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Is this a good way to let her know what she needs to hear? Is it too mean?

X,you need serious professional help! I cannot stay with you. I mean you are telling people lies that I am abusive and violent to you. We never lived together since we got married (let alone the same state or region). You are being too destructive, manipulative, emotionally abusive, and impulsive. The only way I would ever consider staying in this marriage is if you got help by a professional and showed you no longer want to hurt. The patterns that you are displaying (from your past till now) it sounds like you have Borderline Personality Disorder. I've talked to psychologists about this and they concur. Unless you get help for yourself you are going to keep going through this with every relationship you have. I cannot trust you anymore you already show the impulsive behavior (e.g. drinking, spending, and from your past you were involved with risky sex. Who knows if that's still happening behind my back. I don't know who you are because you take after the environment that you are in and you don't even know who you are; you have a identity issue). I have tried to put up with this and stick by your side to figure a way to help you out even when you accuse me and emotionally tear me down. You continually push me out and you're so convinced that I want to leave you because you are not good enough, and you're twisting things around to conform to that. I love you, but I cannot stay with you if you plan on ruining me like you are showing that you are. I will always be here for you, but I don't think that being your husband as you are acting right now I could stay sane later down the road and give you the encouragement and affection you need, unless you show me you are done hurting, you are done being empty, you are done with not having lasting relationships, you are done not feeling like you are worth anything, you are done acting against those who love you the most, you are done putting your self in positions where people use you, you are done not knowing who you are as an individual, you are done not having any lasting happiness in your life and get help. Let me know when you move to WA and I will mail the papers you desperately believe I want to give you. This has been the hardest decision that I ever had to make because I love you so damn much. You wouldn't believe how many people, including counselors, told me that I would be better off without you. Even then, I stuck by you and I never gave up. It takes a lot for someone like me to give up on somebody or something. I haven't given up on you, but,  for now I have to give up on this marriage unless you get help. You can't do it for me or your family but you need to do it for yourself.

I edited it a little. Do you hope to accomplish something positive with this?

I'm with havana on this one.

If you read that out loud with passion, conviction and heartfelt care and concern, they would hear... .remember Charlie Brown's teacher's voice?

That is what they hear.  

Oh and also get mad at you for saying such mean hurtful things.  You need anger management!  Calm down!   



The edited version is the only version you should consider.  

I am living with the mistake of telling her before I could go LC with her... .

please, for your sake, do not send this letter.  This will be the beginning of a mess you can not even imagine. 


That is my humble opinion.  I disagree with Havanna though... ."X," should be struck out too.

Its so sad and telling that when we've tried to say things like this, that is is used as ammunition against us. 

That is not normal, they are not normal.

me too!  we've all tried this! it just does not work ?  say goodbye to X and move on... .for U. |iiii

Hey

I've written those letters, and meant them, it is really despairing when you are at this point and you think ... ."maybe if I put it this way" etc. If you want to send the message , send it, but you know what the response will be?

Reading your letter was depressing, I can see the honesty and integrity in your writing and you are wasting yourself on this person. Its all so sad and I'm sorry you're in this situation.

ditto for the edits - nothing good could come from giving that letter to her.  However, it might have been really good for you to get all of that out of you and on the paper.

Even a NON would react negatively to a letter like this.

Unless they have asked you specifically for blunt feedback on how you perceive them, NOBODY will react positively to a letter like this.

You may be absolutely 100% right about everything you write - but you are telling another person that he/she is essentially crazy, and there is no way in hell ANYONE would absorb that well.

Then add BPD to the mix and it´s an even worse ballgame.

All you can do is tell your wife what YOU are going to do.

Branding her pwBPD and telling her all this... .you might as well get a divorce. Seriously.

And with all the things that´s wrong with her in your perspective - I think that´s also the only viable way for you.

I think it´s good you wrote this, and got it down on paper - that´s always good therapy.

JUST DON´T SEND IT!

To be blunt trying to argue or to make my point to herwas just futile and painful... .she never was willing to understand... .and with a person who treats you so badly... .there comes a point where you just say... .its over... .and get the H#$LL away from them... .the only explanation needed from you... is its over... .I am done... .I have found more success and peace from NO CONTACT than any other tactic since our physical seperation... .good luck... .

DITTO.

x

What she needs to hear is silence. That is the only way for her to get a thought that maybe there is something wrong.

You see, BPD is all about persecution- and the expectations of being persecuted. If you had to narrow it down to a working hypothesis- it would be: child becomes victimized by a clinging and hypersensitive mother who shows separation anxiety whenever the child tries to detach. The child formulates many reaction behaviors to this clinging. The Behaviors become self-serving to the psychological construct that the Mother supplanted into the child’s mind- that the child is a kept person and has no ability to make her own decisions.

The child’s anxiety arises in the teen-age years when she thinks of ways to step outside of Bondage and into adult life. Cutting, thrill seeking, impulsive sex (especially alternating between submissive and dominant sex) spending money, etc. are all ways to temper her masochistic anger and have it sadistically released.

When the Borderline begins dating- it is the same outcome. Seductive mirroring, attaching, then clinging- then anxiety to offset the masochistic anger felt at being controlled. Her inability to self-soothe at her core and subsequently, release of tension with acting out behaviors - get attention at first, but now they are compulsive- and it’s no longer good. Et Voila’ you have the romantic partner turned into a de facto hypercritical, clinging parent who persecutes her. She is back in Bondage again.

The Adult formulates many reaction behaviors to this bondage persecution. The Behaviors become self-serving to the psychological construct that the romantic partner (formerly Mother in her mind) supplanted into the BPD’s mind- that the BPD is a kept person and has no ability to make her own decisions.

The anxiety arises when the BPD (Adult child) thinks of ways to step outside of the Master/Slave dynamic and into adult life. Cutting, thrill seeking, impulsive sex (especially alternating between submissive and dominant sex) spending money, etc. are all ways to temper the masochistic anger and have it released sadistically (impulsively) to help offset the learned helplessness.

So you, (the stand-in for the hypercritical parent,) write a letter about her acting out behaviors. The very behaviors she uses to prove she can feel emotions of her own- punishing, self serving emotions that berate her autonomy and prove to others (as well as herself) that she is helpless.  But the letter is all about guilt and shame and blame... .PERSECUTION.  Exactly what a she expects! Remember, this is all about persecution. And you are proving her fears to be spot-on. She is right about herself, about you, about the way the World works... .She expects to be punished.

And in the letter, you are saying- “How dare you do this to the family? I have spoken to counselors (i.e., higher ranking persecutors and stand-in’s for her Grandparents, society as a whole) and we all agree that it’s *your* fault.  *YOU* are the one to blame here for *our* clinging, manipulative behaviors that persecute you endlessly and make you act out in self defeating ways.

Do you see how this works? Reading a letter like this plays right into her disorder. *She expects to be punished.*

This reaction formation is not your responsibility. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you will not cure it. You are merely a stand-in cipher for a punitive parent that lurks deep in her psyche. Remember, NO ONE can unlock the door to the cage of her mind except to show that there is no cage and the door is freely open. The only way to do that is to walk away and stop blocking the exit.

The best thing you can do for her and for yourself is to let go and allow her natural and logical consequences to her own behavior- Behaviors of her own that are not being controlled by others are more likely to be questioned. (You may be the first person in her life that allows her that.)

Distinguishing natural consequences without rushing in to rescue allows a Borderline to understand that the outcome is in her control. Allowing her to make her own decisions is the only way of breaking the cycle of the acting out behaviors and learned helplessness that cried for rescuing. Her depth of the disorder will be determined when you detach and allow her the outcome without micro-managing it. No matter how carefully you tread, you may *still* be placed in the role of persecutor and *she will still feel rejected and punished.* Expect this- and let go with love. Let go of the outcome. It's up to you now to take care of yourself.   

Do not send it!

If anything you may want to tell her you that are to blame to keep her from flipping out on you. Something to the effect of "I'm confused and mixed up" is generally accepted as a good thing to say.

2010:

Your post is very, very insightful.  We can not protect anyone from the natural consequences of their actions... .we should all stop trying, and just let things happen as the universe determines they will.

Excellent post, really.

2010-----Your post gave me the last little push I needed to completly let go of those final annoying thoughts I had... .thanks :)

i have also had the really strong urge to act upon the terrible end of my relationship with my uBPDh, i have thought of writing a letter similar to yours, engaging in dialogue thru txting etc, and in the end the one thing that made me agree with what everyone here has said was an email i got from my friend, she simply said, 'if you get in touch with him then he will think you have excused his behaviour'. Remember, if you dont then she will be left in her silence to consider her actions' dont give your wife the diversion she's thirsty for, away from her behaviour. although i have found it really difficult to be totally NC since we split up i realise that speaking with him is futile. Everything is twisted and he will bring up every spoken word against him twisted against me.

Be separate and move on, if she goes for help of her own accord that would be the bigger act on her part, if she went for help because you pointed out her deficiences (even though its unlikely she would agree and therefore go because of you), she would be angry because you condemned her. You would lose over and over. She is not able to have a rational argument. You will be even more frustrated and so will she. Her deception is her security balnket. she cannot bear the truth, she has lived in the lie all her life and so any other language is alien to her and may lead to violence and harm. x