BPDFamily.com

Am I doing the right thing?

You can read my backstory in the introduction area, but in summary I 'almost' cheated on my wife 2 yrs ago. Since then I've improved my own self-esteem, stopped being enmeshed and started 'owning' my own life. I'm feeling happier and more peaceful, but she's felt this as me moving away from her emotionally (abandonment), having less control over me and that I don't care about her.

Previously, I think I was enmeshed emotionally. I now take the stand that I care about her, and her emotions, but I don't have to SHARE and FEEL her emotions. I no longer own or am responsibility for her emotions. She hates this. She still believes that I CAUSE her to feel good/bad so therefore it's all up to me to MAKE her feel better.

Previously, I was also a doormat. Never speaking up about what i thought or felt, or disagreing with her. Now I do. I am aware that when we 'argue' there are many things she says that are just untrue - most of the time I let them slide (no point). But I've started picking her up on other things in the agruements. (A few days ago she asked how *I* felt about something. After 1 sentance she interupted me and raved for another paragraph. I smiled (she REALLY hates that) and said I was amused because although she asked me what I thought, it didn't seem she was interested in the answer. That completely set her off.

Straight after that, she kicked something, then stormed off. It was 10:30pm, so I went to bed. She came in 10 mins later saying that me going to bed whilst leaving her fuming shows that I don't care about her emotions. I didn't say it - but that's true! Although I care about her, and I really do feel bad that she has to go through all her pain, it is HER pain. I try to help where I can, and to be supportive, but at the end of the day I want HER to own it. Is that wrong?

She has "a lot of stuff we need to talk about" - saying that the marriage is days away from breaking. (She says she feels she can't express any feelings or emotion to me, she always has to watch what she says or I walk away, she's walking on eggshells around me, that everything seems to be about me, that I don't care about her feelings). We have 3 kids, so there's not much time to chat during the day. We can talk after they go to bed (from 7:30pm) and that gives at least 3 hrs. After then, I've had enough and want to go to sleep. But she's riled up and therefore can't sleep. So she's asking me to take time off work instead, so we can argue all day.  (That sounds like so much fun!) I've said no.

Is this her "last stand" to try to control me? Is this her seeing how far she can push? Is this her testing my emotional detachment - trying to make me jump through her hoops again?

Or is this me reading it all wrong - and failing to do what I need to do to repair my marriage? I HAVE reached the point where I don't care whether we stay together or not. Being single seems such a great idea at the moment. But we do have 3 kids and a hefty mortgage and I have no idea how  that could work.

To be honest you are doing fine. It is commonly called "detaching with love".

We need to do this to find our own space so that we can start making objective decisions rather than simply being reactive or avoiding.

It is a step many find hard to achieve without guilt, and goes against everything instinctive. But it is an important step.

At first it does go through a feeling of almost "not caring". That is the beginning of acceptance as after that things start to feel more like a choice rather than obligation. This goes a long way to countering resentment, which is the relationship killer.

You wife's reaction is an "Extinction burst" a natural reaction to change.

Does she mean it? In the moment yes, tomorrow maybe not. You can't base life decisons on what a pwBPD means in the moment. A pwBPDs moment=forever, but in reality moment=moment

The key to progress is to know your values, and be consistent. You cannot control your wife but you can control you.

There is a long way to go but it seems like a good start.

Thanks. I guess it feels uncaring of me because I've been told for so long that:

- her emotions are my fault

- I need to repair her and make her feel better

- that caring and loving her means feeling what she feels

Those reasons don't make logical sense to me, but tell someone enough times and they start to believe it... .

I want to be sure that I'm not just being a cold heartless uncaring prick.

You have tried, you are here, you have done more than most, you can only do your best... so you are not

Well, I think there is a difference between you needing to "fix" whatever is causing her emotions, and actually empathize. I think you could empathize, yet not feel the need to "fix" it? Maybe all she needs is for you to empathize? I know for me, with uBPDh, just him understanding how I feel would be huge(of course he is too narcissistic to try, or he just can't). I don't expect him to fix my feelings or emotions, but a little validation, like I give him, could go a long way in our marriage.

BPD can just absolutely wear a partner down. I feel like all I do is give, so I get where you are coming from. I'd like to get to the point where I simply don't care.

Hi ArleighBurke,

are you doing the right thing? Absolutely!

Are you going about it in the right way? Yes but maybe you are pushing a little hard. From her reaction is sounds like there is a lot of change pushed to your wife and she is not coping so well at the moment. Of course she is rallying against it and you are seeing extinction bursts going on.

It is always a balancing act of taking a hard stance on our boundaries and pushing so hard that things crack. The problem is of course that once you committed to pushing hard you don't want to back down as you are getting intermittent re-enforcement and that is harder to overcome than the original problem.

When it comes to boundaries having clear and clean rules is the goal. B&w is easy to understand particularly at the beginning for both sides. The sky is however at some days grey. In some places one can be flexible if there are e.g. true extenuating circumstances or an advance of trust. Good boundaries are a clear line but also flexible and intelligent.

Another important aspect of boundaries is that they need to be grounded in values. This allows us reason about their priorities, whether and where we compromise.


Last but not least boundary introduction need to be complemented with validation. Boundaries have an impact on the relationship that can free centrifugal forces. Validation is a connecting skill that counters this in a healthy manner.