BPDFamily.com

I just got back from T, and he gave me a handout.  This is The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Psychopathy Educations chart of The Super Traits Comparison.

The column on the left are traits we nons have capacity for.  The right is our ill SOex's. A + means they have the capacity, and - means they do not.

What do you see in this chart that relates to your experience with dating a dangerous SO?

How do you relate to the these traits?

Do you see any traits that weren't obvious at the time, but in retrospect seem obvious in both you and your SO?

Can you think of any times where your SO tried to cover up the lacking traits? Did it fool you?

Which traits did you display, that were taken advantage of or exploited by your SO?

I found out a few things about me from this, I hope you can too.

You	Them
++ Excitement Seeking (Point of Attraction)	++Excitement Seeking
++Extraversion	++Extraversion
++Dominance	++Dominance
+Competitive	+Competitive
+Sentimentality	-Sentimentality
+Bonding	-Bonding
+Attachment	+Attachment
+How People Regard You	+How People Regard You
+Tolerance	-Tolerance
+Friendliness	+/-Friendliness
+Empathy	-Empathy
+Helpfulness	-Helpfulness
+Compassion	-Compassion
+Responsibility	-Responsibility
+Purposefulness	-Purposefulness
+Resourcefulness	-Resourcefulness
+Self-Acceptance	-Self-Acceptance
+Loyalty	-Loyalty
+Trust	-Trust

I've read many of Sandra Brown's books and she speaks to women involved with psychopathic partners. In my dealings with Borderlines during DBT, I saw attachment issues that don't resemble many of the psychopathic traits you list here.  Borderlines are not extraverted, dominant people, they are submissive, evaluating, avoidant, sentimental, passive-aggressive and have many defectiveness schemas that cause them to pretend rich fantasies that deny the reality of things- therefore they lie about things in order to protect themselves from the harm of reality.  Are you sure your partner was a Borderline?

BB&S - Your list seems pretty accurate to me.  As I go down the list, my dBPDstbxw fits the pluses and minus right on on every subject.  Kind of scary when I think about it.  Man I wish someone had pointed this out to me oh so many years ago.  I might have been able to save myself a lot of grief.  Then again, I wouldn't give back all the growth I've done in the last 9 months.

Me being a codependent, I have my own set of traits to deal with and I don't follow the non list as exactly as my W follows the BPD list.

So my question is, how do we spot some of these traits before we get entangled?  Things like tolerance and trust are observed over time I think.  Don't know.  I'm going to have to think on this a bit.  Thanks for the topic.

Excellent list.  Really makes it clear when you can compare things like that.

It mentions that Borderlines are extraverted, dominant people - I am not sure if this is the case either - it may be perceived that way but it comes down to intent. E.g I have a competitive streak but its not used to tear someone down for the sake of making myself look good - the reverse is true for Borderlines.

I think the list is oversimplified but accurate to a degree - as long we throw intent in there.

My ex (hi functioning) presented himself as all the things on the list, including the minuses. That is how he liked to see himself and any inadvertent, unintended hint from the outside world that he is not all that would lead to WWIII or at least extreme defensive measures. He is most certainly extroverted--life of the party to those who don't know him intimately (if such were really possible). He most certainly could not sustain the minuses over the long haul, and who knows how often he was engulfed with shame as a result--usually he would just line up a new victim so he could re-enact the list for a brief period. This did not fool everyone, however.

I do like excitement but I am an introvert. I am also loyal and trustworthy and things like that. Not sure that I am totally self-accepting or I wouldn't have been with a BPD! lol Have to ponder that one a bit.

Diotima

I do agree... .As for my BPDex, she was an extravert in certain cases, but almost always wanted to dominate a social situation, especially drunk. However, now that you throw intent in there... .I think she was doing this to make the situation something that was tolerable within her own anxieties.

There were a few things that did not match up in the list with my personal experience, but I wrote that off as not every BPD matches every criteria of the DSM...  (to keep it simple we will not worry about co-morbidity... .)

And 2010, my BPD ex is very sentimental, and had NO regard for how people thought of her... .She was very loyal, until she felt threatened by her own fears (which she recently confirmed... .)

My ex was very outgoing and controlling/dominant. He was evaluating (calculating), sentimental, passive agreesive, and avoidant of some things. but very much the "charming manipulator, salesman" type.

I thought BPD's generally were very controlling/dominant types.

JMH: there are two basic types of BPDs, the acting in and the acting out. My ex is very introverted and controlling and narcissistic and fancies himself quite the ladies man--charming manipulator. The acting in types (e.g., cutters) are less flamboyant. Both types are into control.

Diotima

Just wanted to add that I think it is also quite common for them to morph between these two types - my ex definitely morphed from "charming manipulator" to "acting in/cutter"-type in our relationship.

ps: I meant to say my ex is extroverted, not introverted.

Yes, they can sometimes morph, but mine did not.

Diotima

This is more my ex.


BPD

+++++Excitement Seeking

- Extraversion

- Dominance

- Competitive

-Sentimentality

+++Bonding

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Attachment

+++++++++How People Regard You

+/-Tolerance

+/-Friendliness

-Empathy

++Helpfulness

+/-Compassion

-Responsibility

-Purposefulness

++++++++Resourcefulness

- - - - - - -Self-Acceptance

-Loyalty

-- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -Trust

And me:

You

++ Excitement Seeking (Point of Attraction)

-Extraversion

++Dominance

-Competitive

+Sentimentality

+Bonding

++++++Attachment

++++How People Regard You

+++++Tolerance

+Friendliness

++++Empathy

+++Helpfulness

++Compassion

+++++Responsibility

++++++++Purposefulness

++++++Resourcefulness

+/-Self-Acceptance

+Loyalty

+/-Trust

My dxBPDxh was extroverted to extremes.  If I had to guess though I'd say the motive was avoiding being alone.  He could not stand to be alone for even an hour.  He does have co-dx though and I wonder sometimes which issues belong with which dx.  He would flipflop a lot between protector and victim.  My T says he has sociopathic traits.

Trax,

Your ex sounds like mine. The extreme extrovert with flipping between protector and victim--could not stand to be alone and being a charming extrovert was definitely the way to avoid being alone. Lots of overlap between sociopath and BPD in terms of effects but the motives differ, if we can call it that.

Diotima