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So after a day of her episodes she decided to go shopping after work. Nothing wrong with that. After she told me in a pretty harsh way she couldn't talk because her phone was dying I just let her know I was going to go to the gym since she was shopping. Just real quick and even let her know I would be done before she could even drive home. That made her say... ."Oh well I was going to come home to be with you but since your going to the gym Im going out to eat. I said... ."I can meet up with you and we can do something together". She said... ."no your going to the gym and I don't want to bother you". I said... ."Your not bothering me, I want to do something with you". She said "You are going to the gym and I was coming home so just stay at the gym and Ill go out to eat".

This is that thing where I knew she was pushing me away and later she would accuse me of pushing her away. Exactly what happened. I tried talking to her about what she was doing and how I was just killing time before she got home and I wanted to see her. She just kept saying I was pushing her away and didn't want to see her. Of course I tried talking logically about how if she thought I was pushing her away then would her going shopping not be pushing me away? And of course logic doesn't work with BPD. There was a whole lot of "You don't understand my feelings, you never say sorry, you don't care".

I stayed calm. I was extremely frustrated but stayed very calm. When she got home we were actually able to calmly talk. Whats weird is I was actually able to reason with her using simple questions. When she said she felt abandoned I asked... .How many times did I ask you if we could do something together? How many times did you say no? I let her think about that for a few minutes. She did. I could tell once she actually thought about that and got past her emotions she realized WOW she was actually the one pushing me away. Maybe she did or didn't but it seemed that way.

Ive been doing a lot of mindfulness meditation. I think it helps. Its definitely calmed me down a lot and helped me release a lot of my thoughts and worries from the past or recent fights about stupid stuff.

I still felt really frustrated at that time. Clouded by my own feelings of being rejected it is hard to understand her feelings or validate her feelings when she says I am rejecting her when she is actually rejecting me with her real actions. Hers is just perceived. My feelings just get in the way and say "hey you are being rejected, she is crazy, What the heck is wrong with you putting up with this!, Get the hell out of here!"

I get this all the time about everything. Yet at the same time my wife might say why dont you go to the gym while I am at the shops.

I think it is about who is in control of the decisions. Telling me to go is to cover any complaints about her spending so long at the shops. Blaming me for choosing to go to the gym is an excuse for her to stay out as long as she wants. (victim attitude).

The reason it messes with your head is you allow yourself to be drawn into JADE about it. You can talk it through rationally afterwards, but it wont stop it happening again.  The fact that you thought you had resolved the issue will increase your frustration next time.

Its one of those issues that are best not devoting effort to as you just go round in circles

Yep - typical BPD behaviour.

I think with most people, we evaluate options/reasons to GET a solution. But with BPD, they start with the solution (what they want), then justify it with reasons.

So in your conversation, when you said you were goign to the gym she had the idea "I feel like going out for dinner". Then, she needs to find a reason to support/justify that - and you being at the gym IS that reason. Trying to argue something different won't work (because she FEELS like she wants to go out for dinner, therefore that is a FACT - she MUST go out for dinner). You provide reasons why she shouldn't go out contradict the FACT that she must go out for dinner.
 

Going to the gym because she's going shopping, then offering to come home when she says she's coming straight home instead is letting her take the lead in this kind of thing.

Unfortunately, when it comes to taking some emotional space (which she may need today), she's really bad at doing it, and wants to blame you for everything (as you well know!)

If you can choose to go to the gym because you want to work out, and stick to it through her bouncing around and attempting to manipulate you, it will work better. If you want stability, you kinda have to create it yourself!

This is important "delinking" issues, when one is not a consequence of the other it eliminates all potential for tit for tatt, and any fuel for insinuating hidden agendas involving assumptions and second guessing. You may see it as killing two birds with one stone, ie being efficient, she may see it as one upping.

I get this all the time. Even if I go to work I get blamed that I'm only thinking of me