BPDFamily.com

I hate updating my T every week and only spending the last 1/3 of the session on me. Like a waste of money, but I guess it helps.

My last assignment was to write everything I knew about my birth family. He said a maximum of ten pages. I was adopted by my mom when I was not quite 2.5 years of age (looking at pictures of me in foster care and when my mom got me triggers me to remember it). I went from mother and father, to grandparents, to foster care, to my mom in that time. My parents gave me up for adoption because they were drug and alcohol abusers. That ultimately was my birth mother's demise... .in the sadly stereotypical Native American way. She was actually adopted off of the reservation. In retrospect, I did have some signs of avoidant attachment, but being the Lonely Child (self-soothing), adopted by a mother plagued by Depression and also having some BPD traits, here I am today :^|

Despite being emotionally drained by the mistaken text my X sent to me the other night, meant for her boy-toy, writing my story down helped me immensely. After a short introduction, I came up with about a page just on my birth family and foster care. Then I started writing everything I knew about my mom's horrible childhood (sexual, physical, emotional abuse, being fully orphaned by the time she was 14 and emancipated by the time she was 16) because I think that is even more relevant to the person who I am.

I left a lot out, trying to be succinct, yet accurate, and made some parenthetical asides about psychology, with some metaphysics tossed in for flavor. I am up to six pages and third grade. I think if I continued, the later experiences are more relevant and I would slow down. It might take me a few weeks, depending upon the time I have, but I could easily get up to 50 pages to end at this day. Might be worth something to think about.

And no, I'm not mirroring what she does--- I'm a more of a writer and a definitely a reader unlike her, because she writes to herself, and could never face writing about her childhood without having a mental breakdown. I'm writing it to the world.

Maybe something like this would help some of you to understand who we are and why we are here. YMMV.

Wow, Turkish, that is amazing!  I can see how that would be very therapeutic and give perspective. I was just thinking today about my own family dynamics and how much I've been influenced by my parents' early lives.

This kind of reflection really takes you on a journey.  Thanks for sharing, and keep up the great work!  :)

A great project. Love it.

And there is a shift of focus.  |iiii


And I realized not long ago here that you are a great writer  :)

Keep going. And thank you for sharing.

Thank you, Surnia  *). I might post sections of it to some board if that's allowed, names redacted of course. Whipped out another page or two last night, up to fifth grade.

 :)

Turkish, that is awesome on so many levels.  Obviously, it helps so so much for you to flesh out the parts of your history that made you vulnerable to the relationship with a pwBPD.  I say that doing so also helps reduce the stigmas that (sadly), our society and even the medical community have about mental illness.  The destructive ripple effects of addiction, abuse, mental illness, etc., left untreated are horrible and continue to lay waste to each new generation.  You're doing your part in breaking the cycle. 

  Published or not, what you're doing is fabulous, and it sounds like you'll continue no matter what.

  I feel that I've always found it easier to heal if I'm open about all of my demons, and my shortcomings; again, those things which make us totally vulnerable to unhealthy relationships AND the struggles we have in detaching and healing from the pwBPD.  |iiii

Thanks, lightswitch. I don't really get emotional writing about those things, many of which are horrible. I tried to convince myself years ago that I was Schizoid, since I was unemotional about a lot of things. I write the things that happened, with parenthetical comments about what I was feeling at the time. I realized it was a coping mechanism I developed in infancy and childhood, due to so much turmoil and change of parental figures. The upside to my BPD relationship, I think as others here have said, is that it forces us to introspect as never before. No crying yet... .that might come when I make it to current events, though I've been a lot better in the past two weeks :^)

I actually told her she could read it if she wanted to. I noticed last night that she scrolled down to the second page... .still on my adoptive mother's background.

Then I thought, "to heck with her, she knew me 6 years and I never felt 'safe' talking to her about a lot of things because the negative history triggered the pain inside of her so she would often shut me down and change the subject." That, and she would probably share it with her paramour, to get him (whom she says was also in foster care... .not sure if that is a lie or true) to understand her and me. So I password encrypted the file and closed it. She deserves nothing more from me. Until I might publish it (probably in fictional form, which would probably take me years to write if at all), and my view of everything will be brought to the light of day. Hopefully, I'm well healed by then, and won't find it necessary though. Too many others are involved, and I can handle my pain, but not inflicting it on others.