BPDFamily.com

H is chronically ill.  He has BPD, diabetes, depression, anxiety, and issues related.

I recently learned I have a chronic illness, likely my whole life but mast cell activation disorders ramp up at stress periods.  Mine ramped up enough to make me sick enough to finally look for help.  I’m on a slow path to recovery, but MCAS causes a huge number of issues systemically.  Weight gain, depression, pain at being touched, lack of or heightened libido based on what chemicals are being released by a haywire immune system, migraine, brain fog, extreme I need to stay in bed walking makes it hard to breathe exhaustion, lots of stuff.  It gave me asthma on top of it all.

H still sees me as the ‘healthy one’.  I could go into anaphylaxis for unknown reasons at any stimulus , but I’m the healthy one. 

He has been incredibly obsessed with sex the last few years.  He’s upset I am not ‘passionate’, but with the BPD level of complaining and the fact I do carry the load of keeping house and home, and yard, working full time, while he does no chores, and isn’t concerned most days if he makes it to work (his current boss is very understanding) he feels abandoned and threatened when I mention I need rest, can’t stay up till 2am waiting to see if he’s in the mood, that I am still recovering from being bedridden in January.  I kinda can’t feel sexy when he gets mad and calls me fat, tells me he’s embarrassed of me one minute but he’s attracted to me the next.  I know it’s bpd talking, but my reserves are so easily tapped I can’t manage myself well, or seek a break or enforce boundaries. 

This caused a fight, accusations of nagging, of being a ‘mom’ of being unattractive day to him, of cheating, threats to go ‘get it somewhere else’, the gamut came out.  It was not our worst fight, yet, I just need to vent a bit.  I dated go spend the afternoon with a craft group, but it’s obvious he is both jealous I am able to make friends while he’s not making any efforts to find new ones or maintain contact with current ones, and he feels abandoned when I go to meet with them, one night a week at the most.  He has freaked out too many times, he’s not improving, and I am literally too tired.  I am worn down.  It’s not a battle worth fighting at this time, I need to not be so sick. 

 I know it’s a boundary I should set, I am just not healthy enough to deal with this every damn time I go do something and dare spend energy other than on him.  Fine.  I’m going to take a break, truthfully pleading my illness, and not try to go anymore.  I may make it once every few months. 

I need to focus on recovering, and I am still too easily tired and adding him on top is too much.  I’ll see in 6 months how I’m doing and try again.

Just tired of it all.  His guilt over not helping around the house translates in his mind to me nagging, even tho I never say a damn thing.  I don’t ask for help, make a deal of my efforts, I just cook, clean do laundry, store, pet care, yard maintenance and my full time job, and then help with whatever he decides he needs help doing.  Which apparently activates my immune system to try to kill me. 

This is sad. Youre going through so much. :(

I meant to write " :-( " not a sticking out tongue smiley sorry dunno what happened there.
I hope you're doing better.
Did you start having health issues because of him?