BPDFamily.com

Hi,

Its been a long time nearly 9 months now since I was dumped and she moved on to her new toy. She kept me on a string for a few months despite the new BF and me not knowing what the hell was going on.

Anyhow total NC for 4 months and its been very good. Have done a lot of growing and know why I was in the RS and stuck around. In a new RS and its going very well.

Karma I always believed takes care of itself and in many ways post RS a lot of people were very kind to me despite supposidly being friends with my ex. Some even her closest were sent packing by her in the turmoil she calls a life. All of it very sad when freinds closest of friends were dropped on their heads just like me post RS.

Revenge and not talking about something stupid but it is always with amazement I find myself being interested in this when I know deep down their is no revenge on a person with no conscience or empathy.

Having ignored and not responded to breaches of NC for many months yet again I get the attempts at contact and another last week which I ignored.


It makes me to be honest mad that she cheated on me at the end of our RS ... .likey a few times during our RS and she is attempting to make contact to still be friends. Her new BF himself has a  PD and certainly no conscience or remorse for what he did to his ex.


My question I suppose is ... .karma in many ways has changed my ex's life ... .and I am not really wanting revenge but it makes me mad when she has zero understanding of what she did to another. Even she admits how kind I was and it alternates in her mind between black and white. Obviously with NC ... .I have no idea but attempt after attempt just keeps happening.


I know and know sadly from the 5 times I took the bait it would just end with me being abused ... .accused and painted black again.

Galling is this attempt at contact and repeated attempts to try and keep me in her life.


She prances around without a care in the world ... .  I dont dwell on this ... .her new partner who was a friend same thing.

I have the ability to change both their lives by making some information published on the internet about them public and it would frankly change their lives ... .revenge ... .and its tempting to change their lives totally and having problems dealing with this dilemma.


Essentially think if the information was to become known to their emplyer they would loose their job. They shouldn't be working in that job not with their history and again shows how little remorse someone with a PD actually has.

Struggling with this issue ... .do I ... .or don't I ?

I largely lack religious leanings, but there is a good reason for the concept of Karma, and/or the idea that judgment belongs to God alone.

It stops you doing stupid things and wasting your time. Revenge = not moving on.

Unless releasing this information will actually protect others from some danger, don't bother. You've got better things to do. Things related to your life, not hers.

Hi D,

Have moved on and am actually happy. It is irking me that she keeps trying to breach NC and is oblivious to what she did. Her new partner is even worse and has caused just as much if not more havoc in my life than my ex. He was the one who was cheating with my ex not me.

It just keeps on going despite the fact the RS is over with my ex ... .no interest at all ... .and her new BF keeps sprouting rubbish about me.

Not about letting go. I would never ever go back, not in a million years.

Its about turning the other cheek and boundries and keep getting kicked up the behind by both these idiots. Approaching either to try and get the villification to stop a waste of time. Whilst I know I am being painted white right now by my ex hence the attempt at breach of NC ... .I know if I did ... .within days I would be painted black.

I am sick of rubbish coming out of her news toys mouth ... .stories she has sprouted to him about me being something I am not. I didn't even raise my voice during our RS vs ... .physical abuse on her part and every trick in the BPD handbook.

I am struggling not acting and changing her new toys life revealing his very public past.


If I were to even attempt to speak to him about it and tell him to stop ... .he denied it was happening or him despite being told from first source people ... .the ones he was telling  what he said and was doing.

No a vengance sort of person at all but this is tempting.

I would loose little or no sleep doing it ... .he is if anything even worse than my ex BPD partner. 

Oh, I don't mean letting go in terms of going back or not going back.

I mean letting go in terms of no longer having the past relationship be part of your life or something you find you have to think about much.

Her attempts to break NC are making that hard. I'm sorry that's happening to you. I would guess that making trouble for her won't help that at all, though. Probably better to just pretend not to notice?

Well the good news is... .you're not a psychopathic lynch mob of one.  You've actually stopped by here to post this before you impulsively rained retribution down upon them (with the odd reasoning that it makes you look like the better person.) That *is* odd thinking, isn't it?  That you have to police their karma and make judgment because you feel you have the power to do so?

Karma is action and reaction. You'll have some reaction to my post- therefore my karma is in the action of writing it and your reaction that comes from my action. What do I get out of the karma? Hopefully understanding. Now if we apply this action/reaction to your *desire* to publicly humiliate your ex and her new partner- what understanding do you all take away from it?  That you will be heard? That you are powerful and undefeated?

Your desire for retribution is the classic drama triangle of three people that is used in every Twilight film, Greek Tragedy and TV soap opera. Who is the victim? You? Your Ex? Your Ex's new partner? You could keep revolving in a game of musical chairs until you all are defamed, deflated and destroyed.

The only way to win is not to play.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.0

Karma is always at work. No matter what she does, who she is with, or what she obtains, she will never find happiness.

Now it is your turn to find the happiness that will always elude her.

Isn't it assuring enough that she will, without any professional help, go on like this forever, moving from one bad relationship to the next?

Hi,

2010


Exactly ... .it however becomes tiring the villification even after 9 months. Having looked at the roles and my own role in the RS saving the victim ... .I sadly like many who are in a RS with someone with BPD are left as the victim. Quite different however is that I dont wear it on my sleeve and its just a simple thing I came out worse for wear as did most out of the RS.

Right now however I actually gained a lot more via the RS and growth than was taken from me.

Goofy Goober

I doubt my ex BPD partner learnt a single thing from our RS together which is just sad.

WalrusGumboot


I have found it ... .in some ways under threat via the ex and her new partner also with a PD ... .

For now I will not play but under threat via weekly snipes at me and my new partner its becoming hard to turn the other cheek  ?

Their life is karma.

When it comes to the issue of karma, I believe it isn't up to us to dole it out ... .I believe that's the job of the universe.

When it comes to revenge, I don't believe in seeking revenge against any person. I believe in letting the universe take care of whatever needs to occur for the soul to learn from its behaviour.

Each person must answer to themselves. It's not up to me to judge you or another person. I can only judge myself.

If a person harms another person, one must ask what their state of mind was. In the case of a pwBPD, I don't think they're using the same deck of cards as the rest of us.

Despite what my ex BPD BF did to me (and it was a lot of negative things), I have no desire for revenge. I see him as an unfortunate person whose life is likely never going to be good. I think he will never seek therapy so really there's probably little hope for a better life for him.

If karma exists, then I believe the karma of our situation is that I am now free of him and my life is restored, and he will never have me back in his life again. I can't think of a worse thing for him than losing me. I am the person who loved and helped him in every way possible -- the most of anyone ever in his life.

Your ex-GF has lost the most wonderful person in her life ... .you. Nothing you could do in revenge could be worse than that. As well, if you seek revenge, there could be karma for you in doing that.

Given your ex-GF's and other BPD people's situations, I think we (as non pwBPD) must try and be compassionate and realize they are seriously ill people.

The focus needs to be on ourselves in coming to understand why we allowed ourselves to be drawn into and stay in a relationship with an abusive pwBPD. We must focus on our own healing.

So let go of your anger, and let go of your thoughts of revenge, and let yourself heal. This would be the best karma for you.

Hi Moonleaf,

Beautiful and well said.

Many thanks for that.

Hard to be a good person which I have been all my life ... .I realise the ex is sick and with BPD. I wish her no real harm its her BF actually causing mayhem above and beyond her own BPD driven issues.

I suppose being honest I should thank him for saving me from more pain and misery. Thats exaclty what he did ... .saved me. I dont really feel anything towards him other than contempt for the damage he is trying to cause me. One never ever knows what my ex BPD is telling him and driving him on the attack.




Oh so true about tha karma and thanks for the kind words.

Will as always just turn the other cheek which at times is difficult.


take care 

Yes, it's not easy to be a good person. And I would venture to say that it's because you are a good person, that she got drawn to you and knew on some level she could hook you.

I wouldn't worry about her new BF. He, like you, will eventually be history too. He is just another BF in what will likely yet be a long line ahead of BFs for her. This is part of her illness.

I understand how difficult this is for you because probably, you, like me, suffer when someone says bad things about you ... .especially untrue things as pwBPD do when they are painting someone black.

If your ex-GF's new BF is in any way intelligent, he will take what she says about you with a grain of salt. I remember doing that when my ex-BF told me things about his ex's. As time went on, and I became privy to his negative behaviour, I came to see the other side of the story. Hopefully this guy will too once she starts showing him her true colours.

Truely amazed:

Holding grudges against your x is akin to let her/him LIVE RENT-FREE in your heart. By letting her go like releasing your hand after holding tight a pencil for a long time, you will find the peace. You will not find peace and happiness by revenging.

Try this excercise. Breathe in with a count of 4, then slowly breathe out with a count of 4 , then hold the empty breath for a count of 8. Immediately, your lung will inhale automatically and deeply after you release the hold. You will feel a sense of new life. Similarly, holding the grudges against your x is like holding that empty breath for a long time. You won't allow the fresh air to come in.

Personally, I am still thankful for the xBPD to enter my life for a short while. Despite the pain, the confusion, in the end I did learn so much. I learn about letting go of those who are w hatred and disharmoney if I want peace in my life. I learn to love you also have to be loved. So if you cann't be loved then it is time to move on. That is how I grew, my friend. I did not let her BPD venom travel past the point of injection.

This is exactly what I believe to be the purpose of life! I believe we are here to experience, both good and bad, and to learn and grow from those experiences.

Like you, OnceConfused, I learned a lot from my relationship with my BPD ex-BF. I, too, am grateful for having grown from it. And, having grown from it, I have found peace from it.

Hi Once confused ... .

Wish I was there.


I accept where and who I am now.

I have grown via the painful experience and do not hold a grudge ... .such is life and accept and are grateful in a stange way for the RS.

I think moonleaf has where I am closer to the mark. I have moved on with my life and am happy but every week either I am attacked or my new partner has a similar experience.

Yep I suppose I am giving time to them and her rent free !

I thought about Karma quite a bit.

At one point I realized that she must have been MY Karma too.

Good point!

The very last words I said to my exBPD was "Karma's gunna get you"

I spent 8 years in a relationship with a person who is NPD and another 2 years trying to be his friend, the behaviour of an NPD is no better, I no longer talk with him but since the break up 2 years ago and moving out but staying in contact trying to be his friend I have seen all his karma come back and get him and I might say in a very big way, I don't seek revenge for the wrongs people have done to me because I have seen karma work in their lives and so I know that in the end they will get what they deserve, the sad thing about it is they have not learnt anything from it and continue to push their s**t on to people.

The exBPD said to me in their last email that was sent explaining why they walked out on me that they wanted to go and get the life they deserved, I said to him "What is it you think you deserve when you go around doing this sort of thing to people, look what you have just done here and you think you deserve a good life (feelings of anger rising here), you will get what you deserve, karma's gunna get you... .sad thing is he told me a 100 times that he wanted his life to be with me, he lost a good person, he will realize that one day and feel shame for what he did and the nasty things he said to me. I will probably never see the karma that comes upon him but I know inside that he will get exactly what he deserves, I just hope though that he remembers what he did and what he said and learns from it.

have thought about this also, have I done something so bad to somebody that I am getting my karma ?

I can't help but think though in my situation being a gay male that I get sent these things because of Gods disapproval of homosexuality and that he will bring upon me each time when I get into a relationship with somebody who will be much worse than the last until I learn not to have gay relationships, I can't help feeling the way I do about my sexuality but God disapproves none the less, is it karma or is it a lesson for me to learn, I have no idea because I can't recall treating somebody badly that I should have this come into my life... .just my thoughts on it.

Why would God single you out? There are a lot of succesful gay relationships. Why doesn't God interfere with them? It's just a couple of paragraphs in the bible, but that doesn't make it so. Times change. Even God must realize that.

Oh Boy,

Its been now 11 months post RS for me and about the same for my new partner. Both of us are happy together but both of us from RS with someone with a PD.

The story sadly continues and I have little hope it will stop. Last month saw my ex try to re connect twice and then demand something back via blocked email ... .she didn't even own. It was not even hers.

Of course I totally ignored her attempts and as far as she knows they went no where ... .but still they continue after 11 months. She as far as I know with her new toy and to the world is happy. Sadly from when I was allowing breaches of NC ... .6 months ago ... .nothing could be further from that truth.

Anyhow I dont care about her.

What is currently going on is my new GF has been getting unknown calls for the last 8 months. We were unsure who they were... .we both got a series of calls from my ex ... .but they stopped some time ago ... .both to our work. My new partner has been getting these unknown calls at random ... .but now we sadly now know its her ex calling. Even worse he turned up at her work under the guise of his job and confronted her face to face with a smirk on his face.

If I object ... .he will hide behind it was his job... .complain to his job ... .again he will hide behind that and play into his hands. He like my ex strongly suspect of NPD/BPD or a sociapath.

My new partner ... .after this  encounter ... .got yet another unknown call about an hour after it ... .so not hard to read between the lines. one call is fine but minimum this is call number 50 ... .and the fact that her ex has totally been able to avoid her work for 12 months and then turns up ... .


I have had enough.

Sadly any reasonable way I look at it I am left with little choice but to play dirty.

The evidence I have or just the truth about her ex ... .nothing to do with their RS ... .but his professional career leaves me wondering how stupid his current employer is ? Would you hire say an arsonist as a fireman ? Its worse than that ... .and well documented on the internet.

If I was to ask the person in charge of this business to stop him coming EVER to her work it wouldn't work ... .

If I asked her ex not to come again it plays into their hands.


My current partner feels totally violated after an encounter with him yesterday and she endured well over 10 years abuse at the hands of this monster. And he turns up and smirks at her demanding she converse with him on work related issues.

This is not about karma ... .or actually revenge ... .its about having a monster torment someone under the guise of work because they can.

Whilst he violated my new partners newfound life post Rs with someone with a PD ... .this time he is actually flaunting it in her face and has crossed my boundaries.

Do I pull the trigger ? Not a gun but making his life be turned on its head ?

No I don't need validation to take action. I am left with no choice ... .If its allowed to continue it will destroy my new partner and give her ex exactly what he wants. She of course could change jobs but its a good job she has done for many years and is well rewarded and thought of and little other avenues for her. Again that would be a win for the ex.

In many ways yet another pathological double blind where they win every turn of the way. I act ... .and they will not know it me ... .they still win.

Turning the other cheek I sadly suspect now not an option as her ex has upped the ante ... .

Wonder how he will deal with being unemployed and unemployable ?

You're going to make a mistake mate.

Let your present lady friend ask her problem exbF out for an innocent cup of coffee and then let her lay down the law - you join them at exactly the 15 minute mark as support. If he continues she should go to her boss or bosses' boss.

Don't do revenge. That's God's perogative - not your's.

Hi Mouser,

Mistake ? yes maybe.

Any contact my to to her ex ... .he is if anything a worse monster than my own ex . Any contact with someone with this sort of PD ... .feeds them ... .their emotional needs. In many ways emotional vampires whether they be positive or negative emotions.

As such contact just plays into some stupid game they will then know is working. This is someone who tortured my new partner ... .and has been calling her just to hear her voice every week.

Going to bosses ... .or above ... .again plays into their hands.

Comment about god ? I have prayed to just be left alone by both idiots my ex and her ex. My ex still continues but it doesn't bother me as I can totally avoid it ... .her ex has her cornered and now is going to play with her I suspect.

Its gods perogative to make it stop ... .I have been a good man all my life. ALL of it. He aint going to act so I will. Its not revenge either ... .I want nothing to do with it ... .but if someone is attacking someone you love and asking them to stop will only likely make it worse ... .it leaves little choice but to act. Not out of revenge ... .this schmuck aint worth it.

Ahh maybe he just answered my question ... .but again plays into the ex's hands ... .take out an AVO so he cant go to her work for any reason.


This is not about retribution ... .or revenge ... .I mulled the idea to try and get them stopping to try and hurt us ... .but never took action ... but now they are back both of them going at it ... .I can just ignore my own ex totally ... .sadly my new partner is being confronted face to face.

It is my perogative to act to defend those whom I love ... I have been left little choice in the matter and if thats gods will ... .fine.

And as a hetrosexual female, I'd have to guess there were different reasons for singling me out.

My ex husband once said to me - I hope you find someone who makes you feel the way you made me feel.

It was a double edged sword when he said it, and when it happened

:'(

I know what it feels like to be in love with some(thing? if it was technically never real?)one.  Now that I'm beginning to move forward from the car crashes he left behind in my head, I've learned so much about myself... .that I may have never had to explore if the sky were always blue... .everybody needs something to do on a rainy day!

I've made myself a million promises of revenge.  I wrote them all down - action and consequence.  Mainly I realised that he'd be over it as quickly as he was over me, and I'd still be toiling over it years later.  We seem to mostly find ourselves in this position because we are good people.

I guess as long as you always pause for air, and come and write your intentions down here, somebody will remind you why it's just not worth it.

Live well!   

Hi,

Beautiful ... .

Lets put it another way.

How the hell do you make them stop ? As I said its not affecting me my ex still trying to contact me ... .despite zero response for 6 months.

How do i stop a bully ... .my new GF's ex partner who is NPD or BPD or a sociapath ... .

He can legitimatly go to her work and its doubtful her bosses would do anything much. If you have been in a realtionship for most of your adult life and cheated and lied to ... .all the lovely things we got ... .imadgine having this person turn up every week. He does not have to go there ... .he totally avoided it for 12 months the face to face stuff ... .but for some reason now has upped the ante from late night phone calls to direct involvement. some form of a wierd love triangle but my partner is not involved its just in her ex's mind.

If you think its about revenge ... .put yourself where I am ... .someone who I love is being tortured.

I doubt the police route would work as he is a sneaky sht ... .evil.

If one has the power to make him loose his job ... .and hence any reason to torment her ... .I am pondering about taking any action.

We both are very happy together ... .but this continued crap just keeps going on.

There is a time to turn the other cheek and a time to take action. I will not allow this thing to rule my partners life and sadly I suspect he will continue to taunt her ... .making me do something I think you can clearly see I would rather not do.

I leave it in gods hands ... .not being ovely religious ... .and karma will be what happens ... .last chance for the big guy 

Truly amazed - am I right in thinking your SO is an ex of the person with whom your ex is now in a relationship - or did I get that wrong?  If she is, I'm sure that however unpleasant, she has years of dealing with this man, and probably knows how to for best effect.  I personally thought the coffee idea was a good one.  He can be gently reminded that she will use any opportunity he gives her to report him.  But unfortunately, even though we'd like to sometimes, we can't rub out or past when it doesn't work out... .a lesson for us all in making better choices in the first place  :light:

Remember what onceconfused said - living rent free in your heart.  I hear your pain... .don't give THEM the pleasure of knowing... .and learn how to let it go so you don't give them the satisfaction of your feelings.

 

Hi,


I have dealt with my past. My role and my actions ... .and my choices. This is nothing to do with them ... .I own up to my RS and so does my partner and we are happy and just want to be left alone ... .

Sadly you are suggesting my partner takes a man who actually left scars on her body has a coffee ? I know you are not suggesting that and be thankful it likely didn't enter your mind.

That is not an option ... .and I think you can relate how repulsive she might find it.  

I am not giving them the pleasure of knowing and my ex... .I just ignore her. Hard if not impossible for me to ignore a monster tormenting my partner. My partner yes did exactly the right thing ... .ignoring her ex when he showed up for no other reason than to torment her.

As far as he knew he got no reaction ... .sadly obviously she was upset a great deal.

Neither of us is stupid. Sadly both of us have seen PD's up close and personal and as you might expect both from upbringings as to why we ended up with someone with a PD and tolerated it. Just added up the years and its over 100 relationship years ... .

So we are both well versed in what to do. When one doesn't stop and this is the case ... .


Does she quit her job ? He wins

Complain to above for likely no outcome ? He wins


Ignore despite being very upset each time this happens ? He wins  ... he doesn't know it and sadly doesn't give up. Stalker


Threaten him ... .he will deny it ... pathological liar

Police ... .again will ignore it and police have better things to do.


I keep coming back to it and ... .if I can get him removed from his present job the direct torment stops ... .its at the POINT that its not revenge or some silly fantasy ... its a spider that keeps biting you. Do you ignore it till it eventually kills you ? This person is a stalker and does not let go. 

She will change the numbers and if needed go to the police if the phone stuff continues.

No I am left with no choice ... .I am deluded if I think this person who tried to keep her on a string whilst in a new RS with another ... .so she would be the bit on the side ... .will give up

Big guy upstairs as I said ... .

I'm sorry if any of that sounded overly passive, or that sitting down over a coffee was an easy option - not intended to be so.  The thing I like best about this site is people being able to offer up their problems and solutions in a safe environment... .myself included... .and I'm in no position to judge anyone.

I think I said here already, I still spend more time than I am happy to thinking up ways I could push a little of the downside of life his way... .I kid myself I could make him feel the way he made me feel - no chance!  But I also acknowledge that it's good fun thinking it up and letting it go.

Roll on karma.  That's the name of the perfume I wear... .think that's a message to myself? 

So, all friends here I hope.  Isn't it amazing that even when we're through with them, every reaction to them (because it usually persists) requires careful forethought and consideration... .I won't pray to your big man, but I hope you find lasting peace truly amazed.   . 

Cool ... .

Yes I suppose we all spend too much time on that issue. Gladly well over that hurdle and anger not the issue ... .nor revenge.

As you said above ... .you cant ever get them to feel the pain thay made us feel. Its besides the point either way and more damaging to us than them.

I dont dwell on this issue ... .revenge.

Just want them both to go away. My new partner and I have found each other in the strangest of places ... .but its very good.

In reality dealing with someone with a PD as serious as they have and yes my ex my T with 30 years with BPD patients is very sure she meets 8-9 of the criteia ... .you cant hurt them.

Sure they feel pain ... .in fact they always feel pain. But with so little empathy ... .remorse or conscience about anything ... if it comes to a battle with one with BPD they bring an atom bomb to a fist fight. Not about to get into any direct fight with either of them. They are our past ... a mistake on my part both our parts and we have in many ways dealt with it, paid the price and moved on.

In a single line ... .they cannot relate to others feelings ... the world only revolves about them.


It is pointelss to engage or debate or try and be rational with people without empathy, remorse ... .conscience or regret. Both are ill and they deserve our pity but that for me ... .I couldn't care less honestly what happened to my ex. I just don't care.


We both have been zero contact for the same amount of time despite the attempts which now we know number well over 100 ... .Mostly my ex attempts numbering about 30 ... .and we now know hers well over 70 ... .

If you cant aviod a problem ... .or ask it to go away ... .as it will only make it worse ... .

Bug spray time  |iiii

One last chance then I will spend less than $10- and attack the problem with 10 different types of spray just to make sure and sleep like a baby.

I obviously do not want to do this and frankly couldn't be bothered just want them to leave us alone ... .but sadly that is likely not possible  

Big hugs truly amazed... .you're incredibly strong for resisting... .that's why you'll win in the end.  Karma n all that good stuff!

Someone wiser than me once said: when fighting monsters one must be careful not to become one oneself.

BPD is a mental illness. Many of their actions are sick. Would you punish your brother or sister if they had BPD and were hurting you or your loved ones? Ultimately we are all brothers and sisters. I recommend you pray to 'the big guy in the sky' for a compassionate way to handle this BPD problem.

Sincerely

Hi Mouser,


Each to their own ... .your overly religious view is noted.

I am not punishing ... .havn't done a thing as yet.

My partner is being hurt by someone with BPD. Turning the other cheek is what we both have been doing for 11 months. Any direct action to try and stop this will only eventuate in it becoming worse not better. They both sadly are sick.

It is not acceptable to have it continue and allow someone I love to continue to be hurt. Yes I accept the one doing the hurting has BPD . or NPD ... but this is NO EXCUSE or something I should show compassion towards other than try and avoid it if I can. We have totally avoided this and have been backed into a corner.

My partner is being forced into contact with a monster because he gets his jollies out of it.  

If you have some constructive advice I am all ears. Sadly have been thru most alterantives and come up with zero. We both are 11 months out ... .her partner we now know has been the one with the late night phone calls numbering 70 or so over the last 8 months since NC was enforced. He now is turning up at her workplace where he does have some reason to be there and little my new partner can do other than quit to stop it.

It will not stop there of course ... .once these sad people smell blood they will persue them to wherever.


NO NOT PUNISH ... .I would try and get them to stop ... .done ... .aviod at all costs ... .done ... . and still they continue.

We go to the police ... .her bosses ... .his bosses ... .the type of PD he has will only make it worse as then he knows he is getting thru and the nightmare will continue with renewed vigour as he will then have justification in his sick little mind for revenge because she complained.

These people with the disorders especially ones with the stalker part in it ... .just dont go away via normal means. The like most with a PD do not understand others feelings at all.

Saldy between a rock and a hard place and whilst not being as devout as you ... . I do hope the big guy makes her ex go away. He doesn't sadly and with regret I will ... .and its not about punishment its SELF PRESERVATION ... .

NC is about the NON ... .and has nothing to do with the person with the PD.

And this is why it helps to remember that we are all in control of ourselves, and nothing more.  You can address how you respond to their behaviours, but you can't change them... .

 

Hi


Yep ... .true.

Don't care about either of them other than wanting them to go away.

We shall see where the sadly sick take me from here. Its tearing my partner up more than it affects me ... .and have no desire to have to do anything other than continue on with my new life and be happy. There sadly is a strong possibility it will not be allowed and the continued harassment of my ex will go on.

What is driving this current bout of late night phone calls or direct confrontation is immaterial. Trying to place logic inside the minds of those mentally ill a total waste of time. Sure compassion and understanding of the illness are there. I don't care about them ... .they are our pasts ... .our respective mistakes and what certainly shaped us and have taken us to where we are today. All of it good !

I am very happy ... .healthy and strong where I am today . In touch with where I am ... .how I got here and what I stand for. Scars are healed in the main ... .don't hold some grudge or desire for justice that's the big guys job ... .  Honestly just want to be left alone.

Sadly I suspect it will continue and my boundaries which are now intact about to be smashed again.

Having made the mistake once about boundaries and allowed them to be trampled and become a doormat, not about to sit and watch the one I love be tormented. Its a dilemma and one I sadly have to deal with. I don't want to act, just be left alone.

If after 11 months its not stopping but actually escalating despite no contact from either of us for over 6 months I am at a loss to apply any reasoning as to why it continues. We, I suspect, are being punished for some sad or sick reasoning they have in their minds. 


Only time will tell if it changes ... .or the bug spray is needed.

Truely, is there any way your partner with your input and help, could compose a very short & concise letter to this douchebag?

Outlining how settled and looking forward to her future with you she is and that she found his presence in her work place unsettling, for obvious reasons. And then finish the letter by making an enquiry about the issue that could get him fired and leave it there? Send it via snail mail, that way it's much less disposable than an email or text and may be taken a little more seriously. Give him longer to ponder upon it! Not so easy to delete & forget about.

At least it would give him a fair warning that if he doesn't stay out of her face, he could be up against losing his job. After all, if he does lose his job, someone somewhere is probably going to be at the butt end of his nasty temper.

Hi,


Hi ... .thanks good suggestion.

sadly having done similar ... .it gets twisted and turned. Sent a stern NC one and it was shown as proof that she was breaching NC ... .when she had not contacted her ex for many months. Basically the attempt then was please leave me alone. If you contact me I will be forced to get a restraining order. Have no interest in your life ect ect. Leave me alone.


It was, we now know sadly paraded as though she was threatening him ... .when the sad fact was he was tormenting her and turning up and despite him being in a new RS he wanted her as the backup. She got this stopped but was made out as the person breaching NC ... .


Good idea but ... .sadly tried this route ... .tried several others to no avail ... .it didn't stop as we now know he just went covert ... .and the villification continues. My partner has had zero contact initiated by her for 9 months. Similar for me ... .

In the end ... .its saddening people with BPD or whatever her ex has suspect NPD ... .sociapath ... .have little understanding of others feelings or care for them. telling him she found his presence at her work unsettling ... .or he actually got thru I suspect would have a vastly different result than the goal we are aiming for. NC He would just turn up under the guise of work on a weekly basis.


All of it a bit sad. I am hoping he doesn't repeat this action again this week as its possible he can and will ... .today is the first test.

There are two days of the week he could turn up ... .and for 11 months he avioded the situation directly ... .but if its sadly upping the ante ... .today is the day.

Didn't tell my new partner of my suspicion and hope I am wrong and he just leaves her alone.

I suppose the considered response is to give his boss the chance to take action and make sure her ex does not turn up ... .but not telling him ... .and trust he doesn't. Placing trust in someone and hoping they can see how painful or deliberatly unsettling it would be for someones ex to turn up after abusing her and treating her badly might actually not be a good thing.

Likely even this soft option of appealing to he ex's boss and explaining to him this is not acceptable will only again have an awful outcome with her ex finding out why and turning it all back around.

Hence I came to the only conclusion I did is to have him removed from his job via alterantive means and on the face of it not having anything to do with it. In some ways the choice is actually his. Or the big guys upstairs ... .

Thanks again ... .always a  catch 22 with all of this. Again the old pathological double blind either way ... .heads you loose ... .tails they win.

quote author=truely amazed  


As you've written on another thread: you're right TA, it's not up to you to rescue. In fact, you might ask yourself here if you've traded in one failed rescue attempt to forge forward into a new one.  All this talk about karma and revenge is just keeping you hooked into stress. Nothing's changed from the previous relationship for you, according to your mind and body. If you listen to your stress levels you'll see that the feelings about control (or loss of it) are the same.

Believe me when I say, that the only person responsible for this is your girlfriend. Like everyone else on this board, she has to stop feeling victimized and looking for rescue (triangulating (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0)) and work on her own lack of boundaries with the end of a former relationship.  In fact, both of you are struggling with this and are trauma bonded.

Both of you need to put personal boundaries in place and then test them. That means that she stands up to him by leaving you out of it and handling the fallout on her own. That doesn't mean that she gets a new boyfriend (you,) triangulates him with the old and basically continues feeling victimized for the rest of her life while she stays helpless and seeking rescue.

If there is stalking involved, then she goes to the police- NOT tell the new boyfriend who then engages in an attempt to defame and punish.

Karma is action and reaction. You'll want to be aware of your reaction, as it plays a part in unwanted action.  If you continually react- then you must see where you are on the drama triangle (victim, rescuer, persecutor) while playing a disordered game. As they say, "the only way to win is not to play."

Let go and let her handle her own issues. This is no reflection upon you. If, however, her failures are reflective of your self esteem, then address this in therapy.

Anytime you feel that an attachment doesn't represent you properly and you become stressed- you can either accept that they are not perfect and you still accept them in imperfection - or you can choose to walk away- but you do not stay to fight their battles for them. That battle is a lesson of theirs to learn. Your lesson is to let them learn it.

The best advice you could give her is to ignore any attempt at contact and turn away from it and you will do the same.  |iiii

I read the link posted by 2010 on the victim triangle. . .i thought it was brilliant and well worth reading.

I had a  :light: moment (again) and think my exuBPD/NPD's has been on a continual circle of this in his adult life in relationships.

After reading this (and in hindsight remembering when we drove past my old house where i lived when we met, he said that's where i rescued you from  ) at the beginning i believe he was in Rescuer mode. . .no doubt to help him come out of the victim mode he goes into when he needs validation that he is not the cause (again) of a relationship breakdown.  I believe he is almost 'tuned' in to those he believes are 'needy' or 'wanting' of attention.  I think he thought this of me - and to a certain extent he might have been right - but he was wrong to believe that in a 'crisis' i would continue to play the role of victim. . .i wasn't prepared to carry on running around the circle - i got off.

When he gets bored of the rescuer role or decides he's not getting enough back - he cheats. . .then he goes into persercutor. . .becoming more narcissistic, blaming, projection. . .anything to avoid feeling worthless again.  When shame kicks in he becomes the victim and the self-loathing, self-pity, feeling of worthlessness comes out and what does he do to make himself feel better - go back to rescuer  

As the article says if you don't take responsibility, accountability, and be honest with yourself . . you keep going around the victim triangle and you can never achieve true intimacy - and he couldn't

Sad thing is i think this is based in his childhood. . .but i don't know to what extent

Hi ... .

I am not in a RS to save anyone. My new partner does not need me to save her or anything like that.

Neither of us are victims ... .my question is are you ? We both made poor choices with RS's in the past and have grown. We both have moved on and are very happy together.

We are not playing some disordered game. Neither of us has had anything to do with either of our ex partners directly or indirectly for 9 months.

We are fully aware they are trying to drag us back into some drama circle and just want to be left alone. Simple as that.

Both of us have turned the cheek when repeated NC breach attempts have continued ... . between the two of us for 100 breaches of NC ... .neither of us has spoken directly to our ex's ... .communicated with them in any way or asked for this to continue. We have shown NO reaction.

Police ... been there and investigated this ... .police hate one thing above any other and thats domestic situations. Restraining orders frankly dont work and with people with a PD even less.

Yes I would agree my partner needs to deal with this issue herself.

It is however my perogative when someone is attacking my partner for whatever reason to take action. This is part of mutual support ... .not some need to save someone ... .but supporting your partner. Something healthy ... .not as you suggested something unhealthy.  

Yes you may see me being backed into a corner ... .literally ... .and maybe having to take action as


This sadly says to me more about you than it does about me.

Do you want to punish your ex ? I honestly couldn't care about either of them I am indifferent other than the ongoing attacks.

We sadly have been ignoring the breaches and now they have escalated was hoping I suppose for some support or constructive advice which yes continuing to ignore them is one ... .other ones yes helpful.

Stessed ? not really ... .I can see however the effect the continued rubbish is having on my partner. Do I ignore it as you suggest ? Ignore her being attacked ?  If I was to do this ... .ignoring the needs to some extent of my partner in what IS a healthy relationship ... .it would then be a less than healthy relationship.

I have been in a relationship where there was no respect and no support and having found a healthy one I suppose asking what you would do ?




Feeling ? Hmm ... .your ex for 15 years who abused you in every way you can think of turns up where you work and torments you ... .


Bit different from feeling vs a reality of him being there.


yep ... .she has ... .up until now ... .and its escalated not diminshed. Hence my dillema ... . or as you would say its her problem not mine.

It is mine if I make it mine ... .and if as you suggest I am playing some game having not played at all for the last 9 months and 100 breaches of contact ... .some awful villifaction about what I supposidly did or she did ... .we turned the cheek to all of this ... .and instead of getting better via no action its not ... .but worse ... .I choose to possibly take action.

Simple as that.


Every relationship people come with baggage ... we all have scars and expecting an adult over the age of 40 not to have some past is stupid.

Some who have an awful RS via a BPD partner ... or past will choose to spend the rest of their lives usuing this as an excuse as to why they never get involved again.

My new partner and myself learnt and grew from our previous RS and yes it left scars but also boundaries for what we would no longer tolerate in our lives. This is one of them. A mutual belief ... .we should be allowed to live our lives unhindered by abuse.

This message post has been a demanding one to read and understand. All I can say is that if he's harassing your ex, then file a formal complaint against him in writing at the local police station. If it continues, get a restraining order. He's not harming either of you, it's harassment. Let it go, follow legal steps and forget about revenge.

I'm very proud of my reputation within my circle of friends, and my exBPDgf has been saying all sorts about me on Facebook. At first I wanted to fight back, tell everyone what she had done, but instead I just put something along the lines of "There are two sides to every story, but I won't splash them all over facebook because that isn't what I'm about."

No names, no specifics, and I'm so glad I did. I can tell it's 'worked' because she is replying to loads of our mutual friends trying to play the victim, but has time has passed,  it's become clear to them who the 'bad' person was, most hardly respond to her any more, keep her at arms length.

They have no boundaries and people can tell who is the one who is full of drama.

This worked or me. Rise above it.  |iiii

Hi Roger Rabbit ,

Yep ... same.

Did and have done so ... .its always hard to be villified and turned into some monster or the bad person. Did rise above this and not respond. A lot of what was told now I find amusing the absurdity of it  :)

Was hard in the beginning with mutual friends going either side of the fence and went ... .ok. Whatever.

Dont need to lift a finger in any respect on that side ... .honestly dont care what others may believe and its their choice to do so.

Like you without doing anything most have come to the correct conclusion and even then honestly dont care about the others.

We find out who our friends are at times like this. Not being on our side or anything so petty. Most rightly don't honestly care and do not want to be involved. Sadly some were cruel in the extreme being told rubbish which left them no choice but to form a negative opinion or condone some fictional story they were told. Even this didn't work as eventually it has come back and bit the story teller via other means when their past RS and similar stories told were total fabrications ... .

As you said there are always two sides to a story and two perceptions of what happened and somewhere in between is the truth. For me and my new life can only live that according to my values and goals and move forward.

Having my ex's best friend ... .her mother ... .and many others come and actually take the time to tell me the truth of her past was sad ... .


For my new partner ... .she didn't have the same sort of experience ... it was as though her mutual friends dissapeared totally for a while and now they are slowly coming back. In many ways they accepted stories at face value as truths and even absurd ones.

Current situation nothing to do with this ... .we are happy and living our lives ... .very happy with each other.

Hopefully the direct stuff stops.  I just dont care about my ex ... .and am indifferent to their plight ... .So too my partner ... .  about her ex.

Not about justice ... .or karma or revenge ... even what is right or wrong ... .  happy with where the dice falls on all of that.

Just about stopping the NC and continued harrasment. Police not a realistic option.

Oh well will crawl back into my hole with this one and hope they go away 

No, it's about your question. I directed my response to your post:

"I have the ability to change both their lives by making some information published on the internet about them public and it would frankly change their lives ... .revenge ... .and its tempting to change their lives totally and having problems dealing with this dilemma.

Essentially think if the information was to become known to their employer they would lose their job. They shouldn't be working in that job not with their history and again shows how little remorse someone with a PD actually has.

Struggling with this issue ... .do I ... .or don't I ?"

Hi 2010,

Obviously I don't ... .

Its been a struggle for a while moving thru anger ... .and all the stages in the meantime being contacted virtually on a weekly basis ... defamed ... .villified and the rest. Like most have not responded despite the temptation and ammo.

Don't care about them now but yep when i started this thread was dealing with revenge side ... .basically hitting out to try and make it stop ... .the contact, the villification ect.

Have become pretty immune to it myself as my ex cannot force the issue and make it become direct. I hang up, changed phones ... .moved ... .blocked FB ... .trash emails ... .and ignore.

Quite different for my current partner. Sadly any way she turns its not good. Police only inflame people like this.

In the end obviously despite holding the power to remove the annoyance I have not acted and honestly unlikely to.

Its like and insect on your arm ... .and yes sadly it is annoying ... .some will act and squish it without a second thought. Others might brush it off ... .  try this 100 times and the temptation to stop it coming back via squishing it is my own anology. It would be with regret ... .and frankly they are not worth it even the minimal effort.

The bug sadly after being brushed off and ignored 100 times has decided to sting me or more be more accurate my partner. If this is revenge or some sort of justice  ? ... .  when I saldy suspect it will get up and sting again ... .I am at a loss to understand this concept its revenge or me punishing it ?  Yes the end result will be changing their life but not done out of anger ... or some concept of punishment... . I need an outcome and left with little choice.

We shall see ... .its been brushed off for time number 101 despite stinging this time.

Do I or don't I ? at 102 ... .or 103 ... .or 104 ? eventually saldy and with regret there comes a time.

Since I have been having this debate with myself over many months and not acted this in itself might tell you something ? Its not about payback ... .or justification ... .or even karma ... certainly not revenge ... .certainly not as you suggested to punish ... .or defame for the sake of it.

Its an insect thats now drawing blood and despite ignoring and every other technique know keeps coming back.

Interesting how one acts in times of extreme provication and happy with  myself  no matter what happens from here.

Its not two wrongs never make a right or anything rational ... .we are dealing with people sadly with PD's and yes they deserve compassion and our remorse for their plight ... .  however applying logic or boundaries has failed to get either of us anywhere.

I am at peace with whatever the solution finally turns out to be.

Stay cool 

Glad to hear it truly amazed... .it does seem to be causing you some turmoil.  Innit funny how one person can make you SSSOO mad!  I feel the better person for learning to not let him do that to me anymore (mostly!).

 

Hi,

Yep ... .not mad ... .hurt I suppose ... .again back into that triangle as 2010 put it ... .in a role I dont want to be in. Possible persecutor.

It is a role I refused to play during my RS with my ex ... .didn't raise my voice and was a doormat. Even with extreme provication.

I choose ... .I choose as someone who has learnt and grown far beyond the BPD saga not to take this role. its tempting ... .was tempting when i was healing ... .was tempting when i was hurt ... .

Now I suppse I will take a pass because I can. Will try and brush the fly off a few more times and hope it goes away.

In that triangle played the rescuer ... .and the victim of abuse ... .

Dont really put any stead in some of these things because in most situations in life from everday interactions to actual conflicts it can be put into these three categories. At some point looking to hard into interactions just makes you go crosseyed.


Same with BPD ... .whilst having been hurt ... .confused ... .depressed ... .abused ... .and all the rest post BPD. I like most was left asking myself was it me ? Blamed and believing it was my fault why the RS broke down and taking 100% of the blame ... .playing the victim to the tee ... .well not playing it ... .bamboozled totally.

Reality is everyone to some extent has these BPD traits ... .and its a unique and sad mixture that makes a BPD person in the end. A combination of missing ingredients that totals 9 ... .some of the criteria I certainly can relate to but I dont use them as a weapon and they are not the driving force in every daily interaction ... .


Many thanks for all the responses and help  |iiii


As with everything its a learning experience and having made have good look at myself ... .my values and what I stand for I am happy with whatever happens from here.


Thansk again and good luck with your individual journey