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A dream I had last night was really a gut punch. I dreamed I was preparing to physically cheat on my husband with a famous person in his home town. We were on our way to my hotel. What's funny is that I wasn't at all concerned about cheating on my uBPDh in this dream. I very much wanted to do so (which is so not the kind of person I am IRL). However, I was more concerned with what people in his circle would think of me, or what his family would think - and, of course, his wife. He was driving my van, which was filled with all sorts of beverage boxes: soda, beer, etc., and I was hiding in the back. However, we drove by where his wife was shopping in an open-air market, and, even at night, she spotted him. She was angry at him, pulled him out of the van by his shirt and was beating on him, and then she started crying. I felt very sympathetic to her feelings of betrayal. I sat next to her on the curb, while she put her head in her hands, incredulous to what was going on. I told her that I understood exactly how she felt, as I had been cheated on by every man I'd ever been with (which is true IRL). He eventually left with her and I felt sad that I wouldn't even be allowed to be friends with him anymore because I enjoyed his company. It was a very sad, empty feeling in the end.

There's a lot to unpack here, and I've kind of been doing that all morning. I realize that, at 39, I still have a lot of opportunity ahead of me when it comes to my life and finding a kinder, healthier relationship. There's a part of me that deeply longs for that, and sometimes I feel like I could almost emotionally get away with putting my needs first. The shame in the dream was absolutely tied to the feelings I feel when he lashes out at me or blames me for not being a supportive wife, as well as probably the guilt factor at wanting to put myself first. The anger was definitely anger I feel toward him, feeling betrayed and aggrieved by his BPD. Also, I think it ties to the online flirting incident from last year that came to my attention last month. Finally, the sadness I felt was grieving the good parts of the relationship, but also I think I realized that it was for the best.

The dream has given me kind of a different way to look at my feelings and where they come from.  I need to do some more journaling on this, but it's good to think it through. I remember how deeply I longed to put my needs first and that's something I need to lean into. I think that's the key to getting to where I can let go.

That's some dream!  Do you normally remember your dreams, especially in such detail.


Can you clarify a bit what you were talking about in the last line.  What was for the best?

Has anything else been said/discussed about the online flirting incident?  IMO that's a big thing in your thinking.

Has he put that money back he promised to?

Best,

FF

Hey WEW, Right, that's your task.  What is the right path for you?  It's not selfish to pay attention to one's own needs.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

Ah, yes, I am known for my elaborately detailed dreams - they totally play out like movies and a lot of the times they feel real.

As for the "it was for the best" line - in my dream I knew that letting him go was the right thing to do. I think that was probably my emotional self letting go of my husband.

Regarding the flirting, he admitted he had felt lonely. I have no reason to believe that he is continuing to flirt with people and I have no way of knowing, unless someone else contacts me, so I've let it go.

He has not put back the money, but he's been very sick for the past couple of weeks since we got back, so he hasn't worked. He just went back today.

Have you healed from it?

How has your hubby helped you heal?

What is your T's opinion of where you are on this issue?

Best,

FF

Are you feeling like your emotional self and your intellectual self are reaching accord?

I have recovered from it. I don't know if healed is the right word. I do believe my H when he says he felt lonely at that time and he wasn't really intending to cheat. Thinking about it just makes me feel sad. I think I have healed as much as one can do, but that doesn't mean that bringing it up doesn't still hurt.

My T seems to believe that H isn't the type of BPD who goes out and cheats. He's more of a clingy type. She says, while there are BPDs who definitely have infidelity issues, he is not that kind. We didn't talk about it much after we hashed it over. We had other things to discuss.

I definitely feel like they're getting closer. I still have to deal with the fear, but I think that's the biggest barrier for me right now.

What are you afraid of? What’s the worst thing that could happen?

Barrier to what?

What's on the other side of that wall?

Best,

FF

I'm still figuring out exactly what I'm afraid of.

Part of me is afraid of just doing the deed - ripping of the band-aid - because of the hurt that will pour out of him and myself. In his view of the world, we'd be happy, if only I was more interested in him and we're supposed to be together forever, no matter what. The emotional fallout from shaking that up scares me.

I'm also scared of being in my own home alone. How will I manage everything, with work, the dogs, the car - how will I stay on top of things? And how will I stop myself from being afraid at night when I hear a strange noise?

I know these things are surmountable and they probably seem stupid to worry about from the outside, but they have kept me frozen in place for quite some time. Mainly, it's the caring for his feelings and prioritizing them over my own happiness.

That sounds rather claustrophobic--no matter what??


Does he really do that much to manage things around the house? And having lived alone, I know the fear of hearing something in the middle of the night. However, when I was with my first husband, I was always the one who went to check it out--not him. And my current husband would sleep through a bomb blast.


So has "caring for his feelings" kept him happy and content?

Yeah, his view of marriage is pretty smothering. I think it's because he comes from a so-called "broken home" and knows what it did to his family.

He does a lot of things around the house, like climbing on the roof, or maintaining the cars to an impeccable degree - changing high-up light bulbs and switches, and other "handy" stuff. I know, it's 2019, I should be able to learn what I don't know on YouTube and suck it up and do the rest. Also, he walks the dogs during the day when I'm not home and makes sure they go out, which I'd have to pay for if he wasn't around. Still, not a huge barrier logically.

And, no, obviously, trying to manage his feelings hasn't made him any more content. He still has periods of time where he devalues me and talks like he is disgusted by my presence. So...it isn't helping, I know.

You can find a "how to" video on just about anything. I figure out what I can do myself and hire out the rest. My current husband hasn't a clue how to fix anything.

How much do you spend supporting your husband? You sound like you've got a good job--enough money to pay for car maintenance.

Do you spend much time wondering what changes he will be willing to make if you actually make moves to end things?

FF

It's a good point. I am sure I'll free up a lot of money just not taking care of him financially (unless I'm ordered to pay some sort of alimony, for which I can make a case not to). I pay for his health insurance and mobile phone, groceries (where he often plays "Supermarket Sweep"), and all the additional costs of just having another person around (electricity, soap, toilet paper, etc.). I also contemplated getting a roommate if I had to live alone, so I wouldn't have to be all by myself and I could cut my costs as well in order to pay for extra services, cut down my debts and be able to travel more often.

It's a great life beyond that ring of fire. I just have to jump through.

FF - I don't think at all about him changing afterward. If I decide to get out, I'm done dealing with him. He'd be someone else's problem.

You've been around these boards long enough to know that when you actually separate, that's the chance for real change.

However, many are like you..they are done and never figure out if the pwBPD is serious or not.

Best,

FF