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My partner tells so many lies. Another big lie was revealed yesterday. I’m angry and hurt. It hurts.

 Do they ever stop telling lies?

A pwBPD does not have a strong grasp of him/herself, and likewise not a strong grasp of reality.

They make up stories to "fit" how they feel at the moment.  This is not to dismiss that a lie is a lie, but it's just that BPDs have such a shaky sense of who they are and they have to make up their own "truths" to fit their narrative.

I don’t think the lies stop, they may fluctuate in severity... since my understanding is that BPD is very shame-based, sufferers will lie to cover up their actions.  Despite the fact that the truth is generally far less painful, especially in “gaslighting” situations.  It’s so ridiculous. 

In my two closest relationships, my exH told very harmful lies.  He’s heavy on NPD behaviors, and minor on BPD.

MY RECENT ex- uBPDbf seemed (until recently) to tell more or less “harmless” lies.  But now that I decided to open my eyes,  much to my dismay, that’s not the case.  His lies and gaslighting are just as dangerous as my exH’s were. 

I think the bottom line for me is that despite all my effort (and his at times), my trust has become so deeply eroded, I just do NOT believe in his “goodness” anymore.  I can no longer offer up excuses for a 61 year old man to engage in this type of disrespectful behavior.  Our values truly do not line up.

I’m so sorry, Boogs.  Do you wish to talk about it?  Have you had past discussions with him about the impact of telling lies?  When did you reunite with C?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

To catch up with your situation, he attempted suicide twice and as a result of that, his leg was crushed and he won't be able to walk for over a year?

You had broken up with him and then you went to visit him in hospital. What is your current status with the relationship?

Would you like to fill in what specifically that he lied about?

Hi everyone.

Yes you’re correct Cat. Two suicide attempts two months ago. Hospital  this past two month then psychiatric wards before then.He has basically become institutionalised for nearly a year. It’s been bad. We didn’t have a high conflict relationship. He just appeared to go down into something and has barely come out of it this past two years.

What’s the status of the relationship? Well we’re back together. The situation is complicated as you can imagine.

Well he has struggled with homelessness for the past few years and he told me that he had a nest egg savings. I suggested a few times that he should consider investing that money into a small home so that he could finally put and end to the homelessness and have stability. He would get fiercely angry and reject to idea saying that the money was for his children one day. I understood his concerns and left it alone. But I brought it up again because now that he’s in hospital the social workers cannot help him with safe housing and I can’t have him living with me. When I suggested the nest egg again he told me that there was no nest egg and that he had no money... nothing. I was speechless... empty... I always had hoped if one day I could convince him that one day he’d have that little safe place to live in. That was peace of mind for me too knowing that was a possibility for him. But no... Again.

Which one of the stories is a lie?


Best,

FF

Hi Boogs-

I’m so so sorry.

Are you quite sure there is no money, and that he is not merely wanting you to take care of him again?  If I recall, He didn’t want leave your home the last time.

How did you respond when he told you there was no money and that he had been untruthful?

Are you able to hold your boundary of him NOT moving back into your home?  What a difficult situation for you.  Again, I am so sorry...

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Hi FF

Sorry I’m confused? Which story is a lie? You mean about the money/nest egg?

Thanks

Hi Gem,


I’m not entirely sure that there IS no money. You’ve made a good point regarding that and it has crossed my mind also. I can stay strong on him not moving back in with me in the near future. Circumstances are such that I now live my female cousin and we agreed that it would just be me living with her in her house.
C* family has also offered to step up and help. His daughter will now take care of C* once he is discharged from hospital next month. C* now requires physical care due to his significant injury and unable to walk.The issue is that his daughter lives some distance away and I know that he really wants to be near to me. In part I am relieved that his daughter will be taking him on.
C* has agreed to move away with his daughter but I imagine that he will have some type of emotional meltdown before then.

My therapist told me yesterday that due to C* suicide attempts that he his even more at risk of a third attempt...

I’m not pushing therapy on to him at this time. I think I’ll leave it alone for a while. I’m wondering if therapy etc is making him feel worse about himself in some way. Maybe to have a break for a while?

Felt really low yesterday and today. I have to admit that there are some needs that aren’t being met in my relationship with C*
 The major issue is that I can’t organise my thoughts enough to clarify what those needs are. I keep thinking about how I feel when I’m around C* and his behaviour .He generally looks very unhappy and unstable... Lost in his own world.
I mostly feel a sense of happiness around C* but it’s a complex conflicted type of happiness. I guess that some may relate to a certain type of happiness that one may feel by simply seeing the face of that person or being close to them but then things get complicated when the reality of the circumstances affecting our relationship inevitably start to sink in and when I’m alone and process the time we spend together in that hospital and what I witness, then I seem to go down hill emotionally. Empty...
I keep waiting for him to turn a corner. I keep hoping for some sustainable good times. Times when we can actually build on our relationship rather than just survive. I’m mentally drained again and looking forward to his family stepping in soon.

You seem to be hoping for a relationship that could be rather than the one that is.

Do you feel more comfortable in a helper role rather than a relationship of equals?

Hi Cat


Well I’d prefer a relationship of equality... In theory... But  I don’t think I’ve ever been in a relationship of that manner.

How do you see this relationship in the future? What are your goals? What are your boundaries?

I’m not sure... it’s almost impossible to communicate with my partner without triggering him at the moment.

I realise that self care is important at this time. I get all that... How do improve communication with C*?

You may not be able to. Two suicide attempts and a history of dysfunctional behavior may possibly mean that he has a serious mental illness and he may not desire to work on or improve his communication. Is that something you want to accept in a partner?

Hmmmm I don’t know what to say... sometimes he seems to want to work with me on things and other times he doesn’t.

Do people who engage with pwBPD all have low self esteem?

My ex lies a lot, too.  It seems about half of what she says is a lie -- but I never know which half.  And I dont dare challenge any of her assertions.  You have sepsis but.they let you out of the hospital in a day?  You are making muffins and going to bed early (when I know you are going to a BDSM sex party without me), etc.  And then I also dont know which lies she may truly believe (my co-workers are trying to get me fired).and which she knows is a lie (I've never been tied up before but want to.try it).  I also see her lie to her mom.  It is chilling how effortless it is for.her, almost as if it's just her natural instincts. 

I've come to.the conclusion.that I need.to simply not.care.whether or not she is lying.  Otherwise I get obsessed with trying to learn the truth, and in that quest I completely lose myself.

To answer another question, I.feel.that most men involved with a BPD woman are co-dependent and/or.have very low self-esteem.  Others may get involved, initially, but they quickly learn their leason and leave.  We, on the other.hand, we stay. We tough it out. We need the validation from someone we feel we can fix or rescue. Spoiler Alert: we can't.

There are "gentle ways" to challenge/clarify.

"Oh my...perhaps I missed something.  Help me understand how it was ok to delay treating sepsis.  I thought that was a serious issue."

Best,

FF

This is also true with women and BPD men--or any other R/S such as a LGBT one.

The non or codependent partner is a great fit.  The other great fit is for the NPD and the BPD.

My H's X W is most likely uNPD.  She is on her third marriage and her children with my H are all in the BPD or NPD spectrum.