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I met with counselor today.  I told her about the incident where he choked me that night after going out with our friends.  I told her with ease, but then like it flashed in my mind and I started tearing up and almost crying my eyes out.  Even she said though that I had a glow about me and seemed happier.

My bph has been eerily quiet.  It's very calming when I don't hear from him.  He recently kind of had a meltdown and said it was because he didn't have his medicine.  I honestly enjoy the no contact.  If it wasn't for the kids and having to divorce him, I would had ghosted him weeks ago.

I went out Saturday with my girlfriend.  We had a lot of fun.  Met some new people, had a lot of laughs, even ended up riding a mechanical bull.  I have been socializing more. 

I have even settled in more comfortable with the shelter.  Most of the ladies have been here about the same time as me.  The transition has helped me.  I don't feel so alone.  I know the women here have been through some bad things and they are trying to make it just like me.  There is some sort of comfort in that.

I am moving forward and not feeling so broken.  I know I have a lot of healing to do, but for the simple fact that his beautiful words hold no sway over me anymore is a huge step.

How are you feeling?

I feel like at the end of today, I received a swift kick in the behind from the universe.  Good and bad. 

I met with the guy helping me with my resume and job hunt.  He talked about, how things would happen when they were supposed to. Right before I went to a job fair, I received a call from a hotel I interviewed with and start tomorrow.  My girlfriend have me a bunch of cute outfits that didn't fit her anymore. Then a friend I had been talking to and maybe liking a bit because he gave me attention, appeared to ghost me.

I attempted to just say, hey, what's up?  But the email couldn't be found and then the message on a phone app wouldn't send.  First I thought that it was my phone, but then I sent other emails/messages to other people, no problem.

I laid down to my sleeping S3 and he cuddled up next to me.  I laid there and went over the day.  I feel today was significant.  It was a gain and a loss.  I feel it couldn't be anymore clear that something was looking out for me.  Whatever you believe.  Almost like the universe said.. you need this and this.. you don't need this.

I try to be gentle and patient with myself.  The things that I have been through with my exbph and the fact that I still get up every day and try hard to take care of everything I have to.. is amazing.  In just a month, my entire life has been flipped right side up.  I am finally on the path to true happiness.

    It’s good to listen clearly to the messages we are getting that are guiding us with clarity, compassion, and kindness.

What is happening here?

I needed someone to talk to.  He was there.  He was treating me like a human being.  Odd thing is, he messaged.  Asked if I was ignoring him, when I didn't reply, he said I take that as a yes and said it was fun while it lasted.  I tried to message and my app wouldn't let me.  I had already let go of the need for the attention.  It may just be the app acting up, but I feel it's not letting me message because there is something guiding me.  I also reflected on what he said.  That is a red flag and I am glad now I can't talk to him.

I dropped the hotel job.  They hired me under false impressions.  I went to a fast food chain I worked for before and I ended up running in my old boss who is now the store manager.  She said she can hire me on immediately as a manager and make the same pay as the hotel.  It is by far what I wanted, but I am putting aside my pride and doing what I have to provide for my boys.  My time is limited at the shelter and I have to focus on saving money.  And the hours are better with my kids.

I said something to my stbx.  He finally said he didn't want to see me and didn't want to watch S3.  Said he wouldn't talk to me until I can be nice and he wasn't going to keep putting up with my negative attitude and being insulted.  Little does he know that he just gave me a blessing in disguise.  That said on his part makes me feel like the break is slowly happening on his end.  I feel he can sense that his pretty words and promises aren't giving any sway like they did every time before.

He says at some point I am choosing this (to be angry).  I said, you're right.  I am choosing this.  I am choosing to have a happier and healthier life.