BPDFamily.com

OK so it is coming close to the moment I have been thinking about for years.

Now that its almost arrived I am feeling doubts and fear. No matter how bad a relationship is - leaving is not easy. So yes I am still hear conflicted and tolerating it - thats why I posted here.

However - my long term plan now my son is virtually independent - is to move on and start afresh.

She is worse than ever - all my strategies failed - our relationship has dried up. I see her start to panic sometimes - empty nest syndrome. On top of that I am showing no interest in her. She asks me sometimes - why dont you make love to me - I dont know what to say - I blame it on my age(55). If she was sweet and nice - reasonably well balanced - it would be different. How can I tell her that.

Me and her living alone just the two of us - its going to get worse. Son is here right now for the summer. Once he's gone in september - she's gonna be even more unbearable than she is now. I dont think I will last even though I have shown remarkable ability to ensure suffering over the years.

She is starting to develop paranoid delusions too. Over silly things. She is trying to lose weight.

"You have saboutaged the scales!" she will shout. "I was 55 yesterday and now I am 59. "What have you done to the scales!"

So we go out and buy some new scales - at home they show the same reading. So now we have 2 scales. No more sabotage accusations though.

"Why are you always ruining my self esteem! Stop bullying me!"

Whats even worse is we are in debt - I have reached agreements with my creditors and paying off slowly. I have a business which is starting to do very well - I have to be up at 6 in the morning - if she thinks I am taking it easy she flies into a rage. I think this will eventually push me out as she is checking on me all the time. I work at home. If I don't appear to be doing something useful - then it's trouble. I work more or less from 6 all the way until 10 in the night. Its not too bad - at least I dont have to spend time with her when Im working.

This is such a mess.

Even my son is telling me to pull myself together and leave her this year.

You’ve been here for a while. Have you learned the tools that we teach here? You say all your strategies have failed and things haven’t improved? You are hesitant to leave, yet that’s your plan now. You fear things getting worse after your son leaves the house.

What are your considerations about leaving?

What are your worries about staying?

Can you imagine things improving with counseling?

Setting boundaries does not work - it only causes rapid acceleration. I would need to leave the house and drive away and come back 2 days later as a sanction and I'm not prepared to do that. She is prepared to go to extremes to enforce her will. She has me beat there and she knows it.

My worries about staying is its pretty much futile - its not the life I want.

Going will be tough because I know she will resort to threats etc to get me to return.

Families operate on a balance and when there is a change, the balance changes. The "empty nest" is a readjustment for all involved- whether someone has BPD or not. In a dysfunctional family, each person takes on a role, that somehow balances the family in a way, even if the role is dysfunctional. Once your son leaves, you will be alone in the house with your wife 24/7 with nobody else around. This changes the dynamics even in a family without BPD.

I am not going to tell you to stay or leave. The time for that is when you decide this is what you want to do, if you do decide. However, I think there are things you can do to get some time to yourself to think, take care of yourself. I don't think it is good for you to be in the house with her alone 24/7 only working long hours with no time to take care of your own needs. I would not think this was a good thing to do for any couple. We all need some time to ourselves.

IMHO, whatever you decide in the future, I would suggest you begin to carve some aspect of your work life for yourself. If you could rent a small office, arrange to meet colleagues at their office, get some coffee and work from Starbucks in the morning are some ideas. This gives you the chance to take a break, away from her scrutiny. Self care is crucial in any relationship, and especially one that is demanding on your time and emotions.