BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone,

It's been years since I was last on here. Last week, my uBPDexbf decided to reappear in my life and try to "win me back." Long story short- I lived four years of hell with him until I went NC in 2009. Two years of therapy helped me regain my life and be healthy and happy again. Now, out of the blue, he texted me, saying he's realized how dumb he was, blah blah blah.

I'm not buying any of it, and I'm sticking with NC. That's not the issue. What hurt is that my best friend, the one person who was by my side throughout this whole mess, laid a HUGE guilt trip on me for not meeting him in person and giving him the opportunity to speak his mind and "pour out his heart to me." She said I am obviously still holding on to resentment, and she expected more from me, because he's clearly matured and never been able to move on from me. I've told her over and over again that the healthiest thing I did was go NC, close the door on that chapter in my life, and move on. I hold no resentment against my ex, but there's no reason to re-visit that chapter in my life.

It blows my mind. After everything that happened, she took HIS side, and now I'm the one being unreasonable and unfair for not giving him (and "us" potentially) a chance. But maybe I shouldn't be surprised. Back in 2009, when I brought up the possibility to her that my ex might have BPD, she didn't respond. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Has this happened to anyone else? That you're the one made to feel bad because you took the healthy option of disengaging from a toxic situation?

Peace and blessings,

Namo

Hi Namo,

I would have been devastated if this had happened to me.

It seems to me that your friend has no understanding of BPD at all and has fallen for his act.

In my opinion, if your ex has really made the changes necessary for him to be a loving partner, he will understand why you are reacting as you are and will accept that your reaction is quite reasonable in the circumstances. If he's never been able to move on from you, that's a big  red-flag as far as I'm concerned.

Love Lifewriter

No, this hasn't happened to me.  I don't have a friend like that.

Choosing to re-engage or not re-engage a former boyfriend is a very personal choice, of course. There is not a right or wrong here. Even if she thinks its a good idea (and she would do if if in your shoes), that doesn't mean it would work for you or be good for you.  You seem very resolved, and as you said the point is moot, your not going to see him.

My question is about your relationship with your friend. Its not uncommon for a friend to say "give the guy a chance" or "don't touch it with a 10 foot poll", and then sit back and let you decide.  Has it gone past that here?  Why do you think?

Hi namo,

I wouldn't be too hard on my friend because of her advice. I think Lifewriter hit it on the head, your friend probably has very little, if any, knowledge of BPD. Because of your friends ignorance, she is probably seeing your ex's reaching out strickly from a Non's perspective, "he wants to speak his mind, his heart." Because of your past experiences with him coupled with your knowledge of BPD, you know that there could possibly be other motivations/factors at play here.

You know what's best for you. Make your decision based on that priority. Whatever you choose to do, it should certainly be guilt free. (I hope your friend wasn't trying to force you into something by guilting you about it!)

Why do you think that she is siding with him? That's not clear to me in your OP.

I just wanted to offer some support by saying that I completely understand why you would not want to re-engage him.  I feel the same way about my ex-- some chapters are best left closed.  You know what's best for you.  Also, you don't owe him anything.

I agree with your opinion as well and as others have said the friend may not "fully" understand the situation or BPD.

Personally... .if I see my ex somewhere or see her coming toward me... .my only reaction in that moment is: "what actin do I need to take in this moment to protect myself and my emotions. I allow my fight or flight to take over and go from there".  I have never had this need in any other relationship that I have ever been in... .

I completely understand namo's need not to re-engage. That's TOTALLY a personal choice... .no matter what the friend thinks. We lived it... .the friend did not.

Yes, I was treated poorly for choosing NC. By the woman who is now my ex. Every single friend was supportive, kind of sad for me but also relieved, and, no, none of them were so against me for doing what was right for me. If so, I would be questioning our friendship, as you are.

What's your friend's story? Is she projecting a bit of, "Here's what I would do, given the chance," because that's a sore spot in her life? Or do you feel she just hasn't really heard you, or is thinking underneath it all you really want to work it out with this guy and would be a fool to toss away the 'romantic option', or... .? "You won't take his intensity? Here's mine."

It's up to you. This is your life. You get to share it with whoever you choose.