BPDFamily.com

I keep reading the stories on this board, and I am starting to feel hopeless.  Maybe I just need to quit reading on here.  The issues I am dealing with are so similar to the issues other people are dealing with, and yet reading others' stories I sense a huge frustration and hurt and hopelessness.  And then I realize again I am dealing with the exact same thing, and feel like the stories on this board are strong warnings. 

I'm by no means trying to "win", and by no means expect her BPD to go away.  I just want peace, and perhaps some sense of my old life back.  She is working on herself, but I am running low on patience, and am closely examining if I can continue on this course. 

But I am also pessimistic because I took her back following a physical abuse outburst after she begged and pleaded and promised she would get help for herself.  That led a few weeks later to her 10-day hospitalization for suicidal thoughts.  I felt like that would be the beginning of change. 

That was over two months ago, and little has changed.  She has lost her job and has no income.  She is 100% dependent on me emotionally and financially.  She seems incapable of finding a job and is waiting for disability money.  She's been on mood stabilizing medication, and her behavior is basically the same.  She seems incapable of basic life tasks such as cleaning and eating.  She still blames others and myself for her problems.  And she is completely enmeshed with me.  She claims she would die without me.  Her disposition is still 99% negative about nearly every subject.  She constantly talks about how much she hates herself, how depressed she is, and how she feels invalidated by almost everything and everyone.

I am pessimistic because two months after hospitalization and nothing has changed significantly.  She says she wants to get into a DBT program, but I am pessimistic about that even helping.  Sometimes I feel she just needs to have the willpower to overcome her own moods, and I am frustrated that she won't even make attempts to take care of herself.  Other people that were hospitalized at the same time as her are back to their jobs and doing okay.  She's 38 years old, and she claims she was much worse in the past.  But I see her a long, long way from being stable at all, and frankly, now knowing this has been her pattern since a teenager, I feel the chance of anything changing for the better is low. 

I've tried using SET and other techniques on here, with moderate success.  I've gone to counseling, with my counselor reminding me to not forget about myself, and reminding me that dealing with pwBPD rarely gets easier.  I'm tired of trying new ways to communicate.  using validation and SET makes me feel even more like I am walking on eggshells, because I have to carefully consider the meaning of all words before I say them.  It feels like I have to plan my conversations in advance. 

I'm just down right now.  I know I have options.  I just could use a bit of optimism. 

Hi maxsterling

I feel with you, being in a relationship with someone very negative can be very exhausting. 

And it sounds like some hope after her being in hospital is totally gone.

How is your own situation regarding some time for you without your wife to make some "feel-good" things? Like a hobby, seeing some friends - or did you stay away from all this bc of her not being well?

About the tools: Its not the idea to add more eggshells, no overload. Perhaps reducing to some genuine Validaton and not JADE, nothing more.

One idea could also be this book:  Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-caretaking-borderline-or-narcissist)

I hope this helps a bit. 

Wow, Surnia - I looked at the first few pages of that book on amazon and it pretty much exactly describes my situation.  I will definitely be finding that book to read.

Exhausted is exactly how I feel.  Every time there feels like a glimmer of hope, an inch of progress, something happens and I feel like I'm back at square one.  Yesterday was a very successful thanksgiving dinner with her friends over to our house.  And she wound up making plans with two of those friends to hang out today.  Thank God, I thought, she won't be dependent on me all day.  I was feeling optimistic - that maybe she was turning a corner, and I started to feel like this relationship may be able to progress to the next level.

But with an hour of me arriving to work again this morning, she was already calling, freaking out money, blaming me for her freak out because I said that we need to watch our money (she is not working, and she can't seem to stop spending).  And later she panicked, called the places she owes money to, then texted me her panic about being on hold, getting disconnected, not having money, feeling really low, hitting herself, not wanting to socialize with her friends, and so on, so forth. 

I've been working on detaching so that her nearly constant issues don't get to me.  I have plenty of hobbies, and I am doing my best to still find some time and money for them.   But sometimes it's just so hard to say "no" to someone I love whom seems so unstable and possibly suicidal. 

maybe i shouldn't post this in a 'pessimism' thread, but in the interest of honest dealing with BPD ... .


this was a major problem in my marriage. my w felt under no obligation at all to face her situations and do anything about them. weight, drinking, disorganization, her problems were either others' to fix, or to accept, or weren't problems. the idea that i should expect a highly intelligent person in her 40s to see to herself was deeply resented. and i got hugely frustrated by it and that w a bigger no-no that i could have known, as i was put on to her BPD only after she bolted (i thought she was just immature).

maxsterling i think this goes to the need for attachment that is at the core of BPD. i don't know if this attitude can be changed.