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I awoke in the middle of the night last night after having a strange "chase" dream that had my heart racing.  I think that this one is pretty easy to psycho-analyze and it gives some quick and easy insight in to what my subconscious is thinking.  The dream:

In this dream I sneak over and break in to my exdBPDgf's house except that it's not her house; it is the house that I grew up in. The dream opens with me already up in my mom and dads bedroom.  In there though, I see my ex's things and one of them is her purse.  I go through the purse and find her day planner.  In it is a card like what would go with a floral arrangement that had been delivered and it is dated from Valentine's day.  My replacement has written in very small handwriting about how the day isn't a day without her and to "Please recycle.  Please, please recycle with me".  That's as far as I read when I hear people coming home.  I want to make a scan/copy of the card so that I can finish reading it later and actually "study" it for some hidden meaning.   So I turn on my dads All in One (Scanner, Copier, Fax) to make a copy.  The first is too dark.  Hurry!  They're coming upstairs!  I scan it a second time and it's a good copy.  I then hurriddly put away the card back in to the day planner and that back in to the purse and I return her purse to the side of the bed where I found it.

I grab my things - damn, I brought so many things with me, what was I thinking?  I sneak out of my parents/ex's bedroom upstairs and I sneak downstairs as I hear my family members (sister, dad) going upstairs (hey, it's a dream).  I then sneak out of the front door and I'm running on this long porch which is actually the porch of my ex's parents house (?) when I hear my dad call out "is that In_N_Out? Tell him to come up here, I want to talk to him". 

I then awake.

So some things that I have read about with co-dependency from those that had become co-dependent with their borderline partner is that the strong attachment that is formed is because the borderline makes us feel like they are the ones that truly understand our upbringing and they bond and harvest that.  This is because of their own abandonment during childhood that was a part of them having BPD in the first place.  My exdBPDgf could recall with great details things about my childhood.  She remembers any story that I told her about me growing up and she can tell you things like the PJ's that I was wearing as a kid in some of my old home movies.  She would often say things like "I remember the little boy in you, in your <whatever> PJ's opening <such and such> gift".  She found some pictures of me that my dad had taken when I was a kid.  I had them in a storage box but she pulled them out and had many of them framed.  She decorated the house with these pictures of me as a kid.  Maybe in some twisted way, she thought that she could save me from my own troubled upbringing.  I don't know.  But I do know that she intertwined in to my very soul, my very being and within me.

So in my dream, my dad is brought in to it.  I did not have a good relationship with my father.  He was physically and verbally abusive and we just never got along.  He thought that I was the most rotten kid ever if you were to hear him talk about me back then.  However, my  "ex's" bedroom is actually my dads bedroom in the house that I spent my teenage years in.  The "chase" scene is a scene that actually played out many times in my teenage years; me running from my father who knew that I was home but I was trying to run away.  I'm running away from my father before getting "caught".

The card from the flowers would actually be the card that were on the flowers that I had sent for her birthday just after our last recycle as if I had I written it.  Those are my sub-conscious thoughts; "a day isn't a day without her in it" and my wish is that she come back…to recycle me.

A field-day with that dream analysis!  It's all pretty easy to dissect actually and to me it shows just how the borderline (waif) can meld in to your own existence to become a part of you and that explains to me why this break up has been so hard to deal with.  The r/s that I had with her was awful!  The sex sucked, she cried all the time, the constant drama. Few laughs.  I thought that it was because I was the "white knight" and that is a HUGE part of it, but I also think that it's because I felt that she is the first person to really want to learn about my childhood and that she was the one that *really understood* what I am all about.  That is all a part of their attachment phase.  My ex told me about her ability to recall things like that in great detail.  She has a photographic memory.  She said that it is both a "blessing and a curse" because not only does she recall happy things from her and everyone else's lives, but she recalls (and retains) all of the bad things as well.

Thought I'd share.  Anybody else have some telling nightmares/dreams that they wish to discuss?  I realize that this is part of PTSD and many of us seem to be going through the same thing.

Had a dream about mine last night. No idealization, just her running, in a way.


I never felt "safe" talking to mine about such things. She always shut such conversations down since she was easily triggered by any "negative" talk. I think our bond was to have a father and a family, and mine was to rescue and also have a family. Very dysfunctional. Unlike most here, I never felt wildly "in love" with mine.

During the first year after I left my abusive BPDh I had nightmares at least once a week. I was always dreaming that he broke in and was raging while he was stabbing me to death.

My T said to start running away in my dreams instead of just lying there while he was killing me. I started doing that and my dreams changed into me running off into the night and getting away. I haven't had a nightmare in a long time now, I guess I got away! 

I had 4 dreams? (nightmares).  Two of them were recurring.

The first one, I went to a wedding.  It was a beautiful day.  The wedding was outside in a field.  The ceremony was performed on a stage.   I went alone.  I got there and all of the seats were full in the front where the grass was mowed.  Someone pointed me to seats all the way out in the field where the grass was taller.  So I walked to those seats.  As soon as I hit the high grass, there were snakes all around.  Small snakes, about 18 inches long.  I had to walk through these thousands of snakes to get to the seat.  I get to the seat and these snakes are still slithering around, so I put my feet up on the chair. 

So the wedding ceremony is over now, I have to make my way to the stage to congratulate the bride and the groom.  The snakes aren't in the field of grass anymore.  I walk to the stage, and now the snakes are on the stage.  I go to congratulate the couple, I look at the bride, the bride is me, the groom turns around and it is my ex, but not my ex, he has a cobra face. 

^^^^^^

this was a recurring one that I had while I was still with my ex.