BPDFamily.com

Hi all.

My background is that I left my BPDgf earlier this year. Apart for 7 months, I reconnected about 6 weeks ago. Things were up and down, a lot of self reflection happened, we experienced joy, intimacy through to rage and sadness, most of which is due to past hurts. We were/are not back together.

While apart she decided to book a holiday overseas for four weeks, she was in a bad place and needed to get away from life here. She is staying and travelling with a former lover.

I can't control what happens there nor do I have a right to. I ended the relationship, she booked the holiday when I was still out of the picture.

I know they will sleep together, probably already have.

Before she left we had fought, though smoothed things over before she got on the plane. Said our I love yous. When I asked what she wanted from me while she was gone, she said to be left alone, and if I really wanted to contact her I could write in my blog and she would choose if she wanted to read it.

I've started writing a few times but not made it public as I decided contacting her is more about making myself feel good.

That said, I'm scared that something will rekindle with this other guy, particularly if she starts resenting me for not contacting her (ie not showing I miss her). On the other hand, if I contact her and her shame and guilt are triggered, or she gets confused... It may ruin her trip and she could resent me for that!

At this stage I think I'll write to her but not show her anything until she gets back. It's the only way I can show her I'm thinking of her, get my thoughts down, but without ruining her trip.

Anyone else been in a similar situation? It's certainly a complicated one, im sure it's confusing for her too, and I'm trying to keep my eye on the longer term picture and using the time apart to work on me. It's just really hard missing someone and knowing the 'right' thing to do is probably not act on it.