BPDFamily.com

Here is a piece I wrote in order to describe my struggle, confusion and the nearly unbearable pain throughout my marriage with a BPD:

I Loved a Man

It’s hard to live in the moment, when your moment is strewn with hurt and confusion, yet not an ounce of regret for what we shared. I loved a man, a wonderful man, a man who did the best he could with what he was taught. A man who was abandoned, treated as though his existence was nothing less than a burden. Who would have guessed that he would grow to believe he WAS one? I would. Who would have guessed his rejection, abuse and discardment would have grown into adulthood as constant fear and discontent with what is an absolutely amazing and beautiful heart? I would. A heart so loving and so kind but a heart so fearful of losing those he loved most that he strong armed the very people that didn’t need to be controlled in order to love him. Fearing rejection from them with every turn, he held them so close, close enough to smother, he deceived, hiding anything he believed to be shameful or imperfect. Scared of being left, he would choose to discard first, whether it be through the silent treatment or through intense and frightening rage. But I love this man because I believe in the good within his heart. I believe in the man he wants to be when all fear is erased. He lives in fight or flight mode, always, perceiving those he loves most as a threat to his sense-of-self. The slightest perceived rejection becomes life or death to his being to which he has to react. It is not in his heart to be unkind, it is not in his heart to be aloof. His heart is big and loving, it’s simply scared. Fearful of yet another “you’re not worth loving or staying”. How does one love a man who rejects you before being rejected when it was never in your heart to abandon him? How does one tolerate the hot and cold of a man perpetually running scared? How does one not understand his heart? This world is wonderful, yet so unkind. Full of people who are in pain and know no other way to react. It’s full of beautiful souls who are lost, who want so badly to be loved but who were never taught that love can really stay. It’s full of spineless and weak people who abandon their children without remorse. Without a single notion of responsibility for the consequences to the very child they casted aside, ignored and failed to nurture. Those same people then judge those of us who are unable to endure the havoc they have caused.

Like a child raised with wolves, one who has had to overcome unthinkable obstacles, they will growl, snarl and snap at familiar threats in life, at any perceived threat, even though that threat was simply trying to love them, feed them and show them that humankind is just and right. It takes a very patient and enduring person to continue to try and feed them, despite the bites. Damn these people for leaving him to the wolves. Damn them for not fostering and nurturing the beautiful and gentle heart he was born with. Damn them for not loving him. It has left a scar, not only on him but those who try to love him. How weak are those of us who give up after only a few attempts when this sweet but fearful soul has been batted away hundreds of times? Scorned and scolded for simply trying to attain his basic human needs? Love, kindness, belonging and acceptance; it’s all he ever wanted but because he was taught that it was not to be, that he was expendable, no matter the good in his chest, he built walls, walls not even the strongest woman could climb.

I still love a man.

Hi Shattered1974,

It’s well written, you are versed in the disorder. You also articulate well. I’m sorry that your family doesn’t understand, i can relate with that. I found at the time that I really needed support and not be invalidated.

A silver lining with a pwBPD made me take a close look at my support system and making some choices going forward to have a stronger support system going forward.