu).  When they speak of validation here, it relates to validation of feelings.  Never validate things that aren't true.  You can say things like, "I'm sorry you are upset", "It has to be hard for you to have so much anxiety".  What's most important is to NOT invalidate feelings by word, expression, tone or body language.  If it's hard for you to validate feelings, then just don't invalidate them.