BPDFamily.com

So basically I have been trying to gain myself some space, some time to be me, some  time to think,
Some time that’s not focused around him. I guess he has felt really abandoned but I’ve lost way to much of myself to keep putting my all into a relationship that doesn’t even make him or me happy.

I snapped at him tonight over onions. He for once didn’t even blow up or rage just said ok I’m gonna leave you to it. When the kids were put to bed he asked why I’ve basically been distant, I explained I need space, I need time to be me. I’m finding everything a massive struggle. He started saying he knows I don’t want to be with him etc and I couldn’t lie, I mean I’ve lost a lot of myself in this relationship but I like to be an honest person so I told him I don’t.

He took it pretty well, he said he’ll start looking for somewhere to live, he was understandably upset. I am also very broken hearted. I don’t know if I should of lied and got the book splitting 1st to mentally prepare myself for what’s to come. How do you think this weekend will go now?  I’m also worried about him turning me completely black and trying to get me to be the one who leaves the house, I guess I’ll have to stand my ground and if need be call for reinforcements. I feel a mixture of relief and over whelming loss for our relationship and our family. I still don’t even know  if I’m making the right decision but I either need to be all in or all out and all in was definitely not working for my mental health. Please could I get some feedback on this to get through the weekend at least

It sounds as if you’re feeling clear about what you want and what you can endure, but at the same time feeling sorrowful for the loss of what you hoped the relationship could be and how it will impact your family.

Yes definitely. I spent the majority of yesterday crying and finding it hard to keep it together. Our youngest kept wiping my tears telling me everything’s going to be ok and that made me feel worse because I don’t want him around this upset. He needs to save the money for a deposit for a flat and find somewhere to move into which I don’t mind but also hope it doesn’t turn into a stalling tack tick. I feel like so much resentment has built up in me that I didn’t realise just how devastated I am for it to have come to this so shortly after us getting married. I am so angry with this illness for robbing me of my Husband, does that make sense. It’s all just terribly sad. I hate to think of him by himself too when that’s he’s worse nightmare. I am worried about how the children will react and also how to live just me without my best friend

You recently got married? How long have you been together? And what are the ages of your children?

Do you think he won’t participate in the children’s lives if he doesn’t live in the same house?

Can you imagine living apart and coparenting?

We have been together for nearly 13 years and married for 3 years in July. He started gambling 2 months after and I found out in July - August. He’s always been passive aggressive so I guess that left him off the radar in terms of me searching to see what could be up. When I kept demanding our bank statements was when he started splitting and projecting things back onto me and I had to move out because it was too toxic, that made the splitting worse I didn’t understand what on earth was going on at the time and I was on the verge of a break down. I’m confident he will be involved with the children but whether he would be able to live anywhere near us with the rent prices isn’t looking likely. He has been a good father and he’s never split on
them. He has also been having therapy, 1st group therapy and then one to one and now he’s going onto psychotherapy.

I have been having my own therapy and my therapist says I have an enmeshed relationship and we are trauma bonded. He has always need a lot of emotional support but thankfully he hasn’t been overly controlling maybe in a few small areas but nothing like I’ve read on there boards. I’m very confused by it all really and that’s a lot to do with not even understanding what’s normal and what’s not normal in a relationship. I’ve always been extremely close to my husband but in therapy it’s coming out that isn’t normal but then what is?  then it’s also in my mind
Was we close if I couldn’t grasp he had gambled nearly all of our money away. He also was trying to make out o was crazy and it was all in my imagination and that I was the reason we had no money which made no sense. He also used to have full control of the finances and when I had to take over,
that caused so much more splitting which has calmed down enormously now. It all the lies that led me to having to split up, I can’t trust him and to be honest I don’t even want to give him the opportunity to devastate me all over again but how do I get to that place where the split doesn’t also devastate me. I am so deeply hurt by the last few months and I also feel scared when he splits, I am truly confident he would never harm me,
he’s never done anything like that but my own childhood trauma and C ptsd provokes an instinct to get far away when he’s like that

The ages of children are 19 (away at Uni) 17, 11,9 and 3

Many of us who’ve found ourselves in relationships with partners who have BPD have grown up in homes with a parent or sibling who has a personality disorder or have experienced traumatic situations as a child.

Because of that, we didn’t notice red flags earlier in the relationship that might have been glaringly obvious to someone who had a more emotionally healthy upbringing.

You wonder what a healthy relationship even is. Well, here’s a good article:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships