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You know, all of this trauma ocurring in my situation. I spend a lot of time alone. I sometimes can't get out of bed. This has been going on for a year. I am not depressed, but my body sure acts like it is. My ex permanently went psychotic at year ago.

I do my business, a lot of my time in bed.

I dissociate for hours at a time. That is, I check out. I mean, I know it's because I am processing stuff heavily. But what, I do not know.

I don't have Social anxiety, but I just get fatigued being around people too much. I can't handle anything complex. Sometimes I have trouble getting work done, but not too much. It gets done.

I know it will get better, cause basically I set up a personally more healthy lifestyle.  but this process has taken a pound of flesh out of me. I just don't have a lot of endurance.

I can relate 100% - down to the details.

It's trauma, it really is. 

My ex wife of 30 + years went from BPD to permanently psychotic after which, I had a two year fling with a BPD. I have no friends or family to talk to. No future, poor, just panic attacks and depression.This routine can become habitual if you isolate and give in to it too much. Look at me, my life has been a nightmare. I am still stuck after four years! I can't even go to my therapist regularly, and I hang around the house, just keeping it clean enough, sit around, smoke, sleep, watch movies, computer,  just barely able to do the absolute necessiities required for my furkids and I to survive on permanent disability. This is not living. This is wasting away until we die. I am only typing to you right now because the lonliness is unbearable tonight. We really don't want to live this way, but the trauma just weakened us too much. I sincerely hope you find the strength to live a good life, and you don't stay traumatized like me.

The damage done can be pretty severe Mary.




Do you have a T you are working with?

Other ways you are taking care of yourself?

One step at a time. And enjoy what good things might still be with you.

Thanks so much guys.

My therapist, who is peter gerlach... .  a genius empath... .  says this is all part of the process. I am not depressed. But my frontal lobe goes on hiatus. I had to formulate really strict rules. Like military regime like rules. I created a mental sanitarium at my place. no tv, no junk food, no letting the place get dirty. So the causes and conditions are there, it's just that this process is taking a long time.

I have spirts where I get out, socialize a lot, do a lot of work, and then I poop out for weeks. It's like my Working memory... .  the so called RAM memory like a computer has... .  gets jammed up and crashes. It is exactly that. It is like I had to formulate life around frontal lobe damage. Stress and trauma, by the way, does damage circuits there. It takes a long time to get back.

Maryiscontrary,

I think we do this normally too-in just regular drama free living we have waves of higher activity and less activity.

You have been through emotional water boarding with your ex, Mary-more so than the garden variety 6 month BPD I adore you/I hate you/I've moved on r/s. (not to minimize their pain-but it's vastly different)

I think it's perfectly normal healing for what you've been through-deeper trauma requires deeper healing.

I think you are remarkably together for what you've endured. Funny as hell and smart as a whip.

So you need to "regroup" and do it on your terms and your time line? That's OK.

GL

Thanks for your kind words.

I have lost everything. It wasn't just him. It was a bunch of deaths, have to go nc with several completely toxic relationships, where no real communication could take place, no matter how hard I tried. Many moves. Living conditions so hard that my kitty disappeared last fall.

All this multi domain cluster f... .  Has really taken it out of me. I have had to defend my boundaries like a rabid jackal, as I get overwhelmed and physically sick very quickly.

I am a vulnerable person. I could just keel over with some physically stuff very quickly. I don't think most people know what they are doing. I don't think people are reliable, in general. I have to protect myself.