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Title: Boundaries+Validation Post by: Soul_Driven on January 22, 2020, 04:03:20 PM My partner has BPD, Bipolar, ADHD and ODD. Bipolar is a new diagnosis after a manic/psychotic episode and is currently under a section on an acute psychiatric ward. My focus is around his BPD symptoms. He is outwardly aggressive, blames others, flirts with others and struggles with engulfment.
I understand validation, everyone deserves to have their emotions.I still struggle with validation, I am human and he is hurtful. It is boundaries I struggle with more and that is probably because I am a codependent (I am working on this) and of course that has contribute to our challenges. When my pwBPD lashes out and blames me for everything, including his psychosis. I say "I feel hurt and undervalued. I need some time to myself tonight and won't be taking any calls. We can speak tomorrow" and added "I do not think you are a bad person, it is just the behaviour that has upset me". Then I noticed his abandonment fears kick in and he starts ringing me constantly, sending me messages. First calling me emotionally manipulative, then apologising, then being sweet and then coming up with some crisis he needs help with. Do I continue enforcing my boundary or because he is apologising stop? How do I come back after enforcing my boundary? I have been reflecting a lot, I notice that I have a lot of resent towards my partner because I have given in a lot which hasn't been helpful to either of us. Even now after supporting him through hospitalization I expected more gratitude for "saving him" when that was completely my choice. It doesn't help that he is flirtatious to others, even a guy on the ward he has been flirting with but he isn't attracted to men so it proves its linked to his mental health. Title: Re: Boundaries+Validation Post by: pursuingJoy on January 23, 2020, 08:29:50 AM When my pwBPD lashes out and blames me for everything, including his psychosis. I say "I feel hurt and undervalued. I need some time to myself tonight and won't be taking any calls. We can speak tomorrow" and added "I do not think you are a bad person, it is just the behaviour that has upset me". Then I noticed his abandonment fears kick in and he starts ringing me constantly, sending me messages. First calling me emotionally manipulative, then apologising, then being sweet and then coming up with some crisis he needs help with. Do I continue enforcing my boundary or because he is apologising stop? How do I come back after enforcing my boundary? I can relate to this pattern! :hug: It helps to stay calm when they're not, and to follow through. If you stated that you would speak tomorrow, I would wait until the following morning. When you respond, do so with the same steady, clear and loving tone you used to set the boundary. Let them know you'd be happy to assist with the crisis if appropriate. Slowing down our responses is something that allows us to gather our thoughts, and it allows them time to self-soothe. I have been reflecting a lot, I notice that I have a lot of resent towards my partner because I have given in a lot which hasn't been helpful to either of us. Even now after supporting him through hospitalization I expected more gratitude for "saving him" when that was completely my choice. The pwBPD in my life is my MIL. There have been times I've gone way out of my way to help her and do special things. It didn't even occur to me that she never expressed gratitude until I was accused of not caring about her. We know that BPD's have an endless bucket of need. It wouldn't matter if I spent thousands of dollars, smothered her with attention and let her move in with us. It would never be enough because of the disordered way of thinking. She's not trying to be ungrateful or difficult. She is incapable of soaking up love that is offered and allowing it to nourish. She either overlooks, downplays, ignores or rejects (fear of engulfment) or hungrily demands more. Do you see this too? I've tried to focus on what I value (eg, it's important to me that I support my husband and do what is within my power to facilitate a healthy relationship with his mother). My values guide me as I determine next steps. Does it help to identify what you value and want to protect as it relates to your relationship with your partner? We're here. pj |