BPDFamily.com

The daycare uBPDbm uses through the school is closed this week so her brilliant solution was to leave SD9 home alone. So SD9 is alone from the moment she wakes up until about 6 or 7pm each night. Supposedly the creepy neighbor guy goes over "once an hour" to check on her.

In the past we have called DCF to complain. We have called the police. Of course nothing happens. I hate this. I hate having to worry about her all day. I hate not being able to do anything. And I hate that her bm would rather have control over SD9 than parent her.

I am so sorry to hear about this. Is there a restraining order (or perhaps several hundred miles) between you? Is there not a way to keep tabs on your child during the day (maybe call, text, email?). At that age they should not be left alone unattended. I would continue to call CPS on her and expressed your concern. I do know that this is a risk as it will anger the BPD parent. I called my ex three times (smelled drugs one time, kid was playing with live bullets another time, and kid had major bruises made by adult fingers another) and all cases where dropped. One of the hardest things with a BPD is their ability to convince people they are in the right.

I propose that instead of fighting the ex over this, maybe empower S9 to be mature enough to call you or text you every hour to see they're fine. Good luck!

The first time uBPDbm had SD9 ride the bus home alone DH went over to check on her. This resulted in false DV charges claiming he was trying to kidnap SD9. So it's unwise for us to physically go check on SD9.

SD9 is left without a phone. uBPDbm used to have one for her but she stopped paying for it. We tried this morning and some guy answered, said he's had the number for at least two months.

We have no way of contacting SD9 except trying to call the creepy neighbor guy. He's already been hostile to my DH because uBPDbm is feeding him stories that DH is abusive.

Ugh this is turning into such a mess. We called for a child welfare check yesterday and no one came to the door. Within minutes uBPDbm made threats of pressing charges against DH for filing a false police report. Then she writes this "Final Communication" on Our Family Wizard saying he is volatile and needs psychological help and blah blah (projection, deflection, blaming) and says she will no longer communicate with him.

We're going through the custody process right now so the L keeps saying "SD9's short term harm will be a long term gain" because uBPDbm's actions (like leaving SD9 home alone) will probably lead to us having majority custody... .but it's really difficult to know that SD9 is not being taken care of and not being able to do anything to help.

I spent two years watching the BPD mom do this same kind of stuff to my step kids. All I could do was document when they were wearing rags, document when we knew they were home alone, document that their lunch accounts were in the negative because she wasn't getting up with them in the morning, document when we took them for medical and dental care because she didn't, etc. It was horrible. I felt helpless. But your lawyer is right. The only way to prove a pattern of neglect is allow neglect long enough that there is a pattern.

Is SD9 responsible enough to be home alone?

What are the laws in your state when it comes to this?

DH and I don't think so. She doesn't handle stressful situations well (like if there was an emergency). She basically acts like it's a free for all, eating whatever sweets she can get her hands on (this she tells us). She also fares better (happier, better behaved) when there is structure and discipline in her days.

There is no set requirement, but they recommend the same as the national age which is 12.

You say you're in the middle of a custody battle... .so have you brought this to the court's attention? Courts can order social services to open a case (they did against my wife), and the social workers damn sure won't ignore that. Have you tried this?

And, you're exactly right - a nine year old kid should NOT be left alone all day long, particularly with no phone. BAD situation.

Right now we're beginning a Custody Eval, but uBPDbm is dragging her feet setting the first appointment. We are definitely going to be bringing this up with the CE.

Absolutely... .and whatever you do, do not show one IOTA of anger around this person. Not one bit.

Can you prove how often she's home alone?

I hear stories in my state all the time about kids being left home alone too young and being taken away from their parents.  Of course, usually the kids are like 3 or so, but I don't think 9 is old enough to take care of yourself.  I wonder if she's scared.  I know that I was nervous when I was 9 and we had a 13 year old babysitter.