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A lot of you know my story. I was abused as a kid by both my parents-physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual abuse. Recently, I've remembered some of the worst physical abuse (beatings, kicks, being pulled along by my hair, mom threatening my dad with a knife in front of me, etc). Just a short while ago, I've realized that I was also trafficked into slavery for forced labor. Now, I'm grappling with the possibility that I may have been molested as well.

It's been especially tough for me to move past these most recent memories. This is compounded for me with the fact that I can't fully escape yet. It seems like after going through all this, there hasn't really been an "eNPDoint" for me. I still live at home, still have to hear verbal abuse between my family, still have to hide.

I work, study, sing, act, cry, and live, but it remains a struggle. I just feel like the past is holding onto me no matter how much I let go of it. I guess I'm curious. How do you move forward?

It can be difficult to let things in our past go, as they are so embedded in our psyche.  We were young, impressionable and had to trust our parents were doing the right thing on our behalf.  As we get older, it becomes clearer that what we experienced was in fact not healthy. 

Being in the same environment where those memories come from must be difficult.

One quote that I came across recently that helps me put things in perspective is "Your past is meant to guide you, not define you."

Can you compartmentalize the feelings you experience now, and see them in a different, more mature, understanding light?  What I mean by that is now that you are older and have independent thinking as an adult, can you see that the source of your abuse no longer effects you as it did when you were a child?

Hmm. I can see myself in the present as safer, as an adult, and in control. When I'm triggered badly though, I feel like I'm fully back then, without control. I fight to stay grounded, but it does change me from my regular pattern into a more scared me.

So, maybe I am moving forward since I can at least see that I'm ok, and that I am in the present?

Hi SO

Being triggered can be a real dark cloud. Rationalizing and reminding yourself is a good way to take charge. Another option is to stay, accept your reaction, eventually "lose ctrl" and observe. That means that when you feel that you are reacting, you do nothing, you do not act but keep breathing and let your emotions run their course. That may sound corny, but not talking or adding to it allowed me to deal with some PTSD.

Thank you, catsprt. That's pretty much what I did today. I remembered the sexual abuse by my mother. I'd had a feeling that something happened for a long time. Monday, I had some memories, and today, the flashbacks and nightmares were really bad. I had to stay home from work.  :'(

I'm starting to see that the stuck feelings rely on my viewpoint. If I look at the short-term, this would be a step backwards. I have more memories, intense struggles, great difficulties to face. But if I look at the long-term, I see that I am coping with this deep pain really well. I'm snuggled up in my blanket, hugging my teddy bear, resting, not blocking the memories, breathing deeply, taking my meds, and just incorporating all my coping mechanisms. That's a huge step forward, even though it hurts.

So, I guess the way to keep moving forward is to look at how far I've come, to keep plugging along, and to take good care of myself.

ScarletOlive,

I just want to commend you for your courage in working through all this.  It must be a real challenge and I am glad that you are taking good care of yourself.  Thank you for sharing with us.  I don't know if you are into bodywork, but I've learned that it can be very effective in reducing PTSD symptoms, because the body "keeps the score." (Bessel Van der Kolk)

Keep up the great work.  We are here to support you