BPDFamily.com

Morning.
I have been feeling in a lull since last week with bits of sparks. The deep intense heaviness/aggravation/emptiness is hitting me wide spread. The more I read these BPD books to help educate myself with my daughter, the more I feel like I am being triggered and suffocated with emotions and feelings. I have not felt this since I was a child with my BPD mom.

I have started online counseling. Not extremely happy about paying $ out of pocket. I don't want to. I am at the point where I know I need to. I am disappointed, frustrated because I don't need extra $ to be spent. I can't keep going the way I am mentally. I feel broke.

Hi KHC.  Yeah, I can see how your daughters behavior and recent diagnosis would be very triggering.  A lot of emotions are going to come up that is to be expected, and I would say it is almost normal in the sense that any unprocessed hurts or trauma within you is going to be exposed.

I also get being angry about this happening... .all of it.  And having to confront the past again.  Can you also see the benefit of these triggers right now?  How they can help you heal the wounds that happened long ago?  See them as opportunities rather than or in addition to burdens?

I am glad you are getting professional help.  Is there a reason in person counseling is not an option?

Yes you are right on all accounts. In person is difficult because I am Deaf. Interpreters aren't always provided or available. I can't travel much in the cold (Canada winter here!). Easier just to do it online.

Oh, that does make in person counseling more difficult.  It upsets me that interpreters are not readily available though. 

I hope as these challenges come up for you you will continue to post in addition to counseling.  I found the combination of counseling and the work I did on the board had much better results than either alone.

What is coming up for you now?  A memory?  A feeling?

I had my first session today. I feel like I have someone that truly understands what I want. I want to be able to change, to understand, to be able to make sense of everything. I felt validated greatly. At first I was upset with the amount but now I realize it is unlimited (sessions) our next session is tomorrow 10am. I am ever so excited. Now the question is Dec 12 will I be able to continue at the reduced rate the site gave me. I truly hope so because I have a good feeling about this. I am learning to be honest. Not only to my daughter but to myself. Sometimes kids with BPD we avoid being truthful why we met or went and did an activity (that they didn't like or don't tolerate). I am learning to allow myself to take responsibility and accountability for my actions/responses as my daughter too. Often time we tip toe to avoid the backlash. We feed the monster. I have much to learn. My counselor says it's awareness and once the 'lights go on' and change is inevitable. You can't unlearn it. Growth is on the horizon. I will keep coming back. I need to.

kay, so the first therapy session sounds like it went great and I am happy about that. 

 I agree that a lot of the behaviors we instinctively go to will make things worse.  I also agree that tip-toeing around and avoiding does more harm than good.  I am very glad your counselor will be supporting you as you work your way through this.

Yes.  I agree with this too.   Congratulations on starting the process!

 

Thank you. It's so difficult at times. I am thrilled I met my counselor today. Having someone to talk and walk thru everything. Especially all the stages, emotions and processes.

Today all things are quiet from my daughter. It's almost eerie. I struggle back and forth mentally waiting for crisis to form.

She's currently at college doing a program. I haven't heard from her all day. Only 8am this morning. Hard not to get my own feelings wrapped into there. Is she mad? She doesn't need me? Is she okay? Maybe something happened? What if she is... .? I can't be joint into her (mentally) I am my own self and person. This road has been paved for years. Dropping everything on her whim. Preparing, waiting and reacting. I mean I do have my own life but it was always planned around her.

It's different feeling not having chaos every day or multiple times a day.

I managed to do one client today. Very proud. Tomorrow again one client. I am scared with the income situation. I cannot afford not to keep booking but mentally I can't handle more dogs to train. I have 12 clients to remake sessions with/an hour each. I feel so behind. Everyone ensures me it's okay. They are fine with it. I definitely don't want to go into Jan behind! December people are starting to prep for Christmas. I am nervous that I will shut down altogether and not be able to continue or if I don't gain clientele.

Money is on my mind to say the least. Downright heart breaking spending 1,400 for the week to ensure my daughter has the help and support she needed with me in a hotel close by. I was so close to finally getting ahead! One crisis after another trying to get caught up.