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Title: Stepfather who adores stepdaughter but needs to end relationship with mother Post by: john3000 on August 15, 2017, 12:09:35 PM Hi everyone. I'm in a tough spot. I have been in a relationship with someone in the BPD spectrum for ten years now. The first five were brutal, and I stuck around to protect my partner's daughter. I love her deeply, once loved her mother deeply (I still feel love for her, but there's a lot of caretaker mentality happening in my mind), and feel a very real connection. Despite a lot of efforts, a lot of different strategies, it's simply not tenable. My own mental health is at stake. I want to be a part of their lives, especially her daughter, I have a good relationship with her biological, which is a big deal, but I cannot seem to find a way to get her to commit to real and lasting therapy. My SO is a smart person, very charming, but she is emotionally abusive to me. I feel she has an opportunity to change her life, to view the world differently, if she just accepts that she needs to work on this, but, again, easier said than done. It's heartbreaking to see someone so close to being able to manage their world. She as all of the tools she needs to improve her dark view of the world, and to shift the actions of others as something that is simply a result of individuals thinking differently than ehr, vs individuals who think differently ATTACKING her beliefs. There's a lot of defensiveness and paranoia.
Am I thinking the impossible? Is there a constructive way to guide her towards a scenario where therapy is an absolute must do? I'm terrified, she has threatened to hurt herself, and the responsibility of her going through with it is destroying me. I'm stuck. Title: Re: Stepfather who adores stepdaughter but needs to end relationship with mother Post by: livednlearned on August 15, 2017, 04:13:17 PM Hi john3000,
Welcome and hello :) It is a tough spot, and I'm glad you found the site. Maybe we can walk with you through some of this so you aren't doing this alone. How old is your partner's daughter? Has your partner been diagnosed BPD or received any treatment? When she threatened to hurt herself, what happened? Sorry for the barrage of questions. Trying to get a better handle on where things are. Hang in there. These are tough relationships and like you say, mental health can take a deep hit. How do you take care of yourself? This is a pretty important part of being in a BPD relationship. Title: Re: Stepfather who adores stepdaughter but needs to end relationship with mother Post by: ForeverDad on September 07, 2017, 10:10:26 PM How does your state view StepParent rights after separation or divorce? Probably most say the relationship legally ends and so a lot would depends on what the mother is willing to do. Do you think the Bio father would cooperate with you? Problem is, that might be a bit dicey if you can't count on him to be on your side even when mother is on the rampage.
I don't know the age of your SD but there is risk that if SD continues in contact with you then her mother might make nasty obligations. Think Children's Protective Services, police, etc. So post-marriage contact probably should be kept to public scenarios, especially if mother can pressure her daughter to echo her allegations. Better safe than sorry. |