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Just a thought going through my brain today about how I still struggle with how my former partner could just walk away with no conversation and an apparent desire to never speak to me again. I realize this is a BPD trait, but it's shocking  nonetheless. One day making plans for forever, the next silence. No warning, no apparent trigger. Just all good, then silence.  A lot of people on this board talk about the rages, ups and downs and pushes and pulls they shared with their ex partners. But each round for me was just great followed by silence. I know I am expecting rational behavior from someone who is clearly disordered, but I struggle with this. There is someone in this world whom I shared the most intimate parts of my life who just one day woke up and decided never to speak to me again and went off with his ex fiance.  How do I make peace with that? And I must say it's not like I think we can speak again after this round. I understand that now. But it doesn't take the sting out of his decision to just cut me out, shut me out.

Hi can't breathe, I am happy to say that I have answered this question for myself, and I am sure that you can, too. For me the answer lay in struggling, resisting, lamenting, pitying, raging and trying again  to resolve and failing and whatever else is necessarily emotionally attached to the horrible way that I/you were treated. And then, once all that is out there, or has maybe been put out there several times in the same way, you will eventually be able to accept that it happened, and then you will be free of it.

I had to accept my partner assaulted me and I'd never get any recognition of that from them. That's hard. I bounced my head against that need for recognition countless times and the injustice of it all. But accepting they wouldnt/couldn't do it also freed me from the need for their or any recognition. They are incapable. They are immature, even like a toddler. They are self-centered, deceptive or self-deceptive or just plain clueless and cruel. It doesnt matter. You're a decent, normal person and that's why you feel this pain. You were wronged. You are capable of recognizing this for the completely  :cursing: behaviour it is and giving that recognition to yourself. And, I'm suggesting and hoping, eventually that knowledge will be able to sink in and once you can reach the stage of acceptance, you will become a much stronger person who is able to leave it behind, believe me.

And if it takes 5-10 more posts of angering, venting or lamenting or whatever, then that is perfectly acceptable and par for the course.

Best wishes  :hug:

Hi Can't Breathe.  I'm sure it's going to be rough.  You have a 30 year connection, so 30 rants probably isn't out of the question here.  I know others have been tried to be sucked back in by their exes, but I'm in your camp of nothingness. Saturday will be 15 months of silence.

So you're rowing a boat upstream (stay with me here, I'm going to try and make a point), and you can't see behind you.  As you row you bump into another boat going downstream and yell out "Hey, watch where you're going!".  They apologize. You continue to row, and another boat bumps into you, "Don't you know what you're doing?" you say to the operator.  They apologize. You continue to row and a third boat hits you, and you turn around ready to scream, but there is no one in the boat.  There's no one at the tiller.  It is empty.  What do you do then?  How do you cope with your sense of injury?

It is psychological annihilation.  Soul Murder from a book title written I think about childhood abuse.  Having a number tattooed in a concentration camp and losing your human self.  Shunning in the Amish community.  Blot out your name from the Book of Life.  They do it intentionally and are aware of the effects.  I am not sure what the best recovery process is; I've struggled with it.  My post is meant to convey the severity of it as it feels to me.